


Empty Rooms

by BannedBookReader



Category: Aquaman (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/M, Found Family, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury, Large Cast, M/M, Recovery, Slow Burn, Young Justice Season 2, aquafam, suicidal idealization, the slowest of burns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 50,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26133184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BannedBookReader/pseuds/BannedBookReader
Summary: Kaldur has returned to the Lighthouse, after his undercover mission, to find a room as empty as he is. But maybe with some help he can start to fill it up.(Summarys are hard it's a sad Kaldur fic with a climb towards optimism)
Relationships: Kaldur'ahm/Koryak (DCU), Kaldur'ahm/Raquel Ervin (past), Roy Harper/Kaldur'ahm
Comments: 131
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I actually started this as a one shot but now I have 40 pages of fic and need validation so *shrugs*

The ride to the Lighthouse was completely void of talk. Which was fine by Kaldur, he’d done enough talking and explaining this last week for a lifetime. Instead he took in the town he’d spent so much time in. A little over a year can do a lot to a small place like Amnesty Bay. The rickety old house on the side of the road had finally collapsed, or maybe it was torn down. Either way in its place rested an empty dirt lot. _Rudy’s Grocery_ had updated their signs for the first time in probably ever. The music shop that Tula spent so much of her free time in had closed…

He turned away from the window when a knot in his stomach formed. But the car didn’t have much to look at, and if he glanced at Officer Watson he risked conversation. So instead he let his eyes drift close and listened to the ocean in the distance, trying to let it calm him. But the sound of his home left a sour taste in his mouth. If only his fate was in his hands. Time warped around him and minutes slipped by dressed like an eternity. At last Erika’s beat up car came to a meandering stop. 

“We’re here.” Her voice was flat and even. Nothing like the overly optimistic tone Kaldur was used too. At last he looked at her. Wrinkles, from years of smiles and laughter, had formed in the corners of her blue eyes. Her blonde hair had lightened significantly in spots. Her freckles had faded some from lack of sun. But mostly she looked as tired as Kaldur felt. 

“Thank you for bringing me.” Was all he could manage, which earned him a small nod from her. He bent down to grab his duffle but she caught his wrist with a speed that surprised him.

“Kaldur…” She sighed and ran a hand over her hair. “I know things are hard but...you’re still a good kid.” She pushed an envelope into his hand. “And I’m not giving you a choice. Be there.” Then she let him go and the absence of another person's touch tormented him more than he expected. He ran his thumb over the rough paper and felt his heart sink. Kaldur didn’t have to open it to know it was a wedding invite. He swallowed the lump in his throat, gave out another thank you, and was out of the car before the conversation, if it could be called that, continued. 

He was happy for Erika and Dwayne. Really he was. But after everything? Why would they want him there? Why would anyone want him anywhere?

Unlike the town, the Lighthouse was remarkably unchanged. Kaldur almost would have preferred if there had been some radical difference so there would be less places for memories to hide and haunt him. But no, King Orin and the others changed like ocean rocks. Obnoxiously slow. The living area probably had been the same since Orin himself was a kid. As such Kaldur moved quickly, not giving the ghosts of his past time to catch up. 

Until he reached his room. 

He had always been adamant that it wasn’t _his_ , just a place he stayed when he was on the Surface. Now some forgine part of him was happy to have a room to call his own outside of the "Fight".

The door protested loudly when he pushed it open. There was no telling the last time someone had actually been in here. 

No. 

That wasn’t true, he could picture it clear as day. After he left, someone, maybe everyone, would have been in here tearing it apart looking for any sign of where he went. 

They wouldn’t have found anything. 

Except for the light furniture there was nothing in the small space. He hadn’t taken much with him when he went, just what would fit in his duffle, but it was enough to not leave any proof he’d spent years in this room. 

His mother had told him that he needed to start putting down roots. At the time he didn’t understand her concern. But now the Cave was gone, by his hand, his childhood bedroom, a twisted time capsule he couldn't even stay in, and this room...This room was just bones. What was needed for him to survive comfortably. Not unlike his room on the sub.

Immediately he began searching for some sign he’d lived here. Some mark he’d left that screamed _once upon a time I was okay and I stayed in here_. His heart rate picked up while he looked. Kaldur didn’t understand his panic or his need for proof about his past but after just a minute of close inspection he found it. 

The wood floor near the bed, _his_ bed, was stained with blood. A past version of himself collapsed before making it all the way there only to be found by a panicked Koryak a few hours later. Apparently they hadn’t done a full job scrubbing the floor. The tightness in his chest eased a little but it wasn’t enough. He glanced at the lamp on his night stand and was comforted by the small chip knocked out of the base. Roy had accidently knocked it over and when Kaldur went to check on it he was stopped by the promise of them having more fun in the dark. Still though in the morning the chip felt like a cavern and Roy had to turn the lamp around to keep Kaldur from staring at it. Now it was barely noticeable to him without looking. 

Next he went to the desk, figuring a place he’d written so many reports and spent so much time would _have_ to have been marked by him in some way. Kaldur wasn’t entirely wrong, and when he saw the ink stain any anxiety he’d pushed away flooded back to him. Garth had been trying to write Tula a love note with a special calligraphy kit. The waterproof ink had spilled and left its mark on the old wood. A wave of nausea swept over him at the memory. So sweet at the time but now it rested bitterly on the back of his tongue. 

He spun on his heel, feeling the presence of another person. Happy to push aside his sorrow but tired from facing the people he loved. Who loved him once too. 

Lisa had lost weight while he was away. Her once round cheeks, full of life and laughter, were now hollow. Her bright purple eyes that were full of hero worship and bad ideas had dulled and were lined with red. The carefree posture that carried her through life had been replaced with a stiff back and clenched jaw. If there was any part of his heart left to break, it shattered. 

Carefully he made his way over to her, not knowing how much she knew. When he opened his mouth to speak her open palm collided with his face. Hard.

Kaldur had been hit many, many times. But for the life of him he couldn’t ever remember being slapped. Blood slipped onto his tongue from Lisa’s strike and he relished the taste and pain. They were familiar territory after all. 

“Lisa.” He tried.

“Don’t.” Her hands tightened on Salty’s leash. She must have been walking him, which is why Kaldur hadn’t been greeted at the door by the golden retriever. In the distance he could hear the animal chowing down on his food. 

“Please listen-”

“What are you doing here?” There was an anger he’d never heard in her voice before. And he was completely out of energy. 

“Where else was I supposed to go?” 

She softened and for a second she was back to being the girl who jumped off a waterfall because La'gaan had dared her too. But only a second. 

“And who’s fault is that.” It wasn’t a question. The words snaked themselves around his stomach.

“You don’t understand-”

“I _understand_ everything!” Raw fury took over her face and she took a step forward. It seemed smartest for him to take a retreating step back. “La’gann told me! After he found out in the worst way possible. Or I guess second worst after your friend Megan.” The memory of M’gann’s psychic attack pushed its way into his mind causing him to flinch. “You know, I thought I understood in the beginning. Before I knew about all this undercover bullshit! I _defended_ you! What an ass I was!” The whole time she was yelling she was walking toward him and now he fell back onto the bed. She stood over him, purple eyes wild with fury, and he could see another life where she was raised in the ocean and developed to be as powerful as Garth. As powerful as Slizzath, Garth's uncle. He was intensely grateful to be in this life, for the first time in a long time. 

"You weren't an ass." His voice cracked. Exhaustion had sunk into his muscles and it was getting more and more difficult to remain patient and stoic. 

She didn't respond. Instead she continued to glare down at him. He waited for the yelling to start again but instead she heaved a sigh and walked away.

"Lisa." 

She stopped and suddenly he wondered what he planned on saying. Garth wanted nothing to do with him, wouldn't even be in the same room as him. Koryak and Debbie had fled the throne room before he had a chance to speak to them. La'gaan was talking to him but it was tight conversation lined with things unsaid. But Lisa? She was talking to him. More than that, she was telling him _exactly_ how she felt. It was the first time he felt like he could maybe try to fix things. 

"I'm sorry." 

There was an unbearably long pause. 

"I know." She practically whispered before she was gone. And he was alone again, sitting in an empty room.


	2. Chapter 2

"Wow, this room is sad." Was Artemis' way of announcing herself. Kaldur glanced around from his spot at the desk. He'd unpacked his bag about a week ago, but it didn't personalize the room at all. He did hang up Erika's invite on the bulletin board over the desk, and a few library books sat neatly, and unopened, on the nightstand. But it was still as personality-less as ever. 

"Hello Artemis." He tried to ignore the obvious signs she'd been crying, let her bring it up on her own time. But it was hard to not stare. To see her pain and not blame himself somehow. She didn't stand still long enough for him to linger. The other blonde dropped a greasy paper bag of food in front of him complete with a large matching cup.

"Thank you but I'm not-"

"When was the last time you ate?" 

Thinking back on it he wasn't exactly sure. He'd gotten home from a mission late last night. Spent about an hour talking to his mother on the phone before dozing off. And he'd spent most of the morning typing up a report for the League. Only now did he notice it was well passed morning and perhaps even into the evening. At least Lisa still came by every day to take care of Salty. She hadn't said a word to him since their reintroduction, but clearly she didn't trust him to take care of another living thing. It seemed she was right. He couldn't even take care of himself.

Instead of answering he removed the shrimp po-boy from the bag and smiled a little. "Thank you." He said again, this time meaning it.

Artemis responded with a shrug and collapsed onto the bed. Before long she was complaining about how itchy the ancient blankets were. 

"I don't mind."

"That's because you don't care about your comfort." There was a sudden edge to her voice and he flinched a little. Instead of arguing he continued to eat. His stomach hurt with the sudden intake of food, but not necessarily in a bad way. It just showed how long it had actually been since his last true meal. He paced himself, not wanting to throw up his only food for the day. But before long the sandwich, and fries that accompanied it, were gone. 

Artemis wasted no time pulling him from his chair and tossing his jacket at him. Kaldur just accepted it. It was good to stretch his legs anyway.

The whole ride to wherever they were going was full of tight small talk. Both skirting the edge of meaningful conversation or even acknowledging everything that they had been through. As such the conversation kept stalling out leading to increasingly uncomfortable silence. It hurt. For months she was the _only_ one he could talk to. And now they couldn't even manage small talk. 

Any sour feelings he felt were knocked aside when Artemis pulled into the Target. Instead he was overtaken by confusion. He turned to ask her why exactly they were here but Artemis was already halfway out the car. 

"Artemis. What are we doing here?" He called out after her. 

"Getting you some decent blankets." She yelled over her shoulder. 

Kaldur let a sigh slip through his lips. The blankets he had were just fine. He didn't need new ones. Even if the ones currently on his bed had probably been there since Tom made the room a guest room. They had maybe been in the Lighthouse longer than that. Why mess with something that was working just fine? Why not leave things be? Why couldn't they have just things be? Why did Garth and Tula need to join the Team? He shook the unwanted thoughts away.

"I don't need new blankets." They were already past the clothes section now. Artemis was keeping her pace brisk.

"You do." 

He bit back another sigh. If buying new blankets would get her off his back. Fine. In the end he selected a light weight set of black sheets and a white blanket with delicate embroidery. But Artemis still didn't seem satisfied. 

"Is there something else bothering you?" He asked, knowing how stupid a question it was. 

"I just...I wish you took better care of yourself." 

"You sound like my parents."

"They're right." 

On their way to pay Artemis stopped at the dollar section. Kaldur was uninterested in the bits and bobbles. At this point he just wanted to get back to the Lighthouse and finish his report. It shouldn't be so difficult to write but he was having trouble describing how things went wrong. He knew _why_ things went bad. It was the tension between him and his teammates. Rookie mistakes were made by all, including him. Maybe Canary was right, it was too soon for him to go back in the field. 

"Here ya go." Artemis tossed a fake plant about the size of his hand at him, pulling him from his thoughts. 

"Why?"

"For your sad ass room." He tried not to roll his eyes. 

Artemis didn't go in when they returned to the Lighthouse. It seemed she'd used up all her energy feeding him and going shopping. Which in all honesty Kaldur could relate to. He started to lean in for a hug but stopped himself and instead gave a curt goodbye.

His blood ran cold when laughter echoed from the kitchen. Not having another method to his room he took a deep breath and approached. Kaldur tried to ignore the way Garth's face dropped when he entered. Silence settled over the four at the dinner table. Lisa was pointedly not looking at Kaldur. Koryak glared and looked ready for a fight. But worse of all, Garth couldn't seem to look away. Heartbreak and betrayal were etched into his face. At last La'gaan cleared his throat.

"Hey Chum." He offered a small smile. 

"Hello."

He didn't quite run to his room but he certainly didn't walk. No air was getting to his lungs and pressure built up behind his eyes. Garth's hard eyes haunted him. Garth was his first friend. He'd been there for everything. Even when Kaldur was torn up about Tula choosing Garth, he'd done everything in his power to make Kaldur feel better. And how had he repaid him? 

Bile slid up his throat, which certainly didn't help his breathing situation. 

"Kaldur?" La'gaan's voice was surprisingly soft. Softer than it'd been in the two weeks since Kaldur had been home. 

He didn't turn around to look at the teenager. Instead he fumbled with the stiff window trying to let some fresh sea air into his room. His whole body was shaking. 

Garth wanted nothing to do with him.

 _"You always got me."_

That's what Garth had said so many years before. 

Kaldur ruined it. 

He ruined everything.

Anyone he carried about hated him. 

The air brushed against his face but he couldn't get any in. 

"Kaldur?" La'gaan's voice again. This time a few million miles away. Which didn't make any sense because his cool hands were resting on Kaldur's shoulders. The younger boy guided him to the desk chair and Kaldur was glad to let his legs give out. 

"I'm going to get you some water." 

Then he was gone. 

Gone.

Everyone was gone.

He pushed away everyone. 

Everything. 

The room was blurry and still he wasn't breathing. What if he died right now? What would his former friends in the kitchen do? Would they care? 

Something cold was pressed into his hands. 

"Drink." He almost dropped his cup when he heard Garth's voice.

"I'm fi-"

" _Drink._ " 

He forced his arms to bring the glass to his lips. The water was so cold he was surprised it wasn't frozen. It seemed to shock some sense into his body and at last he was able to take a deep breath. He pinched his eyes closed and focused on getting his air inflow even. When he opened them Garth was gone. The only proof he was ever there was the glass in Kaldur's hands. The only proof they were ever friends was a stain on his desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are extra appreciated for this story!


	3. Chapter 3

"Does this mean we're friends again?" Kaldur tried. Koryak took his sweet time responding, instead focusing way too much energy on unbuttoning Kaldur's shirt. Then he leaned in close and Kaldur was glad the skip in his heart wasn't due to the horrible anxiety that'd been following him around. Their lips brushed when Koryak finally answered.

"I actually can't decide if I hate you or not. But that's my problem not yours." His voice was hoarse from screaming so much. Before the words sunk in Koryak closed the gap. His chapped lips pressed against Kaldur's. Kaldur happily, hungrily, pushed into the contact. The night was long and loud and rough. By the time the sun rose so had plenty of bruises. 

Kaldur had tried to take as much comfort as he could from the… _interaction_. But in the end it felt hollow. This certainly wasn't the first time he and Koryak had enjoyed each other's company like this. And not even the first time after an argument. But it was the first time, he suspected, neither had actually enjoyed it. The urge to roll over and wrap his arms around Koryak's scared chest was strong. Any comfort he could get. But instead he slipped from under the covers and collected his clothes. He pulled just his pants on. 

"Leaving so soon?" Koryak asked, drowsiness anchored to his words. 

"You got what you wanted." 

"And what do you want?" Every other sentence that night had been passive aggressive or outright angry. The screaming match that led to this was full of hot fury. But not that. The words were so kind it killed a part of Kaldur's soul. He could take the anger. He'd earned the anger. But kindness? From someone he'd hurt? 

"I want to finish my book." He lied, they were all still unread. Once he got to the door Koryak spoke again. 

"For the record. I didn't get what I wanted." 

Kaldur didn't stick around to figure out exactly Orin's son meant by that. 

Salty met him outside of Koryak's room. Wagging his tail a mile a minute at the sight of him. At least someone could still stand him. Together they walked to the kitchen. It was awash in warm oranges and yellows from the rising sun. If he closed his eyes he could almost pretend this was a peaceful morning like you'd see on a calendar. 

"Want to go for a walk?" 

Salty responded by dropping his front legs and barking before running for his leash by the back door. A small smile tugged on his lips. It must be nice being a dog. No one to let down. No one to hurt. And if you did hurt someone it was either forgiven or- 

He shook the unwanted thought from his head. 

"Well come on then." 

Another bark and then they were off. The ocean water was calming on his feet. Soft and sweet. The Maine air rested gently on his bare shoulders. For the first time in over a year he let the tension fall away from him. He'd been home a month. Shouldn't he be this relaxed all the time? 

They'd done it. 

The mission was a success. 

They saved the world. 

Sure Wally was gone. The Cave was gone. His friendships were mostly gone. But it was worth it. 

Wasn't it? 

It had to be.

A bark pulled him out of his thoughts. Salty had discovered a crab and was currently in quite the standoff. His rear wagged in the air, and his rough nose was less than an inch away from the sideways crustacean. Kaldur smirked just a little and pulled the dog back towards the Lighthouse, ending the fight before it truly began. He was starting to get tired and considering he didn't get any sleep last night, it made sense. 

Lisa was standing in the kitchen when he returned through the back door. She didn't bother hiding her shock when she saw him. Her eyes slowly taking him in. This was the first time he'd walked Salty and clearly she expected him to be holed up in his room. Kaldur shifted uncomfortably, wishing he'd bothered putting his shirt back on so that his bruises and red spots were covered. 

"Have a good night?" She asked, full monotone. Purple eyes lingering on his red gills before following a trail of bruises down to his stomach. He shifted uncomfortably under the gaze. 

"Not particularly if I'm being honest." 

"If you didn't want to then why'd you do it?"

He wasn't sure they were still talking about last night but either way his answer was the same. "I did want to."

"Even if it hurt you? Hurt someone else?" 

"You've never heard of a kink?" He surprised them both with the juvenile joke. Words from a time long past. And miracle of all miracles, once the surprise faded from Lisa's face it was replaced by amusement. She shook her head, blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders. 

"Dumbass." 

"I think we established that." 

"You could have died."

"It wasn't that kinky."

"Kaldur." The amusement was gone. Replaced by a seriousness that didn't match his perception of her. "We had just lost Tula. Did you not think about the consequences of losing you too?" 

"Of course I did. But we had a limited window of time to act. I couldn't weigh everyones-"

"Fuck you."

His shoulders dropped. "Yes." 

"No really. Fuck. You. You didn't have to 'weigh everyone'. You just had to think 'will this hurt my friends?'"

An anger sparked in his chest. He didn't know why. Maybe it was because he hadn't burned off the anger from last night. Maybe because he was sick of explaining himself. Sick of apologizing until he was numb. Either way. 

"I would rather have my friends hurt and betrayed than dead! Rather they're alive to hate me! Then another meaningless statute in a cemetery full of them!" Tula's memorial flashed through his mind followed closely by the hologram of Wally in the Watchtower. 

A heavy blanket of silence settled over the both of them. Lisa slowly made her way to him. When she reached for his face he thought she was going to slap him again. Instead she brushed away tears he didn't know had fallen. Her fingers were soft and he leaned his head into her hands. When she pulled away Kaldur felt the emptiness in his stomach grow, only to have it stifled by a hug. Without thinking he returned it. Holding her tightly. Letting her warmth sit on his skin. 

"Okay." She whispered into his ear. "I forgive you." 

His knees started to buckle but her strength was deceptive and Lisa had no trouble holding him up. 

Forgiveness?

Why?

He'd betrayed her. 

He'd betrayed everyone. 

He didn't deserve forgiveness. 

"Come on." She pulled out of the hug and dragged him towards his room. 

He barely registered her sitting him on the bed. Wasn't sure when she pulled pajama pants from the dresser in the closet. Certainly didn't register Lisa setting them next to him. 

But the soft easy kiss she placed on his forehead shook him to his core. 

He was on his feet with a sense of urgency he usually reserved for the field. There was no food in his stomach, but he still wretched up a toilet full of bile that burned his throat. 

Lisa pressed a cool rag to the back of his neck once he was done wrenching. 

"Stop." Even though it was one word it came out strangled. 

"Kaldur. For once in your life. Let someone help you." 

"I don't...deserve…"

Gently she lifted his chin and wiped his face with a different rag. "No one deserves anything. And don't think my forgiveness means I'm not angry and hurt. But I'm sick of watching my friend suffer. I want to help. Let me help." 

This was too much. 

He started to shake his head but she still had a firm grip on his chin. "Let me help." She repeated with force this time. 

He didn't have the energy to fight. He let her clean up his face and drag him back to his room. Kaldur didn't put up a fight when she tossed the pajama pants at him and turned around. Once changed he let her push him onto the bed. Sleep came quickly but it was shallow and weak. He knew exactly when she left the room, about 20 minutes after he dozed off. Knew when Salty pushed open the unlatched door and sniffed his face, an hour in. Ten minutes after Salty left, Kaldur's phone went off. But weariness anchored his arms down. It wasn't until about three hours later when there was a knock on his, now open, door that he was able to push himself up.

"Koryak?"

"Lisa yelled at me about last night." He leaned his broad shoulders against the doorframe. Brown eyes landed anywhere but on Kaldur. 

"Hardly her place." He couldn't figure out why Lisa would yell at Koryak but not Kaldur. Then again she was making all sorts of strange decisions today. 

"She said I shouldn't be fucking people I can't hold a conversation with. Which I mean, fair, I guess." Still no eye contact.

"It's fine."

"Whatever." 

Before Kaldur could respond a picture frame landed on his lap. The frame seemed to be handcrafted from driftwood, and resting inside was an acrylic painting of Posidons' Palace. He'd only been home once since he'd gotten back. Instead he'd been avoiding the city while the Windowhood mused over whether or not he should be tried for treason. And the _Reverend Mother_ was certainly taking her sweet time. The detailed painting mixed up feelings inside him. 

"I don't understand."

"I have a bunch of practice paintings laying around. And now you have something to point to if Lisa asks if I apologized." He pushed out of the room and Kaldur jumped up to follow.

"Koryak, I'm so-"

"Save it. You burned your bridges. Rebuild them or don't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments for the soul?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter actually gave me a desire to go to a Book and Music Exchange and I ended up buying an aquaman collection. Hide your surprise.

"You know Chum, you could at least pretend to be having fun." La'gaan complained. He was messing with the glamour Garth gave him while they walked through the flea market. Absentmindedly, Kaldur reached up and knocked his hands off the delicate crystal. What the rest of the world saw when they looked at La'gaan right now, he had no idea. To anyone who knew what he actually looked like it had no effect. A lesser spell than the one Artemis wore on the sub. Still he knew how uncomfortable it must have made the younger Atlantean. But the whole day La'gaan had been suspiciously complaint free until now. 

"I am having fun." He wasn't. Thrift shopping wasn't exactly high on Kaldur's list of things he enjoyed. But La'gaan, with his anthropological mind, loved it. 

"Uh huh." 

"La'gaan. What's this about? Why did you invite me?" 

La'gaan stopped to turn over an old toaster. He let out a considering hum and Kaldur wasn't sure if he'd been heard. "Kal," La'gaan finally began, setting down the toaster. "You spend all your time at the Watchtower, on missions, or writing mission reports. I figured hanging out would be good for you." 

"I've been reading as well." More like he'd checked out a pile of books Megan recommended when she dragged him to the Amnesty Bay library. He _still_ hadn't touched them yet. 

"What about?" 

Kaldur responded with a shrug hoping La'gaan wouldn't press. After a long moment of consideration the sea-changed boy sighed and kept walking. 

Kaldur watched as La'gaan seemingly without pattern would place things into the wobbly cart. An array of old electronics and knickknacks piled up. None of which Kaldur had added. 

"Going to fix these up?" He decided to try some small talk. 

"Maybe, but more likely I'll use them as parts." 

"Ah." And just like that the conversation was dead. Why was he so bad at this? He had clear memories of holding hours-long conversations with Raquel, and Roy, and Artemis, and Garth, and Tula…

His grip tightened on the shopping cart, causing it to let out a loud moan and getting La'gaan's attention. A scaly hand rested on top of Kaldur's and he was infinitely grateful he didn't ask what was wrong. They stood there in silence until at last the memory of Tula stopped weighing so much on his shoulders. When he was ready to keep going he gave a little nod. La'gaan quirked an "eyebrow" but still said nothing. Which was both appreciated and driving Kaldur absolutely up the wall. 

"Is everything alright with you La'gaan?" 

"Of course not, but today is about you."

"I'd rather it not be." 

"Don't care."

"Just tell me what's wrong?"

Red eyes looked into Kaldur's soul. Creased at the corners. "No."

"Why not?" A crack had slipped into his voice. Why wouldn't his friend let him help? That was the only thing he was good at damnit!

"Because you bury your problems under everyone else's. _I'm_ letting my friends help me-"

"Implying I'm not."

A sigh escaped La'gaan. "That's not what I meant." 

"Of course not." 

"Can we just," He motioned out at the many booths, each crammed with what amounted to mostly crap. Kaldur decided to let the issue drop and they kept moving. An hour in Kaldur saw it. A box looking thing about a foot tall. Diles and nobs resting on its face under a clock. Speakers sat comfortably on either side. La'gaan followed his eye and lit up at the sight. 

"Oh cool." He lifted the thing up and began examining it. "It's a record player, and a CD player, _and_ a tape player. Tula would love this!" His excitement was gone as soon as the words left his lips. Kaldur's nausea rolled over him in a wave, making its daily appearance, again his grip tightened. But,

La'gaan was right. Tula _would_ have loved it. She'd have set it up in the living room of the Lighthouse, or maybe the kitchen. Hours would have been spent listening to music and doing nothing else. At some point she'd drag whoever was closest into dancing with her. Later she'd lay on the floor crying at sad songs, or songs that reminded her of something she'd never tell. That something now forever a mystery. 

Gently Kaldur took the music player from his friend and felt the smooth wood finish. The imaginary memory played on a loop in his head. At last he made a decision.

He set the box in the shopping cart and tried to ignore the way La'gaan's fins sprung up happily.

"You know, there's a Book and Music Exchange at the end of the street. If you want to get something to listen to." 

"Alright." 

The duo didn't spend much time in the flea market after that. Once they were back in the car Kaldur insisted on driving. There were a few times on the way there, with La'gaan behind the wheel, he wasn't sure he'd survive the trip. Again, La'gaan didn't complain, which was beginning to make Kaldur uneasy. But he kept his concern to himself this time. 

The Book and Music Exchange wasn't exactly what Kaldur was expecting. Instead of never ending rows of booths overflowing (more often than not) with junk, it was a proper store. He let out a sigh of relief to see bookshelves and display cases. Everything was actually in sections and seemingly alphabetized. He didn't realize how much anxiety had built up while they wandered around the flea market, but now it let up a little. 

"I'm gonna browse while you do this." La'gaan motioned to the collection of records Kaldur was flipping through, again. None of them stood out to him or seemed familiar. He gave his friend a nod and continued looking. With the amount of music he'd heard second hand from Tula one would think he was more prepared to make a decision. Kaldur stifled his frustration and moved on to the CDs. His fingers froze on a rock album. It wasn't one he associated with Tula, but rather Roy. A new pain twisted it's way into his abdomen. Up until now he had managed to keep his sorrows contained to the ocean. Without much thought he tossed the album into the basket La'gaan had fetched for him. 

After about thirty minutes, and more Googling than he would care to admit, he landed on five CDs and three records. Only the rock album sparked memories, and one of the rap covers seemed familiar. The country one was just because he wanted to know why something so hated was still popular. But rest of the music was more a guess than anything. A shot in the dark. Appealing cover art and not much else. 

"Chum! Come laugh at these books with me!" La'gaan emerged from around a shelf, a grin painted on his face. His own basket held at least one game console, games to go with it, and a handful of movies seemingly from the 50s and 60s, including "It Came from the Black Lagoon". 

"Alright." 

Kaldur thought he was being led towards ridiculous plots or angry political books, not puns. He blinked at "Till Death Do Us Tart" and couldn't decide if he wanted to frown or smirk. He flipped through the dollar mass markets, all clearly worn and most with broken spines. "Toucan Keep a Secret'' actually earned a chuckle. La'gaan's head shot up like he wasn't expecting Kaldur to actually laugh. Kaldur responded by awkwardly clearing his throat. 

"These are absurd."

"That's the point." 

Raquel had once described books like these as "cotton candy books". Fluffy and easy to digest. Maybe that's what he needed. Not the pile of thrillers and classics sitting on his bedside table, largely chosen by his friend. Before he changed his mind, or regained his sense, he grabbed "Tide and Punishment" and set it on top of his music. La'gaan seemed even more surprised but still said nothing. 

"I don't actually own a bookshelf." He remembered out loud. His exhaustion must have been evident though because La'gaan tossed his arm over his shoulder.

"Baby steps Chum."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments grease the wheels of my heart


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Roy finally shows up

Koryak didn't bother knocking, letting himself into Kaldur's room. "You have company."

He blinked over the top of his book. La'gaan was demanding nightly updates on the mystery plot. Kaldur couldn't decide if he liked the book or not, but having an hour or so break a night had been nice. And at this point he was genuinely curious about who had killed the mayor. 

"I do?" 

"That was my reaction." The bastard prince shouted over his shoulder as he disappeared down the hallway. At this point Kaldur wasn't sure his relationship with Koryak was worth saving. 

By the time Kaldur made it to the front door every worst possibility had run naked through his head. He fully expected the Widowhood or Royal Guards, or both, to be standing on the other side of the door. A decision finally made against him despite the testimonies, despite the amount of lives he saved, despite his own detailed explanations, despite Orin's own pardon. Death waited for him on the other side of the door, he was sure of it. 

"Hey Kal." Roy practically whispered.

Kaldur stumbled backwards in shock and relief. The archer quickly caught his wrist to keep him from falling down completely. 

"Kaldur?" His voice had already faded to the background. Masked under Kaldur's own breathing and racing heart. 

Why was he here?

Why _him_?

It should have been Death.

Not...whatever Roy represented. 

Mistakes.

Abandonment. 

Failure. 

He was sitting on the floor, but didn't know how he got there. Grief he'd been too worried about touching flooded him. Drowning him. A straw on a camel's back. A water bottle was pushed against his lips. It tasted like lemons and strawberries and the surprise from that seemed to anchor him back into reality. 

"...and so I came to see you." Roy was finishing a sentence Kaldur didn't know he began. 

"I missed all of that." He croaked. Roy's suntanned hand rested on his shoulder and it was so familiar he wanted to scream. 

Why _him_? 

_I never want to see you again! Just fuck off!_

The words had ripped a hole into Kaldur's already fragile heart. Sent him down a spiral only a select few knew about. One he never had a chance to fully climb out of before the whole world fell apart. 

Calloused hands cupped his chin, frying his nerves, and Kaldur looked into clear blue eyes. They weren't bloodshot or swollen, unlike the last time he'd seen them. Roy opened his mouth to start over but instead his jaw moved like a suffocating fish. Ironic considering that's how Kaldur felt inside right now. Maybe always. At last Roy let go and sat back. Two grown men sitting on the floor. 

"Sin made you this," Roy reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a necklace of plastic beads and seashells. "Insisted I give it to you. Actually she wouldn't let anyone else give it to you...and...I think she misses you." Roy murmured the last part. If he was being honest Kaldur missed Dinah's adopted child too. But he couldn't bring his energy into a child's life right now. Maybe ever again. A future he didn't even know if he wanted, gone before he could consider it. 

"Tell her I said thank you." A tight moment passed with neither moving or saying anything. "Is that all?" A war had begun waging in him. A half that wanted Roy _gone_ , and a damnable half that just wanted Roy. 

"Um." A familiar neck rub sent a wave of nostalgia down Kaldur's spine. "Ollie actually wanted me to invite you to Sunday night dinner." 

"Roy-"

"Don't answer now." The words smashed into each other as they tumbled out of his mouth. "Don't answer now," He repeated. "Let me know in a few days. Artemis put my new number in your phone." Of course she had. Roy pulled himself off the hardwood and let himself out the open door. Kaldur watched as he moved with ease over the worn path, and a new anger flared inside him. He stood ready to yell out and start an argument but Lisa stomped the flames before he could stroke them.

"You should go. It might be nice." She said. There was no telling how long she'd stood in the doorway connecting the kitchen and living room. 

"You don't know the whole story." The raw memory cut past his eyes. Maybe Kaldur had made a mistake destroying the stash. But he was certain Roy had made a bigger one. Repeatedly. 

"I never know the whole story. People don't tell me shit." Her tone was unnervingly even. "But I still think you should go." 

He didn't bother with a response. Instead Kaldur made his way to his room to hang the necklace on his board.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I call this a Ray Bradbury chapter because it was added later to make the story flow more smoothly. The perks of writing ahead am I right?

“It’s not too late for you to turn around and we can get McDonald's.” Kaldur said as they approached Oliver’s street. The familiar torain rushing past the rain stained window. Artemis let out a small chuckle but didn’t turn the truck around. 

“I didn’t think you liked McDonald’s?”

“I don’t.” 

“Still better than dinner with your ex’s family?” She was teasing him. He _knew_ she was teasing him. But that didn’t make it any less true. Kaldur convinced himself that this would be just another obligatory dinner, a tiny mission, up until he got into Artemis’s pick up. Once they were moving it felt like his stomach was trying to claw its way out of his body. Now that they were almost there the pain was almost unbearable. Not that he was letting Artemis know that, but as his shifting in the seat became more obvious he was sure she’d start to pick up on it. “What happened between you two?” She asked.

_”You know, I get it now!" A sick laugh twisted the next statement. "Why Tula chose Garth over you! Because dating you was the worst decision I’ve ever made!_

Kaldur pushed back the memory and the pressure in his eyes that came with it. “Nothing.”

“I mean something happened.”

“Artemis.”

She pursed her lips but didn’t continue to pry. 

Artemis pulled into the driveway of the truly massive house. Unlike most people on the street however, Oliver probably actually needed the space with his ever growing family. At what point did it just become an archer themed cult? 

Kaldur’s heart finally stopped hammering but only because it froze in his chest. Roy was sitting on the front steps. He was bent over his phone, hand pressed into his thin cheek. If he noticed them pull up he didn't react. At last a part of Kaldur understood why Garth had just stared at him when he got back from Target. It was impossible to look away from the person who smashed your heart. But the longer they sat there, the harder it was to breathe. He grabbed Artemis’ arm with definitely too much force. He knew she'd have half moons pressed into her skin from his nails, but still he couldn't bring himself to let go. 

“I can’t.” It was a tactile retreat. He wasn’t running away. 

Artemis looked at him for a moment before nodding and buckling back up. “Yeah, okay.” She pulled out her phone and out shot a text. Whatever it said Roy frowned across the yard and shook his head. Kaldur needed away _now_. 

They drove back to the Zeta tube in silence. The tenson weighing on both of them. Gods was he pathetic. 

“Promise me you’ll eat something.”

He nodded.

“Kaldur. Look at me.”

He sighed and reluctantly looked up. 

“Promise me.”

“I promise.” 

It was her turn to shift uncomfortably. It was obvious she wanted to say something so he waited. After all he had wasted her time and gas driving him around. She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a slightly bent business card. “So... Dick introduced me to his friend.” Artemis handed it to him.

Dr. Bridget Clancy   
Specialized Therapy

“A therapist?” Kaldur blinked at the small card. He supposed someone would have suggested it sooner or later. Though he would have assumed his mother or maybe Lisa. 

“A therapist for heroes Kal. She’s great. Especially with grief.” Her voice trailed off. 

“I’ll consider it.”

“You mean it?”

He nodded before getting out of the truck. He had no idea if he meant it or not. Kaldur didn’t look back at Artemis as he teleported away. In the blink of an eye, and with some cellular tingling he still wasn’t used to, he was in the Lighthouse cellar. La'gaan's work benches lined the concrete walls, along with piles of stuff he had to avoid as he made his way towards the steps.

Kaldur expected to be greeted with at the very least an excited dog but instead the home was empty. Silence echoing his sorrow. Even Salty’s leash was gone. A sigh escaped his lips. After what just happened he thought he wanted to be alone. Turns out that’s not what he wanted at all. He wanted to be distracted.

Deciding a walk on the beach would be the best way to burn off some left over nervous energy he headed out the back door. Kaldur walked until he was so overwhelmed by the thoughts that chased him down the beach he had to sit down. Let them wash over him. The last night he’d been with Roy. The moment he decided to go on that damned mission. Tears that had sat stagnant since the first, of many, times Roy broke up with him finally fell. Softly they pelted the sand and he watched as they discolored the yellow-white grains. His brain was like a scratched CD skipping and replaying a few broken seconds. 

_”Tula’s dead.”_

_“That really sucks.”_

He flinched at the memory of the door slamming in his face everytime it got to that point. Sometimes though the loop would slip back to the beginning before that or a different bad memory all together. A needle sliding into Roy's arm. A rude comment. Kaldur's own frustrations and temper finally boiling over. Hot arguments and cold nights. Kaldur was stuck relieving these terrible moments over and over. He couldn’t even see the sand clearly anymore, his sight was so blurry.

A small soft hand tapped his shoulder, at last breaking the loop. He cringed when he saw how much the sun had moved in the sky. 

"Royal?" Kaldur blinked away his tears to look at the sandy blonde boy. The six year old smiled sheepishly at Kaldur. 

"Mama said you looked sad." He pointed to his mother several yards away. Kaldur waved at Bea, who responded in kind. "Here." Kaldur turned back to the boy. Royal was holding out a seashell about the size of the child's hand. A small hole had been busted into the side but aside from that it was pristine. "I found it."

"Thank you." Kaldur took the gift and ran his thumb over the smooth ridges. 

"'Course! Also Mama wants to know if you'd like to come over for dinner? We're going home now. We went on a walk cause 'parently I needed to burn off some energy. But Mama has been cooking in the crock pot all day, but she always makes too much, she says a good meal should be able to feed the neighborhood-"

"Royal?" 

"Yeah?"

"Tell her I appreciate the offer but...now isn't a good time." His empty stomach protested the decision. 

Royal nodded slightly disappointed. "Later then?"

"Sure." 

The boy gave a quick hug before running back to his mother, loudly explaining that Kaldur said no before even getting close to her. Kaldur struggled to his feet, sand falling off his jeans. He gave one last wave before heading back. 

The entire walk back to the Lighthouse he managed to keep the thoughts at bay. If he was another person he might have thanked the Gods for Royal and Bea to be passing by when they did. Instead he was just thankful he decided to have a breakdown when they were going for a walk. 

Almost as soon as the sea shell was set on his desk a League alert went off. He'd have to keep his promise to Artemis, and his empty stomach, later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments keep me from crying on the beach a relieving my ex :) jk nothing keeps me from doing that


	7. Chapter 7

“Can we have a minute?” Debbie’s voice pulled Kaldur into something that was close to consciousness. 

His eyes stayed shut no matter how much he willed them to open. His breathing was forced and mechanical. A phantom pain sat on his chest heavy as a whale. But more than anything he was numb. A familiar kind of numb that only came from Atlantean pain killers. 

What happened? 

"Of course." His father's, no _stepfather's_ , voice was a comfort in the confusion. The water moved when Calvin, and presumably Sha'lain'a, left the room. 

Water?

He was home?

"You dumbass." Debbie breathed once his parents were gone. "Must you always be the martyr?" A soft finger brushed his jawline. Her anger was just as soft and coated with fear. He'd seen her like this many times before, and could clearly imagine the look on her blue face. But what was she actually saying? 

Martyr? 

Then he remembered in vivid, but disjointed flashbacks. The mission. The knife. Pushing Zatanna's cousin out of the way. His lungs and gills both burning. His blood pooling on the floor. The magic that ran through it tearing oxygen from his cells. Suffocating him in the most painful way possible. And Zach's magic had entered Kaldur's body in an attempt to counteract the damage being done. The last thing he heard before passing out was a panicked "leah!" from the teenager. 

"You make it impossible to be mad at you, you know that right?" Debbie's hand moved towards his, running down his shoulder and arm. "I don't hate you by the way." That was a comfort considering the last time he'd seen her she looked ready to remove his head. "I can't. Trust me, I tried." A beat past and he tried to squeeze her hand back but nothing was responding. "My sister died, Kaldur. Dead. Gone. Forever. And…" His heart broke at her choked back sob. If being stabbed with an enchanted knife that literally took his breath away was bad, then this was absolutely torture. "I thought you were gone too. I thought you were a coward. The bravest, dumbest, man I knew turned _coward_ when I, when all of us, needed him most. And then I find out...well everything." She took another shaky breath and squeezed his hand tighter. "I just felt sorry for you." 

One of the many machines hooked up to him began protesting at his accelerated heart rate. He couldn't take a deep breath to calm down, so instead the pressure just built in his chest. Kaldur was completely trapped in his own anxiety ridden body. 

"What's going on?" Dr. Diade's voice was raised over the machines. 

"I...I think he heard me." Debbie's voice sounded even more heartbroken than before.

"Go outside with his parents." 

"But I brought him someth-"

"Give it to him later. Outside." The doctor was closer now. Tapping at something above his head. But everything was muddled, not by the water but by his mind and pounding blood. 

"It's okay now kid, you're safe." The doctor's voice lost some of its edge when she spoke to him. He was suddenly aware of the IV in his arm when something warm slipped through and dragged him back under. But in his panic he tried, and failed, to fight it. 

He awoke with a start, gasping against the tubes running from his mouth and gills. His eyes were still anchored closed and he didn't even bother trying to move. Kaldur could feel every vein, down to the capillaries, in his body and they were _freezing_. His heart picked up speed again only worsening the cold. He could feel it in his eyes, toes, hell inside his mouth. He knew the magic, had felt it many times before, which only worried him more. Did his former friend really hate him so much to torture, maybe even kill him?" 

" _What_ are you doing?" Dr. Thnita's voice rang out. She must have taken over for her wife.

Garth's hand moved from Kaldur's chest and his added weight was removed from the side of the bed. "I...um…it's not what it looks like."

"Then explain." There was no room for negotiation in her voice.

"There was still magic in his blood. Not his or Zatara's. I think it's why he hasn't been getting better."

"And you were?"

"Getting rid of it." 

Kaldur's heart skipped a beat. Garth had saved him. 

Again. 

After everything. 

Thnita sighed loudly. Years of dealing with King Orin and his "gaggle of teenagers" as she used to call them, had made her candid. "Garth I appreciate the help but next time, if you're going to use magic on one of my patients, please let me know first."

"I didn't really plan on it." He mumbled.

"Why are you here?" 

"I should go." 

Thnita didn't argue, and a moment later Kaldur couldn't feel Garth's magic in the water at all. Meaning he probably teleported away. Otherwise the powerful energy would float off him and ride the current into anyone in the room who knew to look for it. Something that once comforted Kaldur and now he was glad it was harder to feel on the Surface. 

Kaldur forced himself to relax, and was surprised when his muscles answered. Thnita was tapping away at the same screen Diade had been earlier. Her soft hand found the edge of his top gill and gently pushed. It didn't hurt but the tubes were disturbed and more uncomfortable now. She let out a low hum. 

"The swelling has gone down already. I'm not sure what he did Kaldur'ahm but you owe him a thank you." 

He owed Garth a lot of things.

Involuntarily he felt his fist try to clench. There wasn't much movement but enough for the doctor to notice. Carefully she pushed her palm against his fingers. 

"Can you hear me?"

He pushed his index finger into her palm the best he could. 

"Do it again just to make sure? Wow. Okay. You really owe him a thank you." She pulled away and that familiar, lonely, ache rocked him. But she'd replaced her hand with something soft. Ridiculously so. 

"Lady Deborah brought this for you. It's a lobster. You'll get to see it soon. But for now, rest." 

If he could have chuckled he would have. Soft fabric in Atlantis was ridiculously expensive. It had gone down in price some as relations with the Surface bettered, but it was still tricky to manufacture and keep soft. Only Debbie would spend so much money on such fabric for a toy and then give that toy away. He ran his thumb in circles over the stuffed animal. Warmth flowed into his arm again and this time the sleep was comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point it'd just be off brand to not ask for comments


	8. Chapter 8

"Since when are you religious?" Kaldur murmured. It still hurt to talk, and sometimes breathe, but he'd been awake on and off for two weeks now, and back on the Surface for a few days. According to the doctors the knife had punctured his lung and the magic has damaged his blood cells. As such recovery would be quite the road. The stuffed lobster was a permanent fixture next to his head or clutched tightly against him. Which honestly made him feel like a child, but he didn't have the energy to care.

"Anything that might keep my boy safe." Sha'lain'a responded. She was rubbing his cheek. 

Kaldur looked into the tall, skinny, sea glass bottle. Bright colors swirled in unpredictable directions and shifted into duller tones only to reignite seconds later. 

In the aftermath of the war that took King Thar, orphaning Garth, and causing many to flee Shayeris, it was thought the gods would no longer be able to find the inhabitants of the once hidden city. So the high priests came up with a solution. Catch the gods attention with beautiful collections of colors that stood out against the drab war torn sea floor. Kaldur could feel his mother's magic dancing softly in and around the bottle, which was a far greater comfort than the thought of being watched by gods. 

"Sand?" He asked, looking intently at the thin layer of ocean sand that rested under the mix of colors.

"Your fath- Calvin, thought you may want a piece of home while you wait on that damnable Widowhood. And who knows, maybe a piece of the Ocean will help the Gods find you up here." 

"And if I don't want them too?" 

"As if we have any say over the Gods." She murmured before quickly changing the subject. "Calvin wants to be here-"

"I know. It's alright. I'll see him when I'm better." The experiments that allowed his stepfather to live in the Ocean cursed him to stay there. Something that was particularly painful to Kaldur right now. 

"And allowed home." A hardness passed over her eyes that made Kaldur deeply uncomfortable. That side of his mother had always stayed locked away from him. 

"Technically I'm allowed home. It's just best if-"

"You're hidden away." 

He opened his mouth to argue but so much talking had left his throat dry. Kaldur tried to swallow leading to a coughing fit. Sha'lain'a gently pulled him into a sitting position. Pain bloomed in his chest, the still healing knife wound burning and screaming with each cough. Panic started to rise under the pressure of his coughs, limiting his breathing even further. Soon his choking was filled with gasping. Sha'lain'a was digging through the bag the Doctors had given him and soon emerged with an inhaler. Thankfully it wouldn't be a permanent fixture of his life. It took three puffs of the medicine to knock his respiratory system back where it should be. His lungs finally expanding against his tight chest. 

Koryak knocked on the door but didn't wait for an answer. A glass of water held firmly in his hand. 

"Everything okay in here?" He asked.

"It is now. Thank you." Kaldur's mother accepted the glass and smiled at the other boy. It was a tight and uncertain expression, but if Koryak noticed he didn't say anything. Instead he nodded politely and ducked out of the room. "I don't know how I feel about that boy." 

"He's...well there's certainly no one like him." Kaldur responded. His voice was still scratchy even as he downed the water. "He respects you though."

"He said that?" 

"No. But he actually treats you with respect." 

"I'm going to need you to elaborate?"

Kaldur shrugged. It was hard to pinpoint exactly. But his mother was one of the few people, next to Kako (Koryak's own mother) and Mera, who wasn't met with immediate aggression from the Prince. Instead he held his tongue and did his best not to offend. Kaldur tried his best to explain this to Sha'lain'a. 

"I see." She looked over her shoulder at the door. "You really do surround yourself with quite the cast of people." 

He couldn't help but laugh at that, pulling at his stitches and sending a new fire through his lungs. "You really have no idea." Kaldur was surprised when his mother pursued her lips at him. She didn't say anything though, instead standing up and walking to his music player sitting on the floor. "I really do wish people would start saying what was on their minds." He said falling back on his pillows. Sha'lain'a continued to look through his bare selection of music. 

"I don't wish to argue with you." She finally said. 

"You may be the only one." His eyes landed on Koryak's painting hanging next to the door. Had they even had a real conversation yet? He was pulled out of his thoughts by his mother's loud sigh. She rose without selecting any music and suddenly the air felt heavy. 

A blind man could see what he'd done to her. Done to Calvin. But they'd all been dancing around it. Now though, it seemed like the conversation was so close. Too close. He wasn't ready. Sha'lain'a's back was ridged, her head hung in a way unknown to him. When she finally turned around tears shone in her eyes. Kaldur's familiar friend nausea made an appearance. He really needed to get a trash can for his room. He opened his mouth to speak but his tongue was heavy.

"We should have told you." It was a whisper off his mother's lips. 

"You had your reasons." 

"It wasn't right. But...we convinced ourselves it was what was best for you." Her eyes tore away from him.

"I'm not angry anymore." He lied. 

"If you had known then you wouldn't have left us." 

" _Mother_." Her head didn't move but her eyes returned to his.

"You would have though. Wouldn't you?" 

Yes. He would have done what needed to be done. For the world. For Tula. For justice-

"And for what? For _revenge_?"

Justice, not revenge. It wasn't revenge. The bad guys got revenge. He was a good guy. He pulled his knees into his chest like when he was sick as a child. Had it been anyone but his mother, except maybe Calvin, he would have ignored the impulse for fear of looking childish. Weak. It wasn't revenge. He was right damn it. He had to be. Kaldur had done what needed to be done. There wasn't another way to get the intel. Was there? 

"Just tell me this Minnow. Did you at least get what you were looking for?" 

Tears spilled out from his eyes. Clearly the meds were lowering his inhibitions. The room was spinning and in no time his mother was sitting on the side of the bed. Gently cupping his cheeks in her hands. She set a small kiss to his forehead. "It's okay Minnow. We understand. Both of us. And we forgive-"

"Don't." 

"Well sweetheart you don't have a say in the matter." She said it so simply. So matter of fact he almost felt like laughing. Instead he leaned into her touch until it was time for his medication. The pain pills knocked him out and when he woke up a few hours later he was surprised to see his mother still sitting in his desk chair next to the bed. She was asleep, her head drooping causing golden hair to pool around her shoulders. He pulled off the embroidered blanket from his lap and placed it on hers and set his lobster on top. It was the least he could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments mayhaps?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going from where I am in the fic and hopping back here to do a grammar check? Well I guess you'll find out ;)

"Morning sunshine!" Raquel's voice was a comforting change of pace. Kaldur let his heavy eyes drift open to look at her. She was standing with her back to him, messing with a plant he was sure wasn't in the corner before. She seemed comfortable in a pair of leggings and an oversized, stylish, sweater. It had been two days since he'd convinced his mother to return home. Two painfully lonely days. Sure Lisa and Koryak would occasionally pop in to check on him but it wasn't the same. Koryak would barely even try to hold a conversation with him. And Lisa was too anxiously focused on making sure he was okay. 

"This is a surprise." Despite himself he let a small smile pull on his lips. He didn't have the energy to keep it away. Or to sit up for that matter.

"A welcome one I hope." 

"Always." 

Her hands froze on a leaf she was messing with. At last she turned to face him and his heart sunk. So did his smile. Raquel wasn't smiling at him. A tiredness rested behind her eyes. And heartbreak. Gods he was so stupid. 

"How ya feeling?" She made her way over to the bed, not quite looking at him. Why wouldn't anyone _look_ at him? 

"Like every cell in my body was stripped of oxygen with a painful magic. And I was stabbed."

"So the usual then?" A smirk broke out on her face. It immediately released the tension in his chest.

"Basically." 

She helped him sit up, nevermind his protests and climbed onto the small bed with him. The old wood whined loudly at the additional body. It was louder than he remembered it being the last time they laid like this. Maybe it'd need to be replaced soon, not that he was willing to do that. But the familiarity of her laying next to him in his bed was something soft and warm to hold onto. Her hair brushed against his gills as she snuggled in close. Kaldur held onto her like she'd keep him balanced. Not that he actually had high hopes of that. No one else had succeeded thus far. 

"The cavalry will be here soon by the way. I just wanted a chance to speak to you one on one." 

"Can't we just lie here?" 

"The longer you let the elephant in the room sit, the harder it will be to acknowledge." 

“I’m just sick of acknowledging it.”

“Then you shouldn’t have done it.” It was a simple statement. No well deserved malice or anything, and yet it stabbed him, like that damned knife, all the same.

“What was I supposed to do?”

“You don’t want my answer.”

“You’re probably right.” 

“I’m always right.” She shifted so that her soft brown eyes could meet his. _At last_. “That’s not what I wanted to talk about though.” Kaldur felt his eyebrow raise involuntarily. “You missed my wedding Kal.” The soft sadness she’d been hiding reared its head. Without thinking he pulled her in closer. 

"Would apologizing help?" 

"No. But you can anyway." 

For what felt like the millionth time he apologized. Raquel nodded gently against his chest. His eyes landed on Erika's invite still pinned to the board, twisting in the AC's artificial current. Weddings were supposed to be happy occasions. He wouldn't really be welcome, no matter what others thought. He was an anchor pulling down the people he loved. Nothing he did would undo that. There wasn’t a person he loved that he hadn’t brought pain and suffering. Suddenly Raquel pulled away, her face twisted in confusion and eyes wide with worry. 

"What are you thinking about?" 

"Why do you ask?"

She set her hand on his chest over his heart. Even with his tee shirt on he could feel her comfortable warmth. So familiar. But still a reminder of _another_ relationship he fucked up. "Your heart is going a mile a minute." She explained. 

"Is it?" 

"Kaldur."

He decided to change the subject. Explaining his thoughts would only drag her down with him. She didn't deserve that. "Why did you get me a plant?"

" _Kaldur_." 

"Seriously." 

She stared at him until at last she sighed. "Typically when someone is hurt you get them flowers," 

"Yes?" 

"Well cut flowers die and honestly that's sad as shit. But living flowers require…"

"A green thumb?"

"Sure let's go with that. But the guy at the nursery said Gerald over there is pretty sturdy. And I set up a watering system so it just needs to be filled once a week or so." 

"Gerald?" 

"It seemed right." 

A new smile broke out on his face. Without thinking he used his limited strength to pull her back down so that she was on top of him. In another time this might have been romantic. But he was more than fine with it being platonic. Garth's magic may have started healing his blood cells, and doctors Diade and Thnita were doing wonders for the stab wound. But right now Raquel was helping heal a wound he let fester and become infected long ago. Her body on his. Her warmth soaking in. The small circles she was tracing on his arm over his icon. At last he let his muscles relax since that walk on the beach. Kaldur never wanted this moment to end. 

So of course that's when Dick walked through his door. 

"Um. Hi?" 

Raquel pushed off Kaldur and stood up, but his emptiness was ever so slightly more bearable now. Still, it hurt in a way he couldn't articulate. 

"Hey dumbass." Her voice was a bit harsher with Dick than it was with Kaldur. He wondered if there was a piece he was missing. It didn't matter, because soon the remaining members of the year one Team, minus Roy and Wally, were packed into his tiny "sad ass" room. Obligation was apparently a powerful thing. He couldn't think of another reason for them all to be here. 

Artemis's grey eyes looked around the room like she was a professor looking over a paper. At last she nodded in approval. "Better. Still sad. But better." 

"Thanks." Kaldur knew his voice was flat. He didn't care. Suddenly he was very tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. One person at a time seemed to be his limit and his pain killers were definitely wearing off. It didn't help that Zatanna made him film a video of himself waving to send to Zach. Apparently the teen blamed himself for Kaldur jumping in front of the knife. 

Soon the others were talking about the state of his room. It sounded as awkward and stiff as the conversations he'd been having, which was a small comfort. He would occasionally step in to object to an idea, like M'gann saying he needed to paint his walls. Or to accept the rare compliment; Artemis approving of him putting the plastic plant she bought on the windowsill. But when his phone alarm went off and he took his meds he didn't even try to fight the sleep. He sort of recognized when Raquel picked the stuffed lobster off the floor where it had fallen, and set it gently on his chest. She could stay. She never drained him the way others did. But she wouldn't stay. She'd leave just like everyone else. And he'd deserved it. 

Before he was completely asleep the others shuffled out, into the kitchen from the sound of it. M'gann stopped by the side of his bed, clasped his hand, and whispered another apology. 

He'd been exposed to many, _many_ of her apologies. In many forms. But this one sounded so sad. He summoned the last of his strength to squeeze her hand back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I check for comments regularly because I'm a basic bitch who needs immediate validation


	10. Chapter 10

" _Talk_ to him." Lisa demanded. She was helping Kaldur change his bandages with a little too much force. She'd become his own personal nurse and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. Her bedside manner definitely needed some work however. 

"Garth, Koryak, Roy, or Dick?" 

She pulled away to glare at him. "Pick." 

"Lisa,"

"Do you want to feel better or not?" 

He blinked at the top of her head. "What?" 

"You heard me." She stood up and collected the old dressings off the floor. 

He heaved out a sigh, wincing in pain, and dropped back down on his bed. Kaldur's head was throbbing and he didn't know if it was because of Lisa's sudden interest in his mental health or some other reason. His calloused fingers pinched the bridge of his nose. Thankfully Koryak chose that moment to bust in through the door. Or it would have been thankful had Lisa not been in a _mood_. 

Before the Prince could even get his bitching out of his mouth Lisa pushed past and slammed the door. Locking it from the outside, which was a major design flaw if you asked Kaldur. Sure, at one point this was a storage room but modern bedrooms did not lock with a key and certainly not on the opposite side of the door. He made a mental note to have La'gaan replace the handle. 

Koryak stood for a moment, finger hanging in the air, before turning to Kaldur.

"What just happened."

"Lisa wants us to talk." 

"I've said everything I plan on saying." 

Kaldur grunted in response. His headache was slamming into his forehead and he couldn't bring himself to care about this particular dilemma. Talking to Koryak was so low on the list of things Kaldur wanted to do he wasn't sure it even registered. Having the slightly older man poke through his sparse things was even lower. But he couldn't bring himself to stop him. So he listened as Koryak flipped through the stacks of papers on his desk, looked through the few records laying next to his player, and try the door at least twice. 

"Can you not?" 

"Hm?" Koryak didn't even bother using words. Probably to spite Lisa in case she was listening at the door. 

"Messing with my stuff?" 

"Why?" 

Kaldur gritted his teeth, worsening his pain. "Would you want me poking through your shit?" 

The sound of Koryak's movement came to a stop. "What's your problem?"

"Which one?"

He didn't expect an answer. He wanted to be left alone. Which was odd because since he got home he'd been overwhelmed by loneliness. Even now that loneliness sat behind his pain and irritation.

"The one making you act like a dick." 

Kaldur shot up, infuriated. It felt like his blood sloshed around his skull and had he been in the company of anyone else he would have doubled over. Instead he risked standing up, only to immediately collapse to the floor. Koryak let out an exclamation and his hands were under Kaldur's arms pulling him back up. The door slammed open, proving Lisa _was_ listening, at least a little bit. She was at his side guiding him to his bed. He was crowded. Claustrophobic even.

He pinched his eyes shut. The thudding in his head magnifying everything. 

"Go away." Was all he could get out as he sat back down on the bed. 

"What?" Lisa's voice had taken on a higher pitch.

"Go. Away!"

They both jumped back. Kaldur didn't look at them, instead he buried his face in his pillow. The pain was pulsing in his eyes now and he just wanted it to _stop_. He wanted everything to stop. Why couldn't he just stop?

He cringed when Lisa's soft hand rubbed the back of his head. He could feel every strand of hair move as she did. His nerves were raw and he pushed her hands away and dug his own fingers into his scalp. The pain from his fingers warring, and losing, against the pain rattling in his skull. She got the hint and backed up. 

"Do you want-"

"No!" 

The two retreated and some relief tugged on him. But still the pain slammed into his head over and over. Zero to 100 as Debbie would say. Except his pain level never sat at a zero anymore. 

One of them came back long enough to flip off the light. Which was a kindness. 

Sleep eventually came, heavy and hot and uncomfortable and he woke up not feeling much better at all. Something wet rested on the back of his neck, no doubt a rag, Lisa's go to. The lights from his mother's gift lit up his nightstand, showing a bottle of painkillers that weren't there when he fell asleep. If he could take them with his prescribed medication was another issue entirely. 

The light had stopped filtering in through the blinds. How long had he been asleep? 

He struggled to sit up. Kaldur definitely felt like an ass. His head still fought back as he stumbled to his feet and out into the hallway. There was no telling if Lisa was still here but he could at least apologize to Koryak. 

He managed his way into the kitchen regret hitting him harder than the pain. Garth looked from the kitchen table, purple eyes wide, bags hanging under them. Papers, in Atlantean, Scottish, and English, were scattered seemingly without reason across the wooden surface. Pens were laying on the floor like they'd been pushed off and forgotten. 

Kaldur swallowed the egg in his throat. Without a word he moved to pick up the closest pen and set it on the table. His legs were shaking in protest, it'd been a while since he walked farther than the bathroom. Which was probably why Garth felt comfortable setting up shop in the Lighthouse. 

The Ambassador watched Kaldur for an uncomfortable amount of time before returning to the paperwork. The General (former general?) collapsed into a chair, his legs finally giving up. Garth didn't look up, but he also didn't leave, or react at all. Which was a step in the right direction. 

Lisa may be begging him to talk but this seemed like a good first step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really appreciate some comments pls


	11. Chapter 11

"Headaches huh?"

"And irritation." 

Thnita looked up from her notes. Her thick pink curls, much more vibrant on the Surface, contrasted beautifully with her dark brown skin. "Sha'lain'a if your son is just now realizing he's irritable I think I must have missed a bigger issue years ago." 

His mother let out a small laugh. Kaldur however, didn't think it was all that funny. Something was wrong with him and it needed to be fixed. 

"I suspect he's concerned because he's actually acting on his irritation instead of shoving it aside." Sha'lain'a raised an eyebrow. Kaldur nodded in agreement. Not that it was entirely accurate but close enough. 

"Well the good news," The Doctor began again, "I think the irritation is just a side effect of everything else that's going on. Now the headaches might be something to worry about. We can schedule some tests if you'd like, keeping in mind I would recommend strongly that we schedule tests. Or we can wait and see."

"The Widowhood will be announcing their decision in two weeks. We can do the tests then?" He asked. 

"Sure. It's a little far out but if you're comfortable with it." She gave a little nod and wrote in her stack of papers. 

"I am." He was so unbelievably ready for this to be over. Yes he appreciated the Doctor coming all the way here. And he was glad his healing was on track. But that didn't mean he liked any of this. He wanted to go back to his room, instead he was stuck in the kitchen between his mother and the Doctor. 

"Alright. Then I think we're done here." 

At last. 

He took more time than he would have liked getting to his feet but once there he was glad he didn't need any help to remain standing. Kaldur hugged his mother goodbye, assuring her he was going to get some rest. And, in a glorified stumble really, made it to his room. Standing in the doorway he could definitely see an improvement from a few months ago. Still it seemed bare with the music player and books sitting on the floor next to his desk and limited decorations. At least Gerald was helping brighten the room. Still though, maybe he should ask Artemis or La'gaan to go shopping with him again. 

He was honestly desperate to get out of the Lighthouse. But he just didn't have the energy. 

Collapsing onto his bed he thought about the amount of sleep he'd been getting. Probably more than he had his entire life. So why was he so tired all the damn time? The obvious reasons were his injuries. But thinking back on it he'd been tired even before then. It's just now he has nothing to push it away. To throw himself into. 

A knock on his open door ended his thoughts before he could make any life changing discoveries about himself. 

"Get out."

"Just hear me out." Roy had his hands in the air in front of his chest. 

"No." 

Roy hadn't heard Kaldur out. Had left him broken hearted and confused, more than once. Betrayed in a way Kaldur couldn't even begin to replicate even after the mission…

The panic that Roy dragged along with him started to well in Kaldur's chest. At least he was seated firmly on his bed. Roy had gained a little bit of weight since the last time Kaldur had seen him on the porch steps. His hollow cheeks filled out some and his arms were slowly returning to the toned muscles Kaldur was used to. He flinched at the memories of those arms wrapped comfortably around his waist or shoulders. Those soft lips against his cheek, his own mouth, his…

Kaldur's breathing was starting to go shallow. 

"Kal-"

" _Don't._ " 

"I just want you to meet my daughter!" Roy yelled desperately, but it wasn't the volume or tone that shook Kaldur's core. 

"What?" 

"My daughter." Roy motioned towards the hallway before ducking that direction and grabbing a baby carrier. Kaldur blinked. The confusion overtaking the panic. Roy had a daughter? With who? Donna? Grace? _Jade?_ And more importantly why hadn't anyone told him? Why hadn't _Artemis_ told him? 

"I wanted you to meet her last month at dinner. But something came up and you had to leave." Roy was holding her now. 

The child was still asleep and stirred a little when Roy adjusted his hold. A mess of red brown hair rested on the baby's tan head. That was all Kaldur could see of her from his spot on the bed. She was wrapped in a blanket covered in flowers. 

"Kaldur, meet my daughter, Lian." 

He wasn't sure about taking the girl, his strength was still returning after all, but Roy was moving his arms in place before he could completely process the situation. For a split second her eyes, as blue as her father's, batted open before she settled into his hold. Kaldur couldn't help but smile just a little. There was something so pure and innocent about children. Roy set his hand on Kaldur's knee sending a wave of nausea over him. Jerking away he did his best not to disturb Lian. Roy got the hint and removed his hand. 

"I owe you a lot, _a lot_ , of apologies Kaldur. More than I can even count." His eyes moved to the blood stained floor. "But I was thinking about the people I wanted in my daughter's life, and I just kept coming back to you." 

Kaldur ignored the tears threatening to show themselves. "Perhaps you should have thought of that-"

"I know. Trust me. And...I have a lot of regrets. I said things I didn't mean because I knew it would hurt you. But I didn't mean any of them."

"What did I do?" Kaldur's voice cracked. The question that had been floating around in his mind for at least two years now finally escaping. 

"Nothing." Roy shook his head. "I mean, that's not one hundred percent true, but nothing that deserved that. I'm working on getting better. And I don't want you to forgive me overnight. Or even ever." He sighed and finally dragged his eyes back up to Kaldur. "I just want to try again. I want her to have you." 

"Why?" Why would anyone want to have him? All he did is leave a trail of destruction and pain behind him. 

"Because I love you. I know she will too." 

"Take her."

"Wha-"

"Now." 

Roy did as he was told and Kaldur barely made it the bathroom before vomiting stomach acid. This really was getting old. Once he was finished he leaned against the cool bathroom wall. 

"Do you do that whenever someone shows you affection?" Roy was standing awkwardly in the hall, Lian returned to her carrier. 

"It is becoming a habit." 

"No shit?" 

Kaldur nodded suddenly wishing Lisa was here with a cool rag and soft words. 

"Can I get you anything?" 

Even though Kaldur, for once, knew exactly what he wanted he just shrugged. 

"I'll, uh, get you some water to rinse your mouth out." 

Kaldur watched the way Roy hesitated at Lian's carrier. Clearly trying to decide if he should bring her the few feet into the kitchen or not. In the end he left her where she was and disappeared out of sight. 

There's no way Kaldur could do this, he decided. The apology was nice, and more than he ever thought he'd get, but it didn't repair anything. 

_"You burned your bridges. Now rebuild them or don't."_

Except Koryak hadn't given Kaldur even the smallest chance to rebuild. Is that really something Kaldur wanted to do to Roy? To Lian? To himself?

"Here ya go. I, uh, grabbed some wet paper towels too." 

"Thank you." Kaldur gratefully took them. He wouldn't have to decide right now. 

"Yeah. Totally." 

Kaldur managed to get back into his room without help. Roy and Lian following close behind. Lian had woken up in the last few minutes and was cooing quietly to herself. For a long pause that was the only noise that filled the small room.

"I like your music player…"

"Thanks." 

"Want me to turn it on?" 

Kaldur shrugged and laid back. He was tired. The Doctor had already used up most of his energy and now whatever this was with Roy had really sapped him. He let his eyes drift close. The sound of Roy feeding a CD into the machine quieter than Lian but loud enough for him to notice. As the music played Kaldur let himself doze in and out. Eventually when he woke up again Roy and his daughter were gone. 

Kaldur couldn't decide if the pit in his stomach was disappointment or not. Though, he did crack a smile when he saw Roy had left a list of music suggestions on his desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roy chapters are always a treat. Don't you think so?


	12. Chapter 12

"How long till they kill each other?" Lisa took a long sip off her lemonade.

"This is their process." 

She nodded, clearly unsure. If he'd been in a better mood Kaldur would probably have been amused by the sight in front of him. Two of the smartest people he knew being absolutely stumped by a WalMart bookshelf. 

"La'gaan I will skin you." Sheeva brandished a screwdriver in the other Atlantean's direction. She was laying on the floor, the end of her mermaid tail resting on the couch, surrounded by parts and pieces. 

"Try it!" His hammer challenged her screwdriver. 

Kaldur brought his own lemonade to his lips. Eventually the two would wrap back around to being productive, but without Blubber here to be the level head this would go on for a while. He pushed off the door frame in between the kitchen and living room and walked towards the table. Lisa followed on his heels, looking back when Sheeva let out a loud swear. 

"I'm going to fix lunch." 

Kaldur responded with a shrug. In all honesty he didn't care what Lisa was going to do, or the Landlovers building him a bookshelf, or anything really. He just felt tired and maybe even a little numb except for the pain smacking into his head. The only reason he'd wandered out of his bedroom at all was because of a nightmare where the walls had closed in and suffocated him. 

"Sandwiches okay?" 

"That sounds fine." 

Lisa pursed her lips, which were colored green for some reason. In fact her whole face was done up in makeup. How had he not noticed before? Wasn't noticing things part of his job? 

"Going somewhere tonight?" 

"Hm? Oh, the makeup?" 

"Yes." 

"No. I was trying to flirt with the new waitress at Sam's but ended up knocking chowder on her and now I can never go there again." 

A smirk or maybe a smile tugged on the edge of his lips, but it felt empty. "I'm certain it wasn't that bad." 

Her thick hair bounced when she shook her head. "It was bad Kaldur." 

He let a small hum in response, not sure how to continue the conversation. Kaldur ran a finger over the sacred wood of the table. He was vaguely sure the deep gash that dipped under his finger was from a heated game of Monopoly. It felt like a million years ago. A part of him wanted to ask Lisa if he was remembering correctly, but the words lingered on his tongue. Bringing up memories very easily could end up talking about Tula or the way things were before he destroyed them. 

"Have you heard from Garth?" 

"What do you think?" 

She tossed a look over her shoulder at him before returning to the sandwiches. "He's pretty optimistic about the Widowhood."

"So I should be worried." 

"Why do you assume he's against you?" 

"Because he should be." The words fell out of his mouth before he could stop them. Lisa's shoulders tensed but she didn't continue with the conversation. Which he was grateful for. He didn't want to dive into that statement. Why he felt that way. Because he knew he really did feel that way. He no longer deserved the love and support of his best friend. Of anyone.

Lisa set a plate of food on the table with a _clinck_ before taking La'gaan and Sheeva their lunch. Kaldur wasn't really hungry but he also wasn't interested in the lecture he'd get for not eating. The sandwich tasted surprisingly bland. It dried out his mouth and was largely unenjoyable in a few different ways. Still though he choked it down out of obligation. The lemonade disappeared half way through leaving him to suffer through the rest. 

"You look absolutely miserable." Lisa snatched up his empty dishes before he could protest. 

"My apologies."

"Are you feeling any better?" 

"I'm in less pain." 

"That was so specific I feel it didn't answer my question." 

"I can't help what you feel." 

A fresh glass of lemonade was set in front of him. "You need a hobby." 

"I'm fine." 

She grabbed his ear and turned him to look face to face. "You aren't. And anyone with eyes can see that." 

Anger sparked in his chest. The first real thing aside from pain he'd felt in days. So he latched on to the fury. Knocking her hand away with too much force he stormed out of the kitchen. So many arguments fighting to escape his mouth but dying when he got to his bedroom. Slamming the door satisfied a part of him but it was an empty satisfaction. Most things in his life felt empty anymore. 

He collapsed onto the bed. His still healing wound throbbing in a steady pain, in tandem with his headache. 

Why was he like this? 

Lisa was just trying to help. 

She wouldn't come back a second time. 

She shouldn't have come back the first.

A knock on the door reignited his anger. Why was he so mad? 

"What?" 

"I was gonna wait till we had the shelf built," La'gaan started. "But I have something for you." 

Kaldur resisted the urge to roll his eyes even though La'gaan couldn't see him. Why did people keep giving him things? Did they really think they could put him back together with _stuff_?. "It's not locked." 

La'gaan smiled sheepishly, pointed teeth reflecting in the afternoon light. The reusable tote on his shoulder looked rather weighted down. "Well." He shifted uncomfortably, dropping the bag in front of Kaldur. "I actually really liked when you were reading that stupid book every night and telling me about it." His red eyes darted down and he brushed the fin that ran down his neck. "So maybe this is selfish...but I haven't been in a great place lately. Which I know you know. And that stupid book. I mean a lawn gnome as a murder weapon?! Well." He motioned towards the bag. Kaldur had a feeling he knew where this was going. 

He pulled book after book out of the bag. “Sugar and Vice”, “Paws and Effect”, “Come Homicide or High Water”, “Nacho Average Murder”. Two copies of each. The anger twisted into something he couldn't identify. 

"Maybe, and you don't have to Chum!, but maybe. We could do like a two person book club?" His fins dipped down as he stuttered out the words. 

"Alright." 

"Really?" 

Kaldur nodded. He flipped the book in his hands anxiously. La'gaan wanted, maybe even needed, to spend time with him. It didn't compute. He nodded again, this time more vigorously. Guilt rattled in him because La'gaan was making a mistake by asking to spend time with him. But he was so lonely he decided to be selfish. 

"Cool. Cool cool...yeah. I'm gonna…" He pointed over his shoulder. Kaldur nodded again. Once the younger boy was gone tears smacked the cover of the book. He wiped his eyes and collected his copies of the books, leaving the others in the bag. Nervous energy burned his muscles, he had the sudden need to rid himself of it. The least he could do was clear off a space for the bookshelf assuming they finished it before murdering each other. What pun would title that story? 

It didn't take any time to move the music player, music, and books off the floor and onto his desk. As he set the last of the records down a business card he'd forgotten about caught his eye. Dr. Clancy. 

Kaldur still wasn't sure how he felt about the idea of therapy but he pinned the card to his board just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems kinda silly to keep asking for comments when I'm not getting any, but like if you thoughts and feelings I'd love to hear them!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's 2 days late. Sry!

He'd been plagued by nightmares. Which wasn't particularly surprising to him. They'd chased Kaldur throughout childhood and now into adulthood. What did surprise him was Koryak already sitting out on the porch. It had to be at least four am, Kaldur didn't bother checking on his way out. The air hadn't made it's mind it if was cool night air, or heavy morning air. The sky was a deep blue that wasn't quite darkness but certainly wasn't bright. Stars were blinking out, but the ones who didn't stood shimmering against the rich blue. 

Koryak looked up at Kaldur as he approached the empty seat a few feet away. Kaldur was careful not to knock into the easel or table covered in paint tubes. Koryak's red rimmed eyes followed him carefully. The shadows from the lamps he dragged out tossed jagged shadows on his face that mostly hid his sorrows. Mostly. 

"Morning." Kaldur said, even though he didn't particularly want to talk. His voice was still scratchy with sleep and he was pretty sure he'd been biting his tongue throughout the nightmare. 

"Yeah." At last he pulled his eyes off Kaldur. 

Kaldur had come outside in an attempt to be closer to the ocean. To feel the breeze on his skin and taste the salt. Instead he watched Orin's son paint. He was mildly fascinated by the brush strokes and how the paint mixed together. How mistakes could be covered up but still affect the map of the canvas. 

"How many people did you kill? How many parents did you take?" 

The sudden questions rocked Kaldur's core. Ice immediately ran through his veins, worse than Garth's magic. His throat swelled close. All he could do was shake his head and frown.

Koryak set the paintbrush down on the lip of the easel and turned to look at him. Hair had slipped from his sloppy bun tossing new shadows across his face. "How many people?" 

"None."

"Liar."

"By my hand." He had to get the words out, no matter how much it hurt to think about. 

"What?"

"None by my hand."

"And that makes it better?" The quiet anger was sharp and stabbed Kaldur's chest in a way the knife never could have. 

"No." He swallowed but the lump in his throat remained. "But I did try." His voice cracked on “try”. 

"Try what?" 

"To save them. To save anyone." Walls he put up were suddenly threatening to come down. The nightmares were clawing at the back of his head. He couldn't breathe. He didn't deserve to breathe. "I...I did what...I did…" He doubled over trying to get air in his lungs. He was crying _again_. That breakdown on the beach a few months ago, had it been so long already?, had really broken the dam. "It wasn't enough. It'll never...never be…" A cool, rough, hand landed on his bare shoulder. "I'm _sorry_. I wanted… to do more…" 

"Damnit." 

Kaldur couldn't bring himself to look at Koryak to understand what he meant by that. Koryak's hand rubbed circles onto Kaldur's back until at last he could breathe. He struggled to his feet and retreated back to him room. The prince didn't follow. Exhaustion managed to knock him into a dreamless sleep. 

When he woke up he was just as tired as when he collapsed. 

Kaldur hoped his shower would knock some of the exhaustion off. Disappointment lined his heart when it didn't work. Not even Salty's unbridled energy could "pep him up" as M'gann would put it. 

"Good morning!" Lisa's voice ambushed him as he entered the kitchen. Kaldur physically winced at her energy. 

"Don't you have a home?" 

"Rude." The way she smirked showed she didn't really care. But she also didn't answer his question. "Besides, between you, Koryak, and the dog, you _need_ a caregiver." 

That rubbed Kaldur's scales the wrong way for sure. He was a full grown man and could more than take care of himself. And a dog if he needed to. Now at least. Not a few months ago but now. Right? He turned away from the woman at the stove. 

"He's still out there?" Kaldur frowned at the back of Koryak's head through the kitchen window. 

"How long has he been out there?" Lisa turned a little, a frown trying to break onto her face but she pushed it away. Her returning smile suddenly plastic. 

Kaldur responded with a shrug. He rejoined Koryak on the porch, the harsh shadows banished from his face by the morning sun. And without them he looked tired. His brown skin was sickly and his eyes bloodshot. Another person Kaldur had failed to see the obvious. "Lisa is making breakfast." 

"Lisa is here?" 

"I think she made herself a key."

Koryak chuckled. "It wouldn't surprise me." 

A heavy blanket of silence settled over them. Kaldur turned to watch the waves. It settled his soul a little bit how consistent the ocean could be.

"You didn't kill anyone?" 

"I blame myself for plenty of deaths. But no. I didn't kill anyone, on that mission." Of course he'd killed people, he was a soldier after all, but the distinction was important. 

"Okay." 

Kaldur turned back to him. "Does this mean we're friends again?" 

"No." 

The wave of nausea smacked into Kaldur's body. But he forced himself to stay anchored to the porch. "I see."

Koryak pushed up from the chair so that his eyes were level with Kaldur's. Or almost. When had Kaldur gotten taller? 

"But, maybe we can try again. Start over." 

"I'd like that." It helped, but the guilt still gnawed away at his insides. 

"Honestly? Me too dude." He clapped his hand against Kaldur's upper arm. 

They walked into the kitchen together and were immediately met by Lisa scolding Koryak. Kaldur was just glad he wasn't her target for once. Three full plates of eggs, bacon, and toast sat on the table next to cups of coffee and water. He wished it looked good. Wished it had a taste. But he forced it down and thanked Lisa with as much gusto as he could manage. Which wasn't much.

"You're in a good mood this morning." Koryak muttered, accused almost, between bites. 

"Am I?" Lisa grinned. 

"So she said yes?" Kaldur asked, thinking back to the conversation from a few days ago. 

"Oh?" Koryak perked up, ready for some gossip. It was weirdly comforting to Kaldur. Lisa recounted her misadventure knocking chowder onto the new waitress. How she fled the restaurant. Sobbed in her car. And how she'd run into the waitress at the grocery and the woman accepted her awkward advances. It was certainly more dramatic in her retelling than it most likely had been in reality. Kaldur let the happy tale fade into the background. He was happy for Lisa. Wasn't he? Shouldn't he be? He was happy for Erika and Dwayne, and Raquel and her spouse. Right? Was there a different reason he didn't want to go to the officers' wedding aside from not belonging there? 

Koryak's foot collided with his knee causing him to jump. 

"Why did you do that?" Kaldur demanded. 

"You kinda glazed over." 

"So you kicked me?" 

His response was a shrug. 

"I just wish you two would go back to getting along." Lisa sighed.

"We used to get along?" Koryak smirked. 

"We did." 

Brown eyes landed on him again. This time when Koryak looked at him he didn't feel anger from him. Instead it might have been a sadness. 

"I'm going to get some sleep." He disappeared before Lisa or Kaldur could comment. 

"It's that time of year again." Lisa explained. Kaldur nodded, knowing she meant the anniversary of Kako's death. He wished there was something he could do. 

"People keep giving me things." 

"Okay?" 

"Let's go get him something." 

Lisa practically jumped up, gathering the empty dishes and tossing them in the sink. "Yeah! Alright!"

She was a worse driver than La'gaan. Only Kaldur had no confidence he could get the keys from her, so he just decided if this was how he died so be it. He might be better off in the long run anyway. She whipped into the parking spot so fast Wally would have been jealous. He just as quickly pushed aside thoughts of Wally. 

The art shop Lisa found was small but had several floors. It was absolutely overwhelming. Rows of supplies he had no idea how to use crowded around him. Cups of overly specific paintbrushes filled the tall shelves directly in front of him. Books crowded a shelf in front of the windows, blocking out the sun. Sketchbooks were filling shelves by the other set of windows. His friend must not have noticed how confining the space was because she started down the narrow aisles without him. 

"Doing okay?" A worker with multi colored hair approached him, a grin on his young face. 

"I'm not sure." 

The boy laughed. "Okay. Well. Why are you here?" 

Kaldur rubbed the back of his neck. "My friend paints." 

"That's a start." 

It took about twenty minutes of Kaldur deciding and changing his mind on paints, brushes, canvases, and anything else. The worker was extremely patient with him. At last he settled on a set of canvases that ranged in size and two large tubes of black and white acrylic paint. 

Lisa emerged from the basement level with a basket full of stuff. Including a small rubber manta ray about the size of a fingernail. Kaldur wasn't exactly thrilled when she gifted it to him but still he slid it into his pocket. 

Once it was his turn to check out his eyes fell on some wonderful postcards sitting on the counter. He picked up one of a crane poking at the water. It was done in soft blues and purples. It was calming to him in a way he didn't understand.

"Oh hey! I actually painted that! My mom has the original hanging up in our living room!" The worker grinned brightly. Kaldur wanted to tell him how peaceful it made him feel. Instead he just smiled and added it to his purchases.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments mayhaps?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another late one but like *shrugs dramatically*

This wasn't right.

This couldn't be right.

It didn't make sense. 

"Kaldur!" Debbie's hands roughly grabbed his face. "Kaldur you're gonna be okay! That crusty bitch didn't get her way for once!" 

"Deborah." Vulko scolded. But Kaldur couldn't focus on any of the voices around him. Nothing was adding up. The hugs he was receiving didn't register. The pats on the back triggered flight or fight. His brain felt like pudding. 

"Give him some space." Calvin's voice was an anchor in the chaos and without thinking Kaldur reached out for his stepfather. He knew he was holding on to his wrist too tightly. But there was no complaining. Kaldur was somewhat sure people _had_ backed off but it wasn't a comfort. The steady beat of Calvin's heart pounded against Kaldur's fingers. He decided to count the beats. 

One.

Two.

Three. 

Kaldur's own heart started to slow.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Water pushed comfortably through his gills.

Seven.

Eight. 

Nine. 

He let his fingers slip off his father's, _stepfather's_ , wrist. Things were still foggy but slowly he was piecing them together. 

The Windowhood had given him a complete pardon. Despite the Reverend Mother's opinions on the matter. He was safe. No jail. No banishment. No execution. Just, safe. And he didn't know how to deal with it. It didn't make any sense. Kaldur stood by his actions, most of them anyway, but he also knew Atlantis. It was a spiteful place that held grudges. Had Orin's reign clearly softened it so much? 

Sha'lain'a wrapped an arm around his shoulder, Calvin gave a few parting words, and before he knew it Kaldur was in his childhood home. 

"I've seen people in battle less shell shocked." 

He looked up at Calvin. They were in the living room. Kaldur on the couch, unchanged from when he was a boy, and Calvin sitting in a chair that had come much later into Kaldur's life. Atlantean furniture was usually much stiffer than on the Surface or much squisher. Very rarely was there an inbetween. So Calvin's stiff chair put him a few inches higher to Kaldur's squishy couch, making him feel like a child once more. Or perhaps it was just being around his parents.

"You're safe." 

"I know." 

"Then what's wrong?"

"That I don't know." 

The older man nodded softly. The water pushed gently around them. Kaldur took comfort in the soft way the ripples brushed his skin. He focused on the way the water felt around him. Unnoticeable in most situations. But it still collected against his eyelashes. Pushed against his webbing. Circulated through his gills. It was a comfort. One he leaned back to enjoy. Calvin's strong hand patted his knee and then he was gone. Into the small kitchen helping Sha'lain'a fix a celebratory dinner. 

Kaldur was going to be okay. 

Except.

He hadn't been okay for a long time. And now he didn't have an excuse on why he wasn't going to get better. Before he could brush it all off with a "I'll be dead soon anyway" or "I'll be in jail so what does it matter". The realization of what he'd been doing hit him in the stomach with the full force of Blockbuster or Bane. Rushing to the kitchen he didn't know what to say or what he wanted; he just wanted his parents.

And they were there. No questions asked, just yet. They held him until he broke free of the hug, too exhausted to hold himself up anymore. 

"It's been a long day," Sha'lain'a rested her palm on his cheek. "Go get some rest. One of us will get you when dinner is ready." He nodded against the touch, not quite wanting to break away. Her hand moved to his chest and she gave a gentle push. He gave another nod before departing the kitchen. 

His childhood bedroom was just as much the time capsule as it was when he'd returned from the mission. He'd only spent one night in here before retreating to the Surface. One night was enough. The picture of him, Garth, and Tula watched him throughout the night until he had to put it face down. That's how it was now. 

Despite his better judgment he picked up the frame as he sat on his bed. 

_"Pictures are proof we lived! So suck it up both of you and hold still!"_

Tula had always been so forceful. Some part of him wanted to smile. 

Instead he pushed out a sigh against his tight throat. Bubbles bounced off the frame warping the image. 

"Sorry to interrupt." Garth's voice was a bigger shock than the pardon. "I have to, uh, go over some legal stuff…" His purple eyes bounced around the room. How many times had they been in this room together? Tangled in each other's limbs, laughing and crying, just being friends. 

"Of course...Ambassador…" 

Garth seemed to flinch at the use of his title. He began to dive into everything. Basically it was just jargon explaining Kaldur was a free man. No sword rested against his throat. 

"You don't seem very happy." Neither did Garth. But Kaldur didn't say that. Instead he leaned back against the wall, the bed sloshing under him. 

"I was anticipating the worst. Looking forward to it maybe." He admitted, burning his throat and behind his eyes. Garth surprised him with a nod.

"That makes sense." 

"It does?" How could that possibly make sense? 

"Yeah…" He started twisting his long black hair. Two years ago Kaldur would have stopped the nervous tick. Now he just watched in pain. "When the worst keeps happening you start to expect it. It becomes a twisted comfort. Trust me. I know." 

Kaldur winced. He couldn't stand to look at the man he hurt anymore. Especially not when selfish tears had begun floating away from his eyes. 

"I don't think I'll ever forgive you Kaldur." 

"Of course." It was a strangled noise, not quite words. 

"But I miss you."

"I miss you too." He must not have been pulling enough oxygen from the water because black dots began floating at the edge of his vision. 

"I'm going to go." 

Kaldur nodded again. He didn't watch Garth leave or even try to hear the conversation he was having with Kaldur's parents. What he did do was slide the picture from a better time into his bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions comments and concerns mayhaps?


	15. Chapter 15

He still couldn't taste. 

Food had never _meant_ much to him. He enjoyed it and often missed his parents cooking or the cheap seaweed wraps from the vendor by the palace when on the Surface. And certainly while he was undercover. But it wasn't something he anchored himself on. But now he almost ached for it. 

If M'gann noticed his dilemma she didn't let on. She'd been pointedly not going in his head outside of missions. Not that he'd been on a mission since he was stabbed. So instead they both ate in silence, the small talk long since dead. 

"I really am happy about the Windowhood decision." She started edging into more difficult conversation. 

"As am I."

She nodded but a frown creased her brow.

"You don't believe me?" He asked. 

"I do…" She glanced around the restaurant. _Sam's_ was a familiar place to him, so of course it made him uncomfortable. "I'm just worried about you." 

"Lots of people seem to be." For some reason.

"That's because lots of people care about you." 

The spoon froze on its way to his mouth. That had certainly been true at one point. But he'd taken a hammer to that. Years of friendships and love shattered at his feet. 

"I mean it Kaldur." 

"I know you do." The shrimp chowder at last made it to his mouth. There was a time when it was one of his favorite things on the Surface. 

M'gann leaned back, a frown still sitting on her face. "Can I be honest?" 

Please no. "I would prefer it."

"When I was in your head," The spoon slipped from his fingers. But she was faster than him and caught it in the air. "You had a lot of walls up. And I put them all back where they belonged. Well, as much as they could belong. But maybe...maybe it's time for you to knock some down?" 

"Meaning what exactly?" 

"You need to let yourself grieve Kaldur." A hand ran through her short hair. "Artemis too...yeah." M'gann was uncomfortable, he could see that. And she was trying. Shouldn't he try? What happens if he doesn't? Would she give up? Leave him? Would he just end up alone in the end? Shouldn't he just end up alone in the end?

"And how do I do that?" It was an actual question. Quiet and soft and taking all of his courage to voice. 

She sat there for a long time before answering, choosing her words with care. "Start with Tula. Or Roy. I'm not sure how. I'm not licensed yet so I don't want to-"

"I understand."

"Maybe you should talk to someone licensed?" 

"Maybe I should." He still had the card Artemis gave him for Dr. Clancy. But that was such a large step and he couldn't force himself to even consider it right now. 

M'gann paid for both meals before Kaldur could stop her. Still desperate to make up for her own sins. When they hugged goodbye he didn't want to let go but he had to. So instead of holding on until his arms gave up he drove back to the Lighthouse, in Lisa's borrowed hatchback, with a pit of loneliness resting in his stomach. 

On his way to his room he froze in the kitchen. 

When someone who rebuilt your mind tells you that you need to tear down walls. Maybe it's time to try. 

Instead of walking to his room Kaldur turned the opposite direction. Tucked away under the main steps was a door he'd not opened in over two years. Maybe longer. Tula didn't often like people in her room, opting instead to hang out in Kaldur's or Garth's. His dark fingers hung over the discolored doorknob. Blood slammed against his eardrums, a familiar song at this point. 

If Kaldur's door had protested all those months ago, Tula's screamed out. He froze, worried the noise would alert others to his actions. Once satisfied that he hadn't been caught he slipped through the small opening he'd made. 

Gods. 

Had he not known her body rested in the Deep he'd have thought she'd just stepped out. Sandy footprints lead to the bed from the door. The top blanket ruffled like she'd just been laying there. Tears stung his eyes. He knew the bed would be cold. That Tula would never warm it again. His legs gave out so that he was sitting on the smooth floor. As ridiculous as it was he did his best not the mess with the foot prints. Still hung up on proof of the past. 

Time passed in disjointed moments. When he at last found his legs again he moved towards her bookshelf. 

Tula didn't have the same reservations about claiming a room that Kaldur did. In fact she'd almost over done it. The wall that held the door was covered with pictures to the point most couldn't be seen. The nightstand was crowded with candles, most unburned. There were two rugs, one in front of the desk and one in the corner surrounded with pillows. She'd even roughly stapled fairy lights around the little nook, not quite achieving the look she was probably going for. Under the window was the bookshelf he was currently using to hold himself up right. As it turned out she did have a record player, and a milk crate full of records. Still he was confident she'd be jealous of his all in one. Overall the tiny room was made much smaller by her, now dusty, things, but the room was so much more her than his would ever hope to be his. 

Kaldur returned to the floor, tempted to pull himself up and bury his face in his legs. Instead he reached for the milk crate, dragging it off the shelf. With each beat of his heart his headache got worse. After flipping through the vinyls about five times Kaldur realized he wasn't processing them at all. A numbness had crept through his body while he sat on the floor, only allowing the pain in his skull to remain. 

Was this what tearing down walls was like? Certainly not. 

Struggling to his feet, his remaining stitches tugging uncomfortably as he did, Kaldur looked down at the crate. Tula wouldn't want them to sit and collect dust. She also wouldn't want him in her room. But she was gone. She left him.

Still he was on high alert as he took the music into his room, out of fear of that he'd get caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point Kaldur's theme is just "Applebottom Jeans" because he just keeps hitting the floor. Anyway. Comments?


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I should probably note here that pretty much all of fic operates off the theory that Arsenal was the clone. Even so it would make sense that even as a clone Roy/Will would be affected by the death of biological Roy's dad because he has the same memory and trauma. It's sci fi things don't always have to make sense.

"So let me get this straight." Koryak began. "Your former boy toy, who broke your heart into an insane amount of pieces, went and got laid while you were playing Double O Seven, and is currently having a breakdown and also needs you to watch the product of being laid?" 

"That's not-" Kaldur cut himself off, shaking his head at Koryak. It wasn't that simple. Things are never that simple. But explaining things to Koryak was usually like talking to a brick wall. "Let's go with that." 

Koryak shrugged dramatically. "Just summarizing." 

"One question?" La'gaan piped up from the back of the kitchen. He seemed to be hiding from the infant. 

"Yeah?" Lisa's voice was muffled by Lian's overnight bag, which was packed in a hurry and seemingly without reason. Though Roy didn't have much reason in his voice when he was on the phone. By the time Kaldur got to his shoebox apartment he seemed to be a little better, but who knew how long he'd been pacing the tiny kitchen before Kaldur got there. 

"Do any of us know how to take care of a baby?" 

No one answered, it was obvious. Surveying the room this was _not_ the group of people Kaldur would have chosen to watch any child, let alone an infant. Debbie was standing by the stove, blue eyes wide with intimidation, occasionally rubbing her gills. The spell would wear off soon and she'd need to get home or suffocate. Lisa was the most confident, but when wasn't she?, digging through the bag and making a list of things she thought a baby Lian's age would need. But if Kaldur was being honest, Roy, even in a panicked state, probably knew better than her. Garth was practically a zombie and had been since Tula's birthday a few days ago. Even now he leaned against the counter and appeared to be a million miles away. La'gaan was probably who Kaldur would have chosen to watch Lian, had he not been doing everything in his power to avoid being seen by her. And Koryak, while soft with children, didn't have the patience for much. Kaldur let out a sigh. 

"Perhaps she'll sleep through the night and we won't have to worry much about her?" 

"It's only just now six Kal." Lisa reminded him. 

"I think we're all worrying too much." Koryak chimed back in, waving his large hand at Lian. 

"I think I'm going to call Bea." La'gaan said. Perhaps the first sensible thing anyone had actually done since Kaldur had arrived with her. 

Bea and Royal showed up about the time when Lian awoke from her nap and started fussing. Which Kaldur was thankful for as he struggled to keep a hold of the squirming baby. 

"Sweetheart that's not how you hold a baby." 

"She's fighting back!" Kaldur protested, firmly out of his comfort zone. He gratefully handed her over to the older woman. 

"She's bored." A smile wrinkled the corners of her eyes. 

"Oh! There's a toy in the bag!" Lisa practically dove on it in an attempt to be helpful. 

"Just one?" 

"Well I only saw one." The teething ring hung limply in her hand. 

Roy was in such a state. Maybe Kaldur should have offered to check the bag. But he was in a hurry and kept repeating basic care and asking Kaldur if he was sure. So in the end Kaldur just assured him everything was okay. And whatever mental health facility Roy had called was expecting him so it's not like they had time to sit and chat. 

"She can play with mine!" Royal proudly held up his, stained, beat up doll, a grin covering most of his small face. It earned a variety of chuckles or appreciative smiles from the adults around him. Except for Garth who wasn't engaged with the situation at all. 

"Thank you so much my sweet boy. But," Bea eyed the doll the way only someone who knew the horrors afflicted on it could. "Maybe we should find something a bit cleaner for the baby to play with." 

The doll _was_ dirty. Filthy even. Which Royal must have agreed with because he didn't argue with his mom. 

"I'll run to the store and get some stuff. It looks like the necessities are all here, except for a spoon for the food. So it'll just be little things." Lisa rose from her spot on the floor. 

"Get a basket to keep it in." Debbie suggested. 

"Yeah!" 

Lisa grabbed Garth's wrist dragging him back to reality. "Wha-"

"We're going shopping."

"I don't want to."

"I don't care." And with that both purple eyed Atlanteans were gone. 

The evening passed peacefully with Bea there to help. How she'd gotten so good at this with just one kid Kaldur couldn't begin to understand. But he also wasn't going to ask. Some people, he assumed, were just made to be parents. Like his parents, even David in his own way, or Bea, or hell even Roy. Not that Kaldur would have believed it even a year ago. 

Lisa and Garth returned a few hours later with a pop up crib and plenty of toys. Also board books, extra diapers (even though Roy had packed more than plenty), and a spoon for the baby food. La'gaan set to work putting the crib together in Kaldur's room. Debbie and Koryak were playing some made up game with Royal while Kaldur and Bea watched over Lian. They really were a good team when sorrows and regrets weren't weighing on them. It lasted until Bea and Royal had to return home. 

The Doctors had pretty well confirmed that Kaldur's headaches were born of stress. Which was definitely why it felt like someone was taking a hammer to the inside of his skull. 

"Why won't she stop crying?!" 

"Guys it's getting hard to breathe, I think I need to go home." 

"Then go!"

"Don't be mean about it!"

"He wasn't!" 

Kaldur was moments away from grinding his teeth to dust. Without thinking he slid back into a familiar, and unwanted position. "Enough!" His voice froze everyone in the kitchen, except for Lian who was still sobbing. "Perhaps it would be wise for everyone to head home." 

"I am home." It came out soft and unsure. Kaldur narrowed his eyes at the Inuk man. For the first time since they'd known each other, Koryak didn't argue further. 

Kaldur scooped up the crying girl from the floor and snatched her bag with his other hand. Bea had shown him the best way to hold her when she was struggling but thankfully Lian just grasped onto his light hoodie. Her tears soaked into the thin fabric breaking his heart. 

The quiet of his bedroom enveloped the duo, making her cries seem all the more desperate. 

"I know Little One. I miss him too." 

They stood in his doorway until her wails quieted just a little. The crib was more a glorified playpen, but it did its job. After a moment of consideration he placed his stuffed lobster in with Lian. 

His selection of music didn't seem to have anything that could sooth a small child. But maybe Tula's? Despite bringing the crate into his room he still hadn't the slightest idea about what was there. Lian continued to cry while he flipped through and eventually found an instrumental album. He hoped it was calming as he turned it on.

Kaldur wasn't sure about the baby but the music definitely softened his nerves some. Placing a hand on her round stomach he started humming along to the score. At last her crying came to an end. 

"I know it's scary. To be taken from your home and loved ones. But no harm will come to you here. And your father will come home soon." Lian's watery blue eyes looked at him like she understood. "You see, today was the anniversary of your grandfather's, biological grandfather's, death. He was a hero. A forest ranger. Today has always been hard on your father. But this might be the first time he's looked for help. Actually looked for it, not had it forced on him. I think you, Little One, have a lot to do with that." 

He ran a finger down the side of her face and watched her big eyes bat close. 

Gods.

She was perfect.

He was gonna fuck this up.

He was gonna fuck her up.

Every cruel thing Roy had tossed his way would prove true. 

Deserved. 

Because he was gonna mess up his daughter. 

A soft, almost nonexistent, knock on the door jostled him. Lian let out another whine but didn't start crying again. 

"Yes?" 

"I was leaving, but I thought you might need these." Lisa kept her voice low as she offered him the woven basket of stuff she bought. 

"Thank you." His voice was also a whisper now. 

"You got her to stop crying." 

"For now." 

"So optimistic."

"Aren't I always?" 

One last tight smile and she was gone. 

He didn't sleep at all that night. In fact he couldn't bring himself to do anything. Even when he tried to read, every few seconds he was up watching the sleeping girl. She only woke twice, once successfully putting herself back to sleep. But still he sat in his desk chair waiting. Ready when things inevitably took a horrid turn. 

Artemis found him at the break of dawn. She was limping from her mission and clearly as exhausted as he was. 

"Have you slept at all?"

"I could ask you the same thing." He responded. 

She sighed. Her shoulders folding in on herself. He desperately wanted to talk her into taking a nap. But rocks and glass houses. 

"Thank you again for watching her. Have you heard from Roy?" 

"I'm not sure he's allowed his phone." 

Artemis nodded as she collected her niece. A new raw panic rose in Kaldur's stomach. He did his best to push it aside. But even as he watched them go he felt his stomach twist in unwelcome ways. 

He heard from Roy a few days later. Actually it was a text, a picture. Of Roy, new stubble dotting his face, kissing Lian's head. 

Kaldur wasn't sure how to respond. So he didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Babies are sweet but comments are sweeter


	17. Chapter 17

"I heard you were injured." 

"I'm healing." The fresh scar on his chest was screaming from how tense his every muscle was. Logically he knew David wasn't going to try anything in a public cemetery. Certainly not at midday in a busy city. But he couldn't calm his anxiety. The sheer panic that came from being near his biological father. He kept his hands in his pockets both to keep prying eyes off his webbing, but also to hide the slight shaking. 

A low displeased noise, not quite a hum, not quite a grunt, came from David. His dark eyes didn't leave the headstone in front of them. 

"Why did you ask me here?" Kaldur's own eyes couldn't leave the side of David's head. 

"I'm surprised you came." Calloused hands reached into David's inside jacket pocket. Kaldur's nerves burned with anticipation, ready for any attack his father might send his way. Instead he pulled out two wallet sized pictures, yellowed and torn around the edges. "Despite what my former… _allies_ might think. You deserve to know where you came from." 

With some reluctance Kaldur took the images. The first was a man, with a gray beard and bald head. Dark skin to match David's and Kaldur's. And a smile that went to his deep brown eyes. The other was of the same man this time with a young boy, maybe 14 or 15. His large hand clasped proudly on his son's shoulder, the boy holding a decent sized fish. Both were grinning in a way Kaldur had never, would never probably, see on David's face. When he looked up to ask about the pictures Manta was gone. The well cared for headstone remained standing at his feet. 

Jesse Kane  
Fisherman and Father   
Taken to Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a baby chapter but even babys deserve comments


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to go back and make Raquel's ice cream vegan to keep this "cannon" lol

"Ice cream soothes the soul." Raquel smiled around her spoon. 

"Then why is my soul the way it is?" Kaldur smirked. 

"You don't want my answer." 

"Probably not." 

The seabreeze jostled her hair ever so slightly and pulled the blanket up at it's edges. This could have been peaceful. Maybe even perfect. But his heart was slamming against his ribcage desperate to escape. Nevermind his best efforts, his breathing was shallow. And no matter what he did he couldn't pull his mind off Garth's lifeless eyes. 

If the other man had eaten or spoken in the last few days it hadn't been in Kaldur's presence. And even Lisa was starting to reach the end of her rope with him. At least Kaldur would submit to her negging. Garth would, maybe even could, barely acknowledge her. 

Kaldur really had destroyed his friend. 

"So, you going to Erika and Dwayne's wedding?" 

He sighed. "I still have a few months to think it over." 

"I think you should." 

"Because I missed yours?" His eyebrow quirked up at her. It was a familiar expression. 

"Well yes, but also because they're your friends. Or Arthur's friends. And they want you there. And heaven forbid Kaldur'ahm, you might actually have fun." She pointed her vegan ice cream covered spoon at him accusingly. 

"No one has fun at weddings." 

An over dramatic gasp escaped her as she slapped a hand to her swimsuit clad chest. "People had _fun_ at my wedding." 

"If you say so." 

A playful punch landed against his arm. Under normal circumstances he would have been unfazed. But now his heart sped up and the little bit of air he was getting diverged towards his muscles, ready for a fight that wasn't going to come. Thankfully he was able to stop himself from catching her wrist like every instinct screamed to do. 

"Still not doing great are you?" 

"That obvious?" 

An arm wrapped around his bare shoulders and pulled him in close. He let it happen, but there wasn't a physical part of him that wasn't protesting. But Kaldur knew the only thing he really needed was _someone_. Except that didn't make any sense. He had plenty of people. Too many people it seemed sometimes. But this moment of physical contact, his body against Raquel's, it soothed him more than ice cream ever could. And the more he thought about it, it was the same feeling he got when Lisa had embraced him so many months ago, or when La'gaan rested his hand on his. Or any other contact from his friends. 

He was unbelievably touch starved. 

At this realization he pushed up against Raquel, let her arm tighten slightly. His head resting on her shoulder. 

When they finally untangled and made their way back up towards the Lighthouse for lunch, Kaldur was the calmest he'd been in ages. He was still fumbling at the small talk part of things, like when Raquel asked about Gerald the Plant, but at least some part of him was getting better. 

"La'gaan, he's not going to jump. Please calm yourself." Lisa's words were not at all what Kaldur was expecting walking into the kitchen. 

"You don't know that! He's been in bad shape and-" 

Lisa caught the scaly arm that La'gaan was waving around. "He's _fine_." 

"We both know that's a lie!" 

Kaldur loudly cleared his throat, getting the attention of his friends. "Context for those of us just now joining?" 

"Garth's up on the Gallery. La'gaan here is worried he's going to off himself." Lisa's disinterested tone didn't match her words at all. A red flag went up in Kaldur's brain but he'd have to check on her later. Right now it seemed that Garth could use a friend. 

"I'll go talk to him." 

Even Raquel's head shot up in surprise. She'd been halfheartedly petting Salty, worry sitting next to her eyes from Lisa's words, but now her whole face was covered in shock. 

"You will?" La'gaan blinked at him, expression unreadable. 

"I will." Kaldur said it with so much conviction that he was almost able to ignore the way he stomach churned like the ocean. He started towards the service steps before he could change his mind. 

The soft wind that had been welcome on the beach grew fierce at the Gallery. It snapped at Kaldur's swim trunks and pushed him back a step into the safety of the building. Garth seemed largely unfazed. His long black hair twisted and danced, covering his face. His clothes were spared because of how form fitting they were. The red traditional armor of a member of the court. He was looking out onto the beach, purple eyes glassy. 

Kaldur joined his former friend leaning against the banister. The sharp wind burned his eyes.

"La'gaan is worried you're going to jump." 

A strangled, humorless, noise that might have been a laugh escaped Garth's lips. 

"I was just checking." Kaldur, for some reason, felt the need to explain. Garth looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "You don't seem to be in a good place." Kaldur jumped when Garth tossed his head back and let out a louder, sicker, version of a laugh.

"Coming from _you_?" 

"Takes one to know one." 

Garth was staring into his soul now. Any calm Kaldur had gained from Raquel was gone. Replaced with the intense knowledge that he did this. Him. 

"I could have saved her." 

"What?" It was Kaldur's turn to make a strangled noise. Garth didn't elaborate so he decided to try and pry further. To understand. "She was dead when we got there Garth."

"We both know that doesn't matter." His voice was unnervingly flat. Black hair obscured his suddenly hard features. Purple eyes dark.

"Garth…" His heart picked up speed again. Pain emerged from its hiding spot in his head. "Garth it wouldn't have been her-"

"You don't know that." 

"It would have cost you your soul." 

"What good is my soul without Tula?" 

Nausea rolled over Kaldur. Tears built up behind his eyes. _He_ did this. To Garth. To his first best friend. Instead of being there to pull him off the ledge he pushed him further up. 

"Garth…" It's all he could manage to say. 

"I should have saved her." 

"No. No that wouldn't have been...she wouldn't have wanted that. Wouldn't want to see what it would do to you-"

"What worse could it have done to me Kaldur!" Kaldur stumbled back at his friend's sudden rise of voice. The words echoing off the Lighthouse and out into the world, eaten by the wind. 

"It could have turned you into your Uncle!" He yelled back hoping to break through. It was a mistake. Something dangerous flashed through Garth's eyes. His deep purple eyes. Marks of power. Of a curse. 

His friend snarled at him. "And your little mission didn't turn you into your father?" 

Kaldur didn't think, which proved to be a mistake as his fist landed against Garth's cheek. The uncomfortably pale man stumbled backwards catching himself on the banister. A bright red spot springing to life against his pale white skin. Kaldur felt Garth's fury before he saw it. Ice, literally, sliding through his veins. His legs gave out from under him, the pain worse than even the knife because it was Garth doing this to him. Garth. And he deserved it. So he didn't fight it. He'd let the ice shards slide into his heart. Besides he'd been dead inside for a long time. 

"Stop! What are you doing?!" Lisa's timing was impeccable. The ice melted inside him and Kaldur completely collapsed, his head bouncing off the old metal. 

The wind and ringing in his ears masked whatever Lisa was yelling at Garth. But the other Atlantean ignored her. Instead he walked over to Kaldur and sat down next to him. Tears stained his face but he didn't say anything. 

What could he say? 

Kaldur struggled to his knees. Lisa's panicked scolding background noise. "Better?" 

A chuckle that actually sounded like a chuckle left Garth. "Not at all." 

"You could have let me die in the hospital." He left off the 'you could have killed me just now.' 

"Even if I didn't love you I couldn't do that." The words rocked him and a piece of Kaldur wanted to go back to fighting. Back to what was easy. "Do you know what it's like to feel someone else's life, their _literal_ life, pulse around you? To feel it in every touch? Every look?" 

"No." 

"Of course you don't. Because your Uncle wasn't a necromancer. And you don't have a horrifying prophecy hanging over your head...I could feel you dying Kaldur and I couldn't do it again. I couldn't. " 

"My deepest sorrows." 

"I felt her die." It was soft, practically inaudible. And then they were both crying and holding each other like lifelines. Lisa slipped away to give them some privacy. The sun shining on her own tears. 

When they finally stumbled into the kitchen Lisa was chopping vegetables, pointedly not looking at Garth. Raquel and La'gaan seemed to be in the middle of a debate about something. All three froze when the two walked over the threshold, arms around the other's waist. 

The rest of the night Garth practically hung off Kaldur. It wasn't a comfortable situation, his anger and betrayal still obvious. But if one person knew how much it hurt to crave touch and be denied it, it was him. Garth also didn't speak anymore except to answer one question Lisa asked him. 

"Would anyone with purple eyes be able to feel someone's life? Feel it slip away?" 

"I suppose." 

Kaldur watched her nod, her own purple eyes looking far too intently at the steaks she was seasoning. 

The two men both slept in Kaldur's twin bed, another relic of the past. When he woke up Garth was gone, but the blanket he pulled from his room wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Comments.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun one to write and a fun one to just now go back and edit

Kaldur had no idea where he was. 

He was in a bedroom that much was certain. But it wasn't _his_. Pain that didn't line up with what he was used to sounded in his skull. Nausea not born of anxiety rolled through him. And then he remembered. Mostly. He was hungover. 

Fuck.

He fell back onto the unknown bed with a groan. Where _was_ he? 

His ocean green eyes scanned the tiny room looking for clues. Half packed, or perhaps unpacked?, boxes rested around the small space. A cardboard box labeled "library" held books with titles like "Twelve Steps and You" and "The Anger Workbook" and one that sent chills up Kaldur's spine just called "Cutting". Clothes that were oddly familiar to him were scattered about or in neat piles. A crib sat snuggly in the corner. The wobbly nightstands were empty except for a phone cord and a single picture frame. His twisting stomach dropped. 

Kaldur stumbled out of the double bed, acutely aware he was wearing pajama pants that weren't his and a tee shirt he thought he'd lost years ago. 

_Gods_.

He didn't. 

_They_ didn't. 

He burst from the room, causing the door to smack into the adjoining wall. Panic had seized any rational part of him. 

Roy blinked up from where he was picking up toys from the living room floor. "Morning." 

"We didn't." It was a horrible greeting. But Kaldur had to know he didn't make a mistake last night. Well clearly a mistake was made. Just hopefully not that. 

A frown took over Roy's increasingly hairy face. "What? No! Of course not! You were...not even at my worst! Absolutely not! No dude. I wouldn't. Not like that. Not until we fix things. If. If we fix things. And like. Sober...sober." The last sober was soft, more to himself than anything else. Knots untangled in Kaldur's chest. 

"It's not you I don't trust." Half true. Kaldur didn't trust himself. But there was a part of him that didn't trust Roy. But of course they hadn't had sex while Kaldur was drunk. That, Kaldur was certain now that sense had collided back, Roy wouldn't do. 

The red head nodded, a frown still wrinkling his brow. "You did try to kiss me. But again, it didn't happen." 

Kaldur blinked slowly. The memory of his lips on Roy's, not from last night but many many nights ago, erupted through his mind. Always so soft, unexpectedly soft, and bitter like too much coffee. "Do you have a chair?" He needed to sit down. This whole situation was crashing down on him and that admission, and the memory that came with it, didn't help. His legs wobbled dangerously, threatening to betray him at any moment. What did he do? What was he thinking? Aside from the obvious that he _wasn't_ thinking. 

"Of course!" Roy had the kitchen chair under Kaldur faster than expected. He'd grabbed it from where it was sitting against a wall behind a few empty boxes. "Kaldur, I, uh, think we should talk...about last night in particular." 

"I don't remember last night." 

That earned him a nod. "Been there. More than once. But...I do…remember..." 

Kaldur wanted to be anywhere but here. A stress headache was starting to war with his hangover headache. Roy's hand rested on his knee, and this time Kaldur didn't push it away. Mostly because he didn't have the energy. But also because it felt really nice. 

"We can wait. I'll order some food…" Roy's eyes ran down Kaldur's face. "Runny eggs and hashbrowns, with an almond joy latte?" _Gods_ he would remember. Kaldur just nodded. "Um. Your clothes are in the dryer? You were soaked when you got here, but like they're Surface clothes... so." He shrugged awkwardly. Kaldur really wanted to be anywhere else. Even Manta's sub seemed like a better option. Or the depths of the Trench. Anywhere. 

It took about an hour for the food to arrive. In that time Kaldur occupied himself by handing Lian the toys she was throwing out of her playpen. Roy was packing his spare belongings and neither spoke to the other, only to Lian. 

"The world doesn't revolve around you awéé' yázhí." Roy shook his head as Lian tossed another toy for Kaldur to hand back. Roy's voice was so soft it melted a part of Kaldur's heart. Where had this man been before? When _he_ needed him? He felt his jaw clench, old anger rising in his chest, but he tried to push it away for Lian's sake. 

"Foods here." Roy stood up, seemingly oblivious to Kaldur's stagnate anger. Or actively ignoring it. They ate in silence. The familiar meal tasted like battery acid. But at least it had a taste. When Roy sighed Kaldur knew they were getting ready to talk. Or as close as they could get. For a passing moment he considered stabbing himself in the eye with his plastic fork to get out of this. But technically he brought this on himself. 

"It's not like you to get drunk?" 

"You don't exactly know me anymore." The words cut Kaldur's mouth as much as they must have Roy who flinched. 

A heavy beat passed between them. Roy clearly choosing his words carefully. "I suppose...but...I would assume that hasn't changed. So…" 

"It was Garth's idea." 

"It's not like Garth to get drunk…" 

"Tula's dead." It came hot and sharp and watching Roy flinch back again was deeply satisfying. 

"Yeah...yeah. That fucked me up."

"You didn't act like it."

"I was trying to hurt you." His blue eyes fell in shame. The words hurt. Of course Kaldur knew that's what happened, Roy had told him before that's what happened. But to hear it in direct context? Out loud? From Roy's lips. Had he been less stubborn he would have doubled over. 

"Why?" He'd done everything he could. Why wasn't it enough? Why wasn't _he_ enough.

"Because _I_ was hurting. And...and I needed the people around me to hurt too." Tears glistened in Roy's eyes. "I thought hurting you would give me some power in my life…" He inhaled a shaky breath, Kaldur's own lungs lead in his chest. "What I did. What I said. Kaldur there's not enough sorrys in the world. But I'm getting better-" 

"I can see that." And he could. It was obvious. Getting help on the anniversary of his father's death. The library books. This apartment, and wherever he was moving to. This conversation. They all pointed to Roy doing what Kaldur couldn't; healing. 

"I'm not asking for your forgiveness. If you, at some point, decide to give it to me that's great. But you didn't deserve any of that."

Except he did. 

He _did_ deserve it.

Because if he didn't then why would he let it happen?

Why would he let people keep hurting him?

Maybe he didn't deserve it when Roy was tossing the pain his way, but now certainly. He shook his head slowly. The redhead frowned again and reached out to grab Kaldur's hand, his own breakfast threatening to tumble out onto the floor they were sitting on. 

"Kaldur. You. Didn't. Deserve. It." 

"I need to go." 

Roy pursed his lips but nodded. He fetched Kaldur's clothes from the stacked washer dryer next to the window in the living room. No wonder Roy wanted to move, that had to be annoying while trying to watch TV. Also it seemed upon further inspection it was a single bedroom apartment, not ideal for child raising. 

A small plastic figure smacked into the side of his head. Kaldur focused on the passing pain, because it was easier than thinking about this situation. 

"Lian!" Roy scolded but it only earned an eruption of giggles from the girl. He sighed and Kaldur saw just how tired Roy must be. 

Everyone he knew needed a fucken nap. 

"What did I do last night?" He barely heard himself, not sure he wanted to know. But his long ago love blinked at him. 

Roy stopped, Kaldur's clothes balled up in his arms. "Aside from try to kiss me?" 

"Yes." 

"You told me you hated yourself."

"Oh." 

"And you went on a rant about Artemis suggesting you see a therapist. You told me you weren't worth the effort." He sounded so damn _sad_. 

"Oh." 

"And that you broke Garth-"

"Okay! I get it." _Fuck_. This was a mess. An absolute mess. Did he really say those things? Well he had too, because Roy wouldn't know those things if he hadn't said them. 

Roy handed him the soft, warm, clothes. "I didn't get better until I sought out help." 

"What makes you think I can get better?" Some part of him desperately wanted to go back to having him as a confidant. And he didn't have the energy to fight that part of himself right now, not with his hangover boxing his anxiety. 

Roy reached for Kaldur's face before freezing. He pulled away driving a dagger through Kaldur's heart. "If anyone is strong enough to get better it's you." He laughed, getting Lian to jerk her head up from her playthings and sending toxic waves of nostalgia down Kaldur's spine. "I mean, if I can get better." He motioned vaguely around him. 

"I'm going to go now." 

"Be safe." 

"Yeah."

"I mean it." 

Kaldur nodded before going to change clothes in the shoebox of a bathroom. He left the borrowed clothes folded on the stained tub. Even the shirt that was once his. Because it belonged to a version of himself long since dead. The outfit that his former love washed wasn't much better. Skin tight jeans, a purple tank top, and a complimentary flannel over top. The kind of outfit he'd wear on a date, with the bottom three buttons, buttoned. An outfit he'd pick because of the way Roy's eyes would rake over his body. The way his hands would rake over his body later. Gods. If he was horny last night why not just crawl into bed with Koryak? It wouldn't have gone anywhere once the prince tasted alcohol on his breath but it'd be less embarrassing. Less painful. 

Roy stopped him one last time on the way out the door. 

"Kaldur."

"Yes?" 

"You deserve better." 

He didn't respond. 

Besides how many times had Roy just walked away? Fair was fair after all. 

His bedroom was a mess of empty liquor bottles. He'd have to clean them up later, but for now he was bone tired. Garth was passed out on the hardwood, the planks under him still wet from tears and maybe some drool. Kaldur just stepped over him and walked towards the desk. He'd toss a blanket over him in a minute. 

He pulled a piece of paper off his scrap pile and fished out Garth's old calligraphy brush. With a careful hand, and in English and Atlantean, Kaldur wrote out three words as legible as possible before posting the paper in the middle of his bulletin board.

"You deserve better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 20!

Lisa wasn't hard to find. Not because she was predictable, but because in their worst moments Atlanteans craved the ocean. Even one damned to the Surface like her. 

The pier wasn't crowded this early, just dotted with fishermen and one older couple. The early morning air was starting to chill which was comfort against his Atlantean skin, and no doubt her's. She didn't acknowledge him as he approached and leaned on the wooden banister. Water dripped in heavy drops off her ponytail leaving a dark trail down the back of her green shirt. The sides of her neck were bright red and swollen. She'd stayed in the water until she couldn't breathe. Maybe longer. 

Kaldur rubbed his own gills sympathetically. He wanted to go get a bag of ice from the bait shop to help get the swelling down, but his feet stayed rooted in place. 

"Why didn't you tell me your dad was sick?" 

The only response he got was Lisa's jaw tightening. Her swollen purple eyes watched shadows under the waves. Could she see, feel, something he couldn't? 

"Is...is that why you forgave me?" He didn't know why he asked. If he even wanted an answer. 

"The world doesn't revolve around you Kaldur." When Roy had said that to Lian it was teasing and light and nothing like Lisa's tone now. 

"My apologies."

His muscles screamed out to hug her. To hold her close to his chest until she was better. But he knew well that she probably wasn’t going to get better any time soon. And a part of her would always stay broken and jagged. 

"Do you want a hug?" 

A strange mix between a laugh and sob slipped through her lips before she stifled it with her hand. "Yeah." 

With most people on the Surface Kaldur had to be careful with how hard he hugged them. He didn't have to worry about Lisa. Her Atlantean physiology peak in all areas but one. The one that mattered. 

Her face was buried into his neck, warm tears landing on his gills. Her body shook under his grasp and he squeezed to add some comfort. 

It all made sense. The loss of her light when he got home. The constant doding on him and Salty and Koryak and Garth. And why she was so frustrated when Garth refused her help. 

Her question about feeling others' life.

About feeling it slip away. 

"You're holding a little tight Kal." 

"Sorry." 

She pulled away, pale face blotchy. He wiped the tears from her face, returning a favor from long ago. "Let's get some breakfast." Her smile was fake and hard. 

"We don't have too."

"Kaldur I'm hungry. You can join me or not." 

They walked to the diner with his arm thrown over her shoulders. Her hand held his with remarkable strength, limiting the blood flow. 

"Are you just trying to repay some debt?" She whispered.

"Neptune's beard Lisa." He stopped and turned her so he could look her in the eyes. "You're my friend. And even if you hadn't forgiven me. Weren't helping me. I'd want you to be okay." 

She nodded. He wondered if she didn't say anything because she would have started crying again. Kaldur didn’t ask and the rest of the walk was in a tense but somehow comfortable silence. Lisa managed to startle him, when they walked through the glass doors, with a lound a singular laugh. She pointed a thin finger at the decorative mirror at the entrance. 

“We look like a couple of lovers!”

“And why is that so funny?” 

She twisted her head around to look at him, the amused smile on her face a comfort. “Sweetheart I hate to be the one to tell you this, but unless you’ve figured something out and didn’t tell me, you’re a man.” 

That earned a laugh from him. It was a strangled and rusty sound, but it felt good. “I am in fact a man, but I’ll let you know if something changes.” She snickered at that and nuzzled her head against him. He felt when her thoughts turned dark again, her muscles tensing against his body. 

They sat themselves at a booth in the back corner. The freshly cleaned window overlooked the beach and if one were to press their ear against the glass they might have even heard the waves over the staticky 70s music. The table was nicked and scratched from years of use, and even had one couple’s initials carved into the acrylic. Kaldur’s brow creased when he examined the carving: “T+G”. There was a chance Tula hadn’t been the one to place that there, but a small one. He returned his attention to Lisa before he started picking at scabs.

Her eyes were on the waves, her head resting in a hand. 

“Who told you?” Again she didn’t look at him. 

“I was talking to Dwayne about his wedding and he mentioned that your father wouldn’t be there. I asked why.”

She nodded, still holding her head up. 

“If there is anything I can do-”

“There isn’t.” 

When the waiter came around they both ordered waters, but Kaldur requested two extra glasses of ice earning a look from Lisa. 

“For your gills.” He explained. 

“Oh.” Her fingers hung over the swollen skin for a beat. “Yeah they hurt like hell if I’m being honest.”

“It looks like it. How long did you stay under?”

“Too long.”

“Obviously.”

“Ask a dumb question.” 

“Get a dumb answer.” He finished quietly.

When the glasses arrived Lisa didn’t even wait for the waiter to leave before pushing them against her neck. Her face crumpled with relief. The waiter passed a look between Lisa and Kaldur before seemingly changing his mind and taking their order. Lisa ordered a triple stack of chocolate chip pancakes, while Kaldur opted for scrambled eggs and toast. Anything but runny eggs and hashbrowns. Then with one more uncertain look the server was off to put in the order. 

“Better?”

“ _Much_.” 

He decided to tread lightly, after all he was only familiar with being on the other side of this conversation anymore. “I am truly sorry about Dr. Morel.”

She scoffed, glasses still pressed to either side of her neck. “Yeah. Me too.”

“How long…” He trailed off trying to think of a better question.

“Does he have? I don’t know. Probably not long.” The edge to her voice was sharp enough to cut. 

“I was going to ask how long have you known. But…”

She set the glasses down too hard, the sound echoing out in the mostly empty diner. The waiter spun around from where he was rolling silverware. “I can’t do this Kaldur.”

“Do what?” He knew the answer but didn’t know what else to say.

“I just lost Tula. Just got you back. I can’t-” She interrupted herself with a new sob. Loud and gut wrenching. His own grief flooded him. He was out of his seat and holding her before he could drown. Her long nails dug into his skin but he didn't care. Any physical pain couldn't live up to grief. He pushed his lips into her hair in a soft kiss. Then he pulled her completely into his lap to get more comfortable. 

The entire time the waiter stood awkwardly a few feet away at his stand. Once her sobs quieted, but not subsided, he waved the man over. 

"Is it too late to get that food to go?" 

"Uh...yeah. No. I mean...Yeah! Let me go tell the kitchen they need to pack it up." 

"Thank you." 

For a moment it seemed he would have to carry her and the food out of the restaurant, which he was ready to do. But once the food was paid for she pulled away. Her face was overwhelmed with red splotches and moisture. He took a fistful of disposable napkins and started wiping her face. Her laugh yet again startled him. 

"Aren't I supposed to be cleaning you up?" 

"Nothing wrong with a little role reversal." 

"Kinky." She smirked up at him, pain resting behind her eyes. 

When they got back to the Lighthouse they ate sitting on Kaldur's floor because Garth had fallen asleep at the kitchen table. 

"He's really fucked up Kal."

"We all are." Some more than others.

"We're letting each other help though." She sniffed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. Tears had been falling steadily since her breakdown. 

"I'm _letting my friends help me-_ " La'gaan had told him. At the time Kaldur had brushed it off as an underhanded insult. But now he thought he understood. 

"Garth will come around." 

"I can't lose anyone else Kaldur. And maybe that's selfish-"

"I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes." Gods he was a hypocrite. 

She nodded, water resting in her eyes. Lisa was shoveling her pancakes in her mouth at a speed that made Kaldur's stomach churn. Though, he was already feeling queasy from all the emotion and stress this morning had brought. Suddenly her fork froze on its way to her mouth. 

"Is everything okay?"

"Hush." She pushed her plastic container aside and crawled towards him and then under his bed. 

Gods. She's completely lost it. 

He bit his lip to keep from saying something stupid, or that would get him maimed. 

Lisa emerged holding an empty liquor bottle and her eyebrows raised. He flinched. It had only been a few days since he got drunk with Garth but he'd pushed it so far to the back of his mind it felt ages away. 

"It's a long story." It wasn't. 

"I'm sure." 

He assumed when she walked out of the room with the bottle it was to throw it away. But it was taking her way to long for that. But still he sat on his floor and gave her any space she may need. When Lisa returned with an arm load of colored paper, scissors, and the bottle (now smelling like dish soap) he officially considered himself confused. 

"Are we doing arts and crafts?" 

"I'm making paper stars, I don't know what you're doing." 

"Show me how?" 

Her swollen eyes looked at him for an uncomfortable amount of time before she nodded. Kaldur wasn't sure how long it took to fill the bottle, but he was impressed with how quickly he got down folding them. Even if his first dozen were more crumpled paper than stars. Once it was full, Lisa's face had returned to its natural pale color and her eyes had returned to being bright and soft. But she'd torn down one of the walls she'd built up between them, and there was no going back now.

Lisa sat the bottle on his desk, a small smile pulling on her lips. 

"Hey Kaldur?" 

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments perhaps?


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This probably feels like filler but it's important in certain ways lol

Even on land Kaldur didn't remember sit ups being this difficult. His teeth gritted as he pulled himself up, his fresh scar screaming out in protest with each movement. The hard wooden floor met his back, sending tendrils of pain from his spine outward. At least he didn't bounce his head off the floor, he was still recovering from his fight with Garth and didn't want to double down on the likelihood of a concussion. 

"Do you need me to start over?" La'gaan asked. He was sitting cross legged on Kaldur's bed, "Sugar and Vice" held open in one clawed hand. 

"No. I'm listening. We just got to the skeleton." 

The teenager cleared his throat as dramatically as possible, only to get interrupted by a knock on the bedroom door. Artemis didn't wait for a response to push it open. Even after months of use the hinges still whined. She was trailed by M'gann and an unknown woman. An anxious pit immediately began developing in Kaldur's stomach. This ought to be good. 

"I have to go." The words spilled from La'gaan's mouth, each one slamming into the other and then he was gone. Kaldur blinked at the door, suddenly very overwhelmed and with a new layer of confusion added on. Could he also flee? Leave the women to take over his room until they got bored? 

M'gann's face warped for a split second into an expression Kaldur was familiar with. Guilt. Only it wasn't pointed at him, or the redheaded stranger poking through his closet. It followed La'gaan out the door. He knew he'd missed a lot while he was away, but how much exactly? 

"One of you. Start talking." His fingers found the bridge of his nose and pressed tight in an attempt to banish the emerging headache. He rose from the floor in an attempt to be on a level playing field with the women. 

"Don't be mad." Artemis started. Which was always the way he wanted her explanations to go. "This is Cheyenne," Dark bags hung under Artemis' eyes. At least she seemed healthy, albeit tired. 

"Heyo." Cheyenne gave a half hearted wave. 

"And we go to school together." 

"Pleasure to meet you Cheyenne. Why are you in my bedroom?" 

She laughed at him, surprised. "You didn't tell him?" She pointed a manicured finger at his chest. Immediately he was annoyed with her. Which was probably unfair, he didn't even know her. But whatever Artemis had up her sleeve had to be something he didn't want a part of. Otherwise she'd have at least texted first. 

"So," Artemis dragged the word out far too long, her eyebrows raising over bagged eyes. "Cheyenne here is a business and fashion major. So I thought-" 

"I'm seriously beginning to doubt that." He interrupted. Cheyenne snorted and M'gann stifled a laugh. But Artemis just kept talking. 

"Since Megan told me about the wedding you were invited to." He couldn't stop the glare he tossed her way. Earning himself his own guilty look. "I figured you didn't have anything nice and Surfacey to wear so," She waved her tan arms at Cheyenne who flashed a peace sign and shifty uncomfortably. 

"I'm sorry Kaldur. I kinda got dragged along." M'gann smiled sheepishly. 

"I am not doing this." He shook his head. There wasn't a bone in his body that wanted to be used by a wannabe fashion designer. Certainly not while he was trying to recover and when a headache had reared up. And he still didn't even know if he was going to the wedding. There were still lingering doubts that he would drag down the event with his general presence. 

"Well that sucks for me." Red lips pulled into a smirk but there was a harshness in her eyes. Discomfort in her posture. How'd Artemis get this girl to agree to this? 

"Why is that?" 

"I have a final coming up and I brushed that off to do this. I just assumed a well tailored suit would get me a passing grade."

"It's not too late for you to take someone else's measurements. I'm sure Koryak or Lisa would love a beautiful woman putting her hands on them." 

A red eyebrow shot up to her hairline. "Honey, has anyone ever taken your measurements before? I'm not copping a feel. But also thank you." 

"Kaldur." Artemis sighed his name like _he_ was the frustrating one in this scenario.

"I don't think it could hurt to have a suit made, even if you don't go to the wedding." M'gann stepped in. "Could be useful at _work_." They weren't going to leave until he agreed, he had enough experience with the two to know that much. 

He sighed through gritted teeth. "Fine." 

"Cool. You two get out." Cheyenne waved his friends away, jumping on the opportunity before he backpedaled, and he immediately regretted this. "You aren't thrilled about this, I get it. If I had friends and they blindsided me like this I wouldn't have friends after." She dropped her patch and button covered messenger bag on the ground and then followed after. "But I really do have a final I need to start on." 

She reminded him of a coiled snake sitting at his feet. But she didn't want to be here anymore than he wanted her to be, that much was clear to him. Brown eyes looked up at him inquisitively. A sketch book was resting on her lap. 

"So what do I do?" 

She started digging through her bag for colored pencils and a pen. "Well standing there like a man about to die at the hands of a firing squad isn't it. Let's just talk for a bit." 

"I'd rather not." 

"Same." She flashed a grin and it was definitely insincere. "But this will be easier if I know a little about you." 

"Why? I've seen Surface fashion. The men don't exactly wear more than a black suit." 

"Exactly! And it's _awful_! Wait," Curiosity danced across her face. ""Surface fashion"? You're Atlantean?" 

"Just now picking up on that?" It was his turn to raise an eyebrow. 

"I'll be honest. I wasn't listening. But, that's cool. What's your favorite part of Atlantean fashion?" She flipped the sketchbook to a blank page and this time when she looked up at him, it seemed she actually cared. 

"I don't have one." He admitted. Honestly Kaldur had never considered fashion Atlantean or otherwise. Sure when he came to the Surface the differences were obvious. Paradoxically more lose fitting and less flowy. The fabric was softer, and there was less reason to wear armors or hard fabrics. The jewelry was similar but worn, typically, in less excess. Colors were more vibrant above, but still mostly dull colors were worn.

"Okay. Well, how about this. When I said Atlantean fashion what was the first thing that came to mind?" 

"Debbie." He answered before thinking, and immediately wished he hadn't.

"A girlfriend?" 

"Absolutely not." Had he known this girl he might have laughed. Despite his infatuation with Tula he'd never had those same feelings for her half sister. And even though she'd flirt with anyone with a consciousness he didn't think she had those feelings for him either. 

"You aren't making this easy on me fella." 

"My apologies." 

"That sounds about as sincere as when I have to tell men my phone is broken." 

He smirked down at her. "Does that work?" 

"What do you think?" There was a hardness to her voice. Her lips pressed into a thin line. At last he took her in, in full. Her jeans were tight and white washed, a sleeveless crop top wrapped around her breasts, and tying the outfit together was an oversized denim jacket covered with patches and buttons to match her bag. She _looked_ like a fashion designer somehow. Which didn't make much sense because the outfit seemed particularly normal to him. 

"My friend Lisa usually just starts screaming "I said no" until everyone in the club is looking at the jerk." He shrugged like this wasn't verging on a very uncomfortable conversation. 

"I usually just punch them." 

"That works too."

That earned him a snicker. "Do you have a favorite color?" He was very thankful she pulled the conversation back around.

"Never thought about it." He was starting to feel a little guilty. 

"Oh my _god_!" Her sketchbook smacked the floor making his muscles tense and adrenaline rush to his chest. She took a deep breath. "Okay. Let's start small. Do you even like Surface clothes?" 

"I do actually. They're not as stiff and it's cheaper to have something that's actually soft. Sweatshirts are a particular comfort." 

"That's something at least, but I refuse to let anyone go to a wedding in sweats." The end of her pencil found its way to her mouth. "You must like eels?" 

"Huh? Oh! Well, I do but I specialize in electrical magic. These aren't tattoos." He tacked on the last part awkwardly. 

Something flashed across her face. Hope? Fear? Excitement? All of the above? "Okay cool. Let's just run with the eel thing. Unless there's another animal you want to start with. We may end up working away from that but it's a place to start." 

He didn't know why he said what he said next, but the words slipped through his lips before he'd even considered them. "What about rays?" 

"I like it!" Cheyenne's eyes lit up. "How do you feel about a half cape?" 

An hour later she'd created several rather impressive sketches. Kaldur wasn't sure he'd actually wear any of them, but in his opinion she deserved more than a passing grade. Granted she hadn't actually _made_ anything yet so maybe he didn't know anything. 

"You know Clancy? No wait. She's your doc, nevermind." Cheyenne was packing her bag back up and had been looking over his ever filling board. She'd tacked up some of her designs for him after taking pictures. 

"She's not actually. I haven't met her yet either. Don't know if I will." 

"Oh. Well she fixes brains just as well as she fixes sinks so you'd be in good hands." 

"Thanks?" 

She shrugged and glided out of his room. He followed on her heels and found M'gann and Artemis sitting at the kitchen table. They were drinking coffee and chatting about something pointless. It was odd how comfortable they both were in his home. What was even odder was that he considered the Lighthouse home now. 

"We have a good start, I'll mail him some fabric samples once I narrow down a design." Cheyenne snatched up Artemis' mug and took a long slow sip, making full eye contact with the other woman the whole time. A flush ran over Artemis' cheeks. Her eyes darted back to the table not in embarrassment, but shame. 

Oh.

M'gann must have realized at the same time he did because shock flooded her face. She managed to rearrange her expression by the time Cheyenne had finished. 

"Thank you again Chey." Artemis started. "Now all I have to do is convince him to go to the wedding." 

"Artemis don't you have something better to do with your time?" Kaldur sighed. 

The smirk that crossed Cheyenne's face confirmed his suspicions. "Not really." The smirk faltered just a little at Artemis' confession. 

"Well as much as I appreciate your visit-" 

"We're leaving." M'gann smiled at him but her eyes landed on the door to the cellar for a half a second. 

Kaldur practically shooed them out once they were out of their seats. He only let himself enjoy the silence for a moment before making his way down the cellar steps. 

La'gaan was hammering something with far too much force. A part of Kaldur suspected that he was just hammering for the sake of hitting something. His fins were down, matching his furrowed brow. The way his jaw was set made Kaldur worry about the boy cracking a tooth. 

"Want to talk about it?" 

"No." 

"Want me to go get our book?" 

La'gaan froze mid-swing, the hammer hanging limply in the air. "Yes." 

A week later, well after Kaldur hoped Cheyenne had forgotten about him, he received a package in the mail with three fabric swatches. Each was remarkably soft. He immediately disregarded the pink one, feeling it was too flashy for a wedding. But the deep purple one and the navy one he could almost see himself wearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *holds out basket* comments?


	22. Chapter 22

"Wait, is this about Roy?" 

"Does it matter?" 

Koryak gave a little laugh. "A little yeah." 

Kaldur rolled his eyes and tangled his hand in Koryak's hair. This was supposed to be the part where the Prince leaned back down into the kiss. Except he didn't. His brown, almost black in the dark, hard, eyes looked through Kaldur. 

"I'm not some rebound boy."

"Of course not." The older man still didn't move. 

"Kaldur." 

"Yes?" He swung his leg around Koryak's waist and flipped them so that he was on top, hoping the adrenaline would turn the tide back towards him. He ignored the pain from the fresh cuts and bruises dotting his body. 

"Cute. But I'm not doing this if it's about your ex." Kaldur couldn't help but sigh, his head hanging and the warm air brushing Koryak's eyelashes making him blink rapidly. He could lie, but he never would, not when sex was involved. Beside the Prince had already made up his mind. 

"Even if I just want to get my ex off my mind for a few minutes?"

"A few minutes?! I'm insulted." He responded with a smug, toothy, grin. 

"You could prove me wrong." 

"I could." His long ago burned hand grabbed Kaldur's upper thigh with a squeeze. "But I need to go yell at my dad." His grip tightened and he pulled the former General off of him. Kaldur let it happen, his arms spreading out to take over most of Koryak's queen bed. 

"Arguing with your father is more entertaining?"

"No. More responsible." He pulled his long hair from the neck of the shirt he just put on. Shiny black stands cascaded down his back. "I don't know what happened between you two, and I'm not going to ask, so I'm also not going to give any long term advice. But for tonight, I think a cold shower and a long walk would do you some good." 

Kaldur didn't bother responding as the other man walked out of the room with a threat of violence if he messed with anything. Instead the night's events slammed him, and with nothing, with no one, to hold onto to push them away, he replayed them. 

Being thrown back into "the life" before he was 100% ready. Fighting literal demons. Teaming up Roy who was also thrust back in…

The shot of adrenaline from the memory let him jump off the bed. Maybe a cold shower _would_ do him some good.

It didn't.

In fact being trapped with his thoughts in a small space was the opposite of what he needed. 

_"Okay we_ seriously _need to talk._ Roy's wide eyes had blinked at him from under his mask. 

Why was he such an idiot?

The rough towel scratched against his skin giving him something else to focus on. Even after he was dry he kept rubbing until his skin was raw, particularly the sensitive skin in between his fingers and on his gills. At last he was able to drop the towel when it became too much. Drops of blood springing to the surface of his neck. Fuck. 

He pulled on clothes as quickly as possible to escape the tiled room. Salty met him at the door, but he didn't have the patience to attach himself to an animal right now. 

"Later. I promise." He called over his shoulder. The hard porch transitioned into sand too quickly and he almost collided with the ground. Why was he like this? He shouldn't have answered the phone. He'd been watching the news. He knew what was on the other line. Could feel the dark magic pulsing through the air. He did this to himself. 

"You okay kid?" Dwayne shouted at him, causing fresh panic to burn through him. Of all the nights for him to be walking the beach. He made his way over to Kaldur, a bucket with sparse seaweed in his dark hand. 

"I'm fine." 

"Liar." 

Kaldur flinched. Usually when people called him out it wasn't so blunt. The kind smile, and worried crease, between Dwayne's eyes softened some part Kaldur's tight heart. "I kissed my ex." He admitted, the words falling out before he could clam up and pretend nothing had happened. He was already trying to push the memory down. 

"Oh! Oh...well." Brown eyes awkwardly darted around the beach before at last landing on Kaldur. "I'm sure it'll be okay." He gave an awkward shrug. 

"He wants to talk." 

"Huh. Got to say that's not territory I'm familiar with. Don't really have a lot of exes if I'm being honest. Do you want to talk to him?"

"I feel like I should." 

Dwayne nodded, the moonlight shining off his bald head. "But do you want to?" 

"No." 

"Well. Okay then." 

"It's not that simple!" Wasn't Dwayne supposed to be an adult? Well technically Kaldur was an adult now too, but Dwayne had at least 10 years on him. He should _know_...he should know whatever it was Kaldur didn't. 

"Kaldur. Nothing is simple. My fiance is at an AA meeting, I'm hunting for seaweed out of season, you're from Atlantis. The world is hard and complicated. Sometimes you have to focus on something that is simple. Like, how you don't want to talk to your ex."

"That doesn't make me feel better." 

"Alright. Tell me about it." 

"I don't want to do that either." He confessed. Kaldur didn't want to think about anything that transpired. Particularly how he fell so easily back into tandem with Roy. The comfort and ease of it all. Like riding a bike. And then he ruined it. Pumped full of adrenaline and pain and confusion and anything and everything else he made a mistake. And this time he was sober with no excuses. 

Dwayne nodded again. "Okay. Want to just walk?" 

"That...sounds alright." 

They didn't talk much, or at all really, after that. Kaldur was tempted to offer to fetch some seaweed from the ocean but he decided Dwayne was out here because he enjoyed the hunt. 

Something hard but obviously fragile pressed into Kaldur's barefoot. He pulled away, suddenly jumping back. It was the shedded exoskeleton of a crab. Some small animal had grown and left behind their entire world. Kaldur suddenly realized he could never do that. Ever. His sea smoothed fingers scooped up the forgotten past. 

"Do you think crabs remember their old shells?" 

"If they can. Probably. Don't see why not." 

His thumb ran over the smooth yet bumpy Surface. 

"But," Dwayne started again. "They still left it behind because it got too small."

"Should I leave Roy behind?" If anyone could answer that it was the man getting ready for his wedding. Right? 

"That depends. Is he the same man he was when you broke up?" 

"Not completely. I guess, no more than I am." 

"Well. Then I guess it's up to you. If you're both bigger than you were, maybe it'll work this time." 

"Or maybe it'll hurt just as much. Worse."

"But you've grown Kaldur. So even if it hurts, you know what to do differently. What flags to look for."

"I don't think I can handle another break up from him." How many times had Roy ended it? Claiming it was for Kaldur's own good only to crawl back a few months later to shatter him again. And Kaldur let him. 

Dwayne's hand landed on Kaldur's shoulder with a little squeeze. "The good news is, it's your choice what you do." 

Tears slid down his cheeks and landed at his feet. He shouldn't have answered the phone. He should have left when he saw Roy. 

Should have.

Should have. 

Should have. 

His throat closed, his jaw tight. Damnit. Wasn't he getting better? Why couldn't he get better? 

"You okay?" 

Kaldur shook his head because he couldn't force the word out. Couldn't force any words out. He was trapped in his own head. No machines kept him there. No fresh puncture wound tore his lungs. But the effect was the same.

"Let's sit." 

He shook his head again. Honestly he wasn't trying to be difficult. But if he sat down on the beach he wouldn't get back up. He'd suffocate. His death would be ironic. An Atlantean dead from suffocation only inches from the sea. More tears ran from his eyes. The bastards. Why should they get to escape his head? Why were they so lucky? 

Dwayne twisted them so that they were facing the Lighthouse. It was a few miles away. He'd never make it. Still he let Dwayne lead him. At least he'd die with someone's arm wrapped around his shoulder. He wouldn't be alone. 

Kaldur tried to focus on the sand between his toes. Or the wind twisting the tight curls on his head. He'd need to shave again soon. So then he tried to focus on _that_. He decided to do that when he got back. Assuming he got back. Focusing on it seemed to help. Imagining the way the clippers would feel against his head, and the way the small hairs would tickle his neck, kept the memories at bay. 

Soon the planks of wood from the back porch met his feet. Salty's whines from being left out of the fun came from the otherside of the door. Kaldur let his legs collapse. He didn't think he was going to die anymore, but if by some chance he did at least Koryak or Lisa wouldn't have to go hunting for his body. 

"You know kid, Erika got a lot better when she started going to group." It was an awkward sentence the way it left Dwayne. Like he couldn't decide if he wanted to actually say that or not.

"Yeah. A group for traumatized superheroes." Why'd he say that? He wasn't traumatized…

"Well. Maybe some help wouldn't hurt." 

"Maybe." 

"I need to go pick her up. Are you going to be okay? Do you need me to call someone?" 

"I'll be fine." 

"Are you sure because-"

"Dwayne," Kaldur forced a smile. "It's alright. I promise." 

He still didn't seem sure, but thankfully for Kaldur he was on a time restraint. "If you're sure. I'll call tomorrow to check on you." 

Well now Kaldur _couldn't_ suffocate. It would just be inconvenient. 

"I'll talk to you tomorrow then." Kaldur struggled to his feet. His legs wobbled but somehow he managed to hide it. 

"Yeah. I'll see you." 

Kaldur turned before he could watch Dwyane walk away. 

When he made it to his bedroom he set the crab shell next to the lamp with the chip in it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love comments in this house


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for blood. Like. Lots of blood

Debbie hopped up onto the counter next to Kaldur. She'd shaved the sides of her blue head since last he saw her, but left the strip down the middle long so that it brushed the middle of her back. Her grin was disconcerting, and would have been even if she didn't have uncomfortably long and pointed canine teeth. 

"You look positively miserable." 

"Don't I always?" _Wasn't_ he always, anymore? 

"Fair point. Maybe this'll perk you up a little." She reached into the bag thrown across her chest. It was the same bag she'd take on treasure hunts when they were kids. The same one Tula had once filled with spiky sea urchins. Debbie had thrown the poor animals at her sister in a rage, but Tula was too busy laughing to care. They both ended up in the hospital from the toxins, but they both claimed to have no regrets. In present day Debbie pulled out a keychain and handed it to Kaldur. 

He blinked at it a few times before it clicked. It was him. Or a chibi version of him, in his Aqualad gear.

"I got it in Japan when I was visiting my mom." She pointed a blue finger at Miya across the room, chatting with Bea by the window. 

"Thank you." He couldn't decide if he wanted to attach it to his keys or hide it in his bedside drawer. 

"What are friends for?" She grinned down at him and he couldn't believe what he heard. 

"We're still friends?" 

For half a second her smile faltered. Even when she'd visited the Lighthouse they hadn't had very much contact. Most of the visits were for Koryak or to drag Garth back to the palace for some political reason or another. "Kal, if I disowned my friends every time they did something remarkably, and I do mean truly remarkably, stupid. I'd have no friends left." 

He nodded slowly. That couldn't be true. Sure they'd all, including Debbie, done ridiculous things for a variety of reasons, but his sins towered above them all. 

"You don't seem convinced?" Her hand found his freshly shaved head. When they were in school he hated when she'd rub his head. Found it truly infuriating and patronizing. But now? It was kinda nice. 

"I… I'm handling a lot right now." 

"Need to get some air? We can head up to the Gallery for old times sake. Drop things off and see how long it takes to hit the ground." 

He snickered at the memory. King Orin had been less than thrilled to find a pile of stuff at the base of the Lighthouse, most of it broken. "I'm fine. Besides I'd hate to be rude." It wasn't often everyone's schedules lined up for a potluck and he didn't want to face Mera and Dwayne's wrath if he slipped out. 

Not that they'd necessarily notice. The kitchen and living room were packed with people, Atlantean and Surface Dwellers alike. Orin and Mera stood by the stove talking to Erika and Dwayne. Mera's hand resting on her round stomach. La'gaan and Sheeva were sitting at the kitchen table, definitely scheming. Blubber was video calling in, adding his 2 cents to their plots. Sark and Joanna were seemingly moments away from jumping each other's bones by the fridge. Which was not at all uncomfortable for anyone around them. Outside AJ and Royal wrestled in the sand, watched closely by Koryak, who took big brother duty surprisingly seriously. Sha'lain'a was also sitting out on the porch, enjoying the cool fall air and a glass of lemonade. And there were more people, all talking and laughing and unlike Kaldur, enjoying themselves. The only ones missing were Dr. Morel, because he was in the hospital, and Lisa and Garth. Which didn't sit well with Kaldur. 

"Wanna take bets on who makes the first move, Captain Sark or Lieutenant Stubbs?" Debbie leaned forward and nodded at the two. 

"It would be a waste of money. Obviously it will be Joanna." 

"No way! Sark may be shy, but he knows what he wants." 

"Knowing what he wants doesn't mean he'll act on it." 

Debbie rolled her eyes at him. He couldn't decide if that meant he won or if she thought he was too dumb to keep debating. Perhaps Sark had changed in Kaldur's time away. But considering he still hadn't asked the Lieutenant out, maybe not. 

The hardwood hummed under his feet. The Zeta tube in the cellar was booting up. The tension that lived in Kaldur's chest stepped back a little. If Garth was using the Zeta, Lisa was probably with him. The other man still hadn't quite gotten down teleporting with other people, and almost never risked it. 

"What are those?" Debbie pointed at the counter covered in food. 

"I need you to be more specific." 

"The, like, white and yellow things?" 

"The deviled eggs?"

"If I knew I wouldn't have asked-" 

The cellar door slammed open, smashing against the wall and silencing the room. The air was suddenly hot and heavy. Overwhelming. The magic prickled against Kaldur's skin and pushed against his lungs. Debbie gasped against the cotton air, her hand grasping at her neck. 

But it wasn't the magic that froze Kaldur's heart and caused tears to spring to his eyes. 

Garth was carrying Lisa bridal style, her limbs limp even as he rushed to get her on the table. She'd always been pale, Garth too, which led Kaldur to believe it was a side effect of the purple eyes, but now she was paper white. Her veins contrasted grossly against her skin, not deep blues and purples. But black and pulsing. Bright red blood poured from her closed eyes, nose, and the tissue thin skin over her already damaged gills. Sickly purple bruises hung under her eyes. 

Her chest wasn't rising. 

La'gaan wasted no time climbing on the table, his hands hovering over her neck. To an average Surface Dweller it'd be a scene from a horror movie. The "sea monster" hanging over the beautiful blonde. But his hands didn't touch her, just hovered. And his magic, bubbly and warm, tried desperately to break through hers. The soft glow of his icons dulled by the evening sun. 

Her chest rose at last, shaky and uneven, but it rose. A relieved sob almost slipped from Kaldur's lips but he was able to keep it trapped in. 

Whatever La'gaan was doing wasn't enough. Lisa's magic poured off her heavy and raw and untrained. It was fighting La'gaan's and definitely winning. His fins laid flat against his head and creases formed next to his eyes. Kaldur barely heard the painfilled "Neptune's beard!" from the teenager. 

"Help her." Kaldur croaked out, turning to look at Garth. The other man looked as shell shocked as Kaldur felt. Eyes wide and limbs trembling. 

"I. I tried."

"Try _harder_!" Debbie yelled, causing Kaldur to flinch. 

"You saved me." Kaldur could still feel Garth's magic in his blood. 

"That was different!" Garth yelled. No one said anything for a beat. It was getting hotter and hotter in the room. Doctors Thnita and Diade had rushed in from the living room but nothing they were doing was helping either. Sweat emerged in fat drops on Kaldur's forehead. 

"Garth!" Debbie yelled again. 

Koryak's hands grabbed Garth's collar. When had he come inside? AJ and Royal tried to peer in but Sha'lain'a was successfully blocking their view. 

"Listen here, if she dies. So do you!" 

"Then just kill me because I don't know what to do!" Tears ran down his face. Kaldur walked away from the counter, he hadn't noticed that Debbie had her nails dug into his arm and now scratches sprung up on his skin, blood pricking up. He pushed Koryak away from Garth.

"Garth. Please. No one else here can contain, whatever this is." He motioned towards Lisa. How much more blood could she lose? Gods she was so pale. Her breathing so jagged. There was no wound for Mera to return her blood to her body. No injury for the doctors to stitch back together. 

"What if I make it worse?"

"How can _this_ get worse?!" Koryak yelled. Garth swallowed and then nodded. He still didn't seem completely convinced. 

La'gaan climbed down and immediately collapsed into Sheeva's lap. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, her wheelchair whining at the added weight. If he could sweat he'd be covered. His breathing was rough. Mera dropped down next to him and held a fistful of water against his neck. It was too hot. Even the non Atlanteans in the room were starting to look wilted. 

Garth's icy magic hadn't even made a dent against Lisa's sweltering magic. His jaw was clenched tightly and he climbed up on the table where La'gaan had previously been. Kaldur watched helplessly as Garth rested a hand directly on Lisa's chest. He flinched like it burned. It probably did. Garth's brow furrowed. Kaldur's breathing was as shallow as his, but still Lisa was winning on that front. The light blue shine of his icons darkened into a warm grey. 

At last the air by the table took an icy turn. The black veins in Lisa's face started to retreat, but blood slipped from Garth's nose and right eye. Kaldur desperately wanted to help but there was nothing he could do. He was of Shayeris blood, shouldn't he be able to help? Shouldn't his magic have more of an effect on Lisa's then La'gaan's or the Doctors'? But he hadn't even finished his schooling…

A noise, not quite a grunt or a sob but definitely coated in pain, slipped from Garth's lips. His ear was bleeding now too. Why was everyone bleeding? Dark grey twisted to black, magic slid from his eye searing his skin, the smell making Kaldur's sensitive stomach twist even worse than it was. He wanted to yell out for him to stop, but then they'd lose Lisa. But what if this took them both?

The heavy heat was at last banished. Replaced by a bone chilling cold. 

Garth slipped from the table, Kaldur managed to catch his unconscious body before it collided with the floor. 

Lisa took a deep breath, allowing everyone in the room to do the same. Until she rolled over and vomited up blood. She also started to slip off the table but Koryak was there to catch her and lay her back down. Her blood staining his grey shirt. 

"Is she okay?" If Kaldur hadn't been holding Garth he wouldn't have heard the question.

"I think so." Kaldur had no idea. Carefully he laid Garth down on the floor.

He needed to do _something_. Why wasn't anyone doing anything? No that wasn't true. Staying out of the Doctors' way was doing something. There wasn't a person in this room that didn't want to cradle them and make sure everything was okay. 

Debbie dropped down behind Garth and pulled his head into her lap. Had Tula lived, would they be in-laws by now? She tried to wipe the blood from his face but it had started to cake on. He yelped out when her fingers brushed over his eye. Blood had also stained Lisa's pale face and throat. Why didn't Diade or Thnita clean them up? Wait, when had Thnita moved to Garth? Kneeling next to him and checking his vitals. 

Kaldur made his way across the crowded kitchen and fetched two clean rags from the drawer by the sink. He knew he was earning strange looks from the others in the room. But nothing really mattered. All he could bring himself to care about was cleaning his friends faces. He didn't care what had put them in this situation. Didn't care about the amount of blood Lisa had lost. About the damage Garth had just done to himself. Certainly didn't care about why Lisa had tapped into her untamed magic. How it spilled forth and waged war against her body. 

He tossed Debbie a rag and made his way over to Lisa. Carefully he started with her neck. It was swollen under his touch, which was probably what Diade had noticed when she had pushed against it. She didn't stop him from cleaning Lisa up. In fact she must have been satisfied that Lisa was going to be okay, because both Diade and her wife took a step back while he and Debbie worked. 

Lisa groaned when he started wiping around her bruised eyes. They batted open, the whites covered in busted veins. 

"Did it work?" She choked on her words, before her head bobbed backwards and she was gone again.

Did what work? 

What had she done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? :)


	24. Chapter 24

It could have been hours or minutes, Kaldur couldn't bring himself to care. Moments passed by in a stream. Flowed past him, untouchable. 

"Sweetheart? Why don't you sit down? I think you're worrying your Mama." Bea was standing in front of him, but wasn't she just in the kitchen? Where was he? 

"I need to check on Lisa." He knew he needed to check on her but he didn't know _why_. But Kaldur trusted his instincts, for some reason. 

"You just did?"

He shook his head. That wasn't true. He needed to check on her and then Garth. Garth too? Did something happen? 

"Please just come sit down." 

"But-"

"They each have a doctor with them." Her hand rested against his arm causing him to jerk back. If she minded she didn't let on. "Come on hun." 

"Bea. I need-"

"You need to sit. You've been going back and forth between them for hours."

It had only been a few minutes? Or maybe she was right. Hours were just as possible. But he couldn't remember seeing them. So he needed to do it again. He would go back and forth until he was sure they were okay. Or until his body gave out. Whichever came first. 

"One more time?" 

She hesitated for a beat. "Alright. One more time." 

They were in Tula's room. Tula wasn't going to like that. The sand had been disturbed, and Lisa was under the covers but he didn't care about that. Shouldn't he care about that? She was pale. So pale. Why was she so pale? He rested his hand against her cheek. Kaldur let out a hiss. She was on _fire_. 

"She has a fever." 

Thnita looked up from a notebook. "We've been over this?" She sounded worried. 

"Oh." No they hadn't. He would remember something as important as a fever. Unless that's why he needed to check on her. Did Garth have a fever too? 

He was in Garth's room. How did he get there? Gods. Was why Garth's eye covered? The cotton bandages stained in browning blood. He reached for them. He should change them. 

"Kaldur'ahm!" Diade yelped at him. She was here? Why was the doctor here? Was her wife? "We've been over this." She sighed and gently pushed his hand away from Garth. Her headscarf was wrinkled in places and bags hung under her eyes. 

"Are you tired?"

Her shoulders dropped and she ran a hand down her face. "Kaldur go get some rest." 

He couldn't. Why couldn't he? Did something happen? 

"Why is everyone so upset?" 

Sha'lain'a blinked at him. "Minnow…" Her hand cupped his cheek. It felt nice, so he let his eyes drift close and leaned into the touch. His eyes were so heavy. That didn't make any sense? He had no reason to be tired. Nothing was making any sense. 

"Do I have to go to the potluck? I am so exhausted." 

"Kaldur…what do you remember?" 

"I don't know what you mean? When did you get here by the way?" His mother bit her lip. Worry wrinkled her face. He hated seeing his mother worried. "Are you okay? Do you need me to do something?" He'd do anything to help his mother. 

"Just sit here for a second. I need to go make a phone call." 

"To Father?" Stepfather? That would never sound right in his head. 

"Not quite Sweetheart." 

Koryak was screaming. It was a sound Kaldur was familiar with but the sound wasn't direct at him. Which felt odd, because Kaldur felt unnervingly guilty. No, Koryak was yelling at his father. Sark was standing between them trying to keep violence at bay. Roy would have made fun of the way the wind disheveled Sark's mullet. Where was Roy? Were they arguing again? He hoped not. 

" _You_ didn't help! You could have saved her!" 

"Don't try to pin this on me!" 

"I'm not _trying_ shit!"

The wind brushed Kaldur's eyelashes as he watched. Something must have happened. Something always happened between those two. Kaldur considered walking across the sand to ask if he could do anything. But Sark seemed to be doing what he could. 

"Kaldur, pal, come back inside." Joanna motioned for him to join her on the porch. 

He was throwing up. Tears ran down his cheeks. Bile burned his throat. His gills flapped desperately against the cool bathroom air. Where was Lisa? Why wasn't she here to help? His stomach betrayed him again, tensing his muscles and making his headache worse. When did he start having a headache? 

"Kaldur, come back inside." M'gann placed a hand on his arm. Didn't Bea do that a few minutes ago? Why was Bea here? Why was M'gann? The Gallery wind twisted her sweater. 

"I'm looking for Garth." 

"He's in his room." 

Didn't he check there already? "I'm worried about him."

"We can go see him together. Just, come back inside." 

He needed to put something on his ceiling. It was so boring. Kaldur blinked at the cream colored field above his head, the hardwood of the floor biting against his back. 

Something was wrong. But for the life of him he couldn't remember what it was. 

The door creaked open and he sat up to look at it. 

"M'gann? When did you get here?" 

"It's been a minute." She knelt down next to him after setting an orange bottle on his nightstand. "This will help you sleep." She offered him a round white pill.

"No thank you." 

"Kaldur we had an entire conversation about it. You asked me to go get it." She didn't frown, in fact her face stayed as even as her voice. 

"I did?" 

"Yes. I'm not going to force you to take it. But. I think some sleep will do you some good." 

"Something happened."

"Yes."

"Tell me?" 

Her eyebrow twitched but not for long. "Lisa tried to summon Tula's spirit. She thought it would help Garth if he could say goodbye." 

"Did it?" 

"No. As far as I know the spell failed." 

He looked down at her hand held out in front of him. "What's that?" 

"It'll help you sleep."

He _was_ tired. "Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments are kewl


	25. Chapter 25

Kaldur didn't want to get out of bed. Didn't want to face last night. Besides, getting out of bed meant choosing who he saw first. Sure Garth was closer but Lisa was in worse shape. Or she was last night. Not that he could remember much of last night. His fingers found the bridge of his nose. 

Some potluck. 

"You're awake." M'gann's voice was soft against the pounding in his head. 

"Unfortunately." Someone must have called her. She definitely wasn't at the dinner, that much he knew. 

"What do you remember?"

"I don't know and I don't want to know yet." 

"Okay." She sat on the edge of his bed. "They're both stable. In fact Garth woke up a few hours ago."

"Good." No relief came to him. Actually. Nothing came to him. Kaldur was completely numb. The events of last night had finally done him in. He was an emotionless husk. 

"He hasn't said anything, but I'm sure it'd be okay for you to see him." 

"I don't want to move." 

"Do you want a book? Or I went to the dollar store and got some crosswords?" He hadn't done a crossword in years. When he first came to the Surface the games helped him learn English, and understand meanings more clearly. Something he shared with M'gann when she came to Earth. Back when he took care of her and not the other way around. 

"No thank you." 

"I'll turn on some music then." 

"Something soft. My head hurts." 

She nodded and walked over the bookshelf La'gaan and Sheeva had put together. 

La'gaan. 

"What happened to La'gaan? Is he okay?" 

Her muscles tensed and her body froze. "I wouldn't know. He was gone when I got here."

"Did something happen between you two?" 

"Do you want to know right now?" 

He thought about it for a second. "Not really. But later."

"Later." She nodded but he was unconvinced. 

The music she chose would have been nice. Something he'd relax too at the end of the day. But for some reason every note was sour and grated on his nerves. 

"I'm sorry. Can you turn that off?" 

"Of course." 

Kaldur pinched his eyes closed. Unwanted images flashed through his mind. Lisa's head lulled back, stained in crimson. Garth's magic warping and scaring him. La'gaan collapsed and weak in Sheeva's lap. 

Tula's lifeless body drained of her magic. 

He felt his teeth clench, his nails digging into the flesh of his nose. M'gann's soft fingers slid into his palm and gently pulled it away. 

"I think Orin made some stew. Let's go get some." 

"I'm not hungry." 

"Maybe you'll change your mind once you smell it."

He heaved a sigh, eyes still closed. It was such a small request. Tiny even. But it felt like she was asking the world of him. Getting out of bed. Walking through the hall, past Garth's room. Sitting in the kitchen where there's no doubt other people. Possibly eating. So many small things stacked on top of each other. 

"M'gann…" He trailed off because he didn't actually have anything to say. 

"It's okay. Just take your time. I'm here." Despite what she said her weight removed itself from his bed. Panic seized his heart. She lied to him. She was gone. Left him alone with his thoughts. Left him to lay here and die. And didn't he deserve it? All of this was his fault. Because _he_ left. Because _he_ lied. 

"Kaldur?" Her soft voice broke through. He peeled his eyes open to find her standing by his desk chair. An open crossword puzzle book sitting out. Relief dressed like a sigh slipped from his lips.

"Yes?" He tried to play it off like he hadn't just spiraled out. 

"I'm right here." 

"You're in my head?" He wasn't mad, just surprised. Or he would be if he felt anything. 

"I don't have to be." 

He nodded and fell back on his bed. Gods. How much time had he spent in this bed? In this room? Too much. He would have been better off if the knife had killed him. Hell, everyone would have been better off. 

"Why did you bother fixing me?" 

"You're my friend. And I love you." 

"Then you're an idiot." That was mean. But again he didn't really care. 

Her hand tensed around her pen. She was doing crosswords with a pen? Ballsy. "Have you considered talking to Dr. Clancy?" 

A single strangled laugh escaped him. "Why waste her time?" 

"You wouldn't be- Kaldur." She sighed, her facade cracking for just a second. "We can talk about this later." _She_ was the one who brought it up. 

He hummed a response. There were a million comebacks dancing on his tongue, but he didn't want to upset her anymore than he already had. Actually, why was she even here? Had he really spiraled so far out to sea that someone felt they had to have her pull him back? When did she start taking care of him? When did he start needing to be taken care of? Why had Lisa assumed he needed to be cared for? Assumed Garth needed to be cared for? Was destroying herself for everyone else worth it? 

Was destroying himself for everyone else worth it? 

He felt his jaw tighten. He'd need to see a dentist soon at this rate. 

His room suddenly felt very small. The additions to it making it that much worse. The wooden bookshelf and desk were heavy obstacles. Gerald was creeping closer to the floor, filling his limited space. The colorful lights Sha'lain'a had gifted him were anxiety inducing. M'gann's pen scratching against the book grated his nerves. 

"I'm leaving." He announced. 

"Where are you going?" 

" _Anywhere_." 

M'gann nodded and stood up, sliding the book in her back pocket. Kaldur didn't really want a babysitter, but he also couldn't bring himself to care about her following him around. His emotions were a frustrating paradox and it was starting to piss him off. 

He froze in the hallway, Garth's door looming over him. He couldn't _not_ see him. But he also couldn't stand to see him. M'gann's hand landed on his shoulder. 

"I'm right here." 

Kaldur nodded. That should have comforted him, made this easier. But it didn't do anything at all. 

If Garth wasn't talking then there was no point in knocking, so he just pushed open the door. Kaldur expected to see his friend lying in bed, maybe attempting to get some sleep. Instead Garth was sitting on the floor holding his hands out in front of him. A bandage covered most of the right side of his face. It was a pristine cotton white, but Kaldur had the vaguest memory of it being soaked through with blood. One purple eye landed on him. 

"How is Lisa?" Garth croaked. 

Kaldur turned to M'gann. A silent request for her to answer the question. 

"She's better. Her fever broke last night and she's been breathing evenly since you healed her." She answered.

"I didn't heal her." It sounded heavy and guilty. 

"Well whatever you did, she's better now."

"Yeah." 

"How's your eye?" Kaldur asked. 

"Blind." 

Kaldur's stomach dropped. His knees wobbled. Panic constricted his insides. "For how long?" 

"Forever." 

Shit.

Fuck. 

Kaldur's head shook but he wasn't controlling it anymore. He felt himself backing up out of the room. "Oh." The word fell off his lips and landed limply on the floor. "I… I'm sorry."

"You didn't do it."

Except he did. 

If he hadn't insisted Garth fix Lisa. 

If he'd been there for Garth.

If he'd been there for Lisa sooner. 

_If_.

"Let's go get some stew." M'gann held a hand out for Garth. After a second he took it and struggled to his feet. 

"I'm not hungry." Kaldur's response was quick. 

"That's okay." Garth whispered. Sadness coated his words. He'd wrapped his arm around M'gann's waist. Kaldur wondered if it was because he needed help standing. Or not running into things. 

He couldn't do this. 

He couldn't. 

"Just walk with us Kaldur." M'gann smiled.

They didn't really want him. 

They were being polite. 

He'd destroyed his friends. 

And they couldn't actually want him.

They _couldn't_.

"Please?" Garth whispered. 

Fuck. 

"Alright." 

He agreed because he couldn't stand hurting Garth again. Even if Garth didn't actually want him anymore. Couldn't want him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments to feed the fishes?


	26. Chapter 26

“You Deserve Better”

The paper came down with not nearly a satisfying enough rip. The head of the thumbtack had scrapped along his palm and popped out of the board. Had Kaldur’s skin not been Atlantean it would have torn a good chunk of flesh away. Unfortunately he was Atlantean, or half Atlantean, so it was barely an annoyance.

“Shame, I liked that there.” 

Kaldur spun on his heel, fresh anger mixing with old. “What are you doing here?” He spat at Roy who was leaning on his doorframe. He tried to focus on his ex and not the disaster he’d created in his bedroom. Getting M’gann to give him some space was hard enough, but once she saw _this_? There was no way she’d leave his side again. 

“I heard about what happened last night …”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” 

Roy took a deep breath like he was steeling himself. “I want to be here for you this time.”

 _This time._

Because he hadn’t been there last time. 

Because Kaldur had pushed him away. Hadn’t been good enough. And now Roy was here to make _himself_ feel better. 

“I don’t need your pity.” 

“It’s not pity.” Roy bent down to pick up some vinyls laying on the floor from where Kaldur had tossed Tula’s milk crate.

“Then what _is_ it?!”

“Love! Damnit Kaldur. I love you!” 

“Why do people keep saying that to me?” Tears had sprung up behind his eyes, a hot pressure that he wanted to rip out.

Roy’s shoulders dropped and he didn’t even try to hide the distressed look that crossed his freshly groomed face. “Because it’s true.” It sounded like he forced it to be louder than a whisper. 

“I don’t believe you.” 

“People don’t believe the Earth is round either Kaldur! It doesn’t make it less true.” 

No. 

That was different. That was a fallacy. Even if Kaldur couldn’t pick out which one right now. Just because some people were too stupid to believe the evidence right in front of their faces, didn’t mean people actually loved him. Because he didn’t _deserve_ it. 

If he’d noticed Lisa was greving sooner.

If he’d told Garth about the mission.

If he hadn’t dragged Artemis and Wally back in.

If he hadn’t _gone_ on the mission.

If he’d stopped Garth and Tula from joining the Team.

If he’d kept his mouth shut about breaking into Cadmus.

If he’d never become Aqualad.

“Kaldur! Kaldur breathe. Just breathe.” Roy’s hand was wrapped around his. Wide worried blue eyes stared at him. Kaldur was on the floor. Did he fall? Collapse? _Neptune’s beard_ were these gaps in his memory infuriating. 

He opened his mouth to tell Roy to get away from him, but the words didn't come. Instead, repeated almost like a mantra: "It's my fault. It's all my fault. It's my fault…"

"Okay," Roy broke through after the fifth rotation of "my fault"s. "How?"

Kaldur blinked. Of all the things he expected Roy to say. That certainly wasn't it. "What?" 

"How? How is any of this," He waved his arm around for dramatic effect. "Your fault?" His eyes darted around the room. "Well the mess is your fault. But we can clean that up. Trust me I've been there."

"What do you mean? How? It's my fault Roy!" 

"Yeah, you keep saying that. But I want to know _how_. What did _you_ do, to make Lisa attempt a spell she had no business even knowing about?" 

"I should have known about her father sooner?" He should have asked if she was okay. Should have been there for her. Instead of her being there for him. 

"You knowing about her dad, whatever that means, would have stopped her?" 

"He's sick. I could have supported her better."

"And that made her cast a spell when she had no magical training at all?" 

"Will you _stop_?!" Roy was making too much sense. But he was also wrong. He had to be. 

"I'm just trying to understand Kaldur." 

"Even if I didn't have anything to do with her casting the spell, she only did it because I wasn't there for Garth- I swear if you ask me "how"!" 

Roy closed his mouth and nodded. "I won't say you going on that mission didn't affect Garth's depression. But if you were here, do you think he _wouldn't_ be depressed?" 

"Of course he'd be depressed but maybe-"

"Maybe? So you aren't sure?" 

"It's still my fault she's dead!" Kaldur was screaming now. Tears of fury running down his cheeks. He was on his feet again and stared down at Roy. 

"How?" 

Kaldur tried to stifle the sob, but failed. He leaned back on his desk. When Roy stood up he let him cup his elbow and rub up and down with his thumb. "You didn't ask her to join the Team," His voice was so soft. "In fact if I remember that particular rant correctly you asked them _not_ to."

"I should have been there in time. Shouldn't have let Klarion get ahold of her." 

"I read the reports. She ran after him. She chose to sacrifice herself." 

"Why?! Why did she leave us!? _Me_?"

"Why did you leave?" 

Any control he had over his crying was gone. He all but folded over. Hot heavy tears ran down his face. He wasn't screaming but the noise he was making was just as loud. His nails bit into the heavy wooden desk. When Roy pulled him into a hug it was all he wanted, and nothing he wanted. Still Kaldur returned the grasp, soaking Roy's "Vote or Die" t-shirt. Snot ran from his nose faster than he would have expected. His muscles shuddered and were getting sore from just how tight he was holding himself. 

It felt like an eternity before he regained control and pulled away from Roy. Fingers rough from years of archery rested against his face and gently wiped away his tears. There was a time when they were teenagers when Kaldur might have described Roy as tender. He considered if he was back to that. Back to his old self. Or. A better version of it. 

"Feel better?"

"A little bit." A lot actually. It felt like he'd finally put down a weight he'd been carrying since he first saw Tula's body at Dick's feet. 

"It's a start." Roy's thumb was still rubbing Kaldur's cheek. Definitely tender. Slowly sense was coming back to him. He flinched at the site of his bedroom. 

He'd pulled the mattress off the   
frame, the sheets and blanket torn from the bed. Books were scattered from where he threw them from their shelf. His mother's gift rested on its side by the closet, colors still spinning. It laid next to Lian's stuff dumped from the basket that was now on the opposite side of the room. Gerald had survived Kaldur's greif, but his synthetic sibling wasn't so lucky. The ceramic pot the fake foliage rested in was cracked down the middle at the foot of his bed. The picture of him, Garth, and Tula was shattered in the middle of the chaos. 

"Gods" He breathed. 

Roy also glanced around the room. "Yeah it's pretty bad." 

Wait a second. Kaldur frowned at Roy, it was just now clicking that he really was here. Really cupping his face. Not just a vivid grief hallucination. "Where's Lian?" 

"With her Grandpa Ollie, no doubt getting spoiled. Having a small army for a family is surprisingly helpful when you have an infant." Roy moved around Kaldur to hang up his now torn "You Deserve Better" paper. 

"Then why did you ask me?" 

"What?" 

"To watch Lian." 

"Oh." His hand found the back of his neck. "Honestly I was spiraling pretty bad. In crisis they call it I guess. I just kept coming back to how you would be there for me. Which really didn't help with the guilt, but hey. Anyway the way my brain was in that moment, there was only you." He bumped his shoulder against Kaldur's. "And this time, and every time after if you'll have me, I'll be there for you." 

"Sap."

"I mean, I had to learn something from all that therapy otherwise it's just a waste of money." 

Kaldur let out a chuckle. "Yeah. I guess."

"Do you want to go see Lisa?" 

No.

"Sure." 

M'gann was waiting in the hallway. How much had she heard? How much had she _felt_. 

"I destroyed my bedroom." He felt like a child confessing to doing something wrong.

"I heard." 

"I'm going to clean it up." 

She nodded gently.

Together they made it towards Tula's room, Kaldur flanked on either side by a redhead. His fingers hung over the doorknob. He shouldn't bother her. 

She wouldn't want him in her room.

She was gone. 

Was Lisa gone?

Just a lifeless body on the other side of this door? 

"You still with us?" Roy asked. 

"Lisa is in Tula's room." Kaldur could feel himself start to slip away. The past and the present mixing into unrecognizable soup. But then M'gann's fingers wrapped around his. 

"I'm right here. We're right here." 

"Is she- is _Lisa_ , okay?" 

"Even if she's not," Roy put his hand over Kaldur's on the doorknob. "We're right here." But he wasn't. He left him. 

That was then. 

This is now. 

They turned the knob and stepped into the room. 

Even though the window was open, billowing the sheer currents, the room was _hot_. M'gann took a surprised step back, her grip tightening around his hand. Roy blinked at the sudden shift in temperature but it didn't bother him the same way. 

"Maybe we should leave the door open." He said.

The words bounced out of Kaldur's ears but he nodded anyway. He was more focused on his feet being rooted to the warm wooden floor. Lisa was twisting desperately against Tula's sheets. Sweat dripped off her brow. Worse of all she was whimpering. 

"I'll be right back." He wasn't thinking, just acting. Neither M'gann or Roy followed him so they must have believed him. Or maybe he was on a timer. Either way he ducked into the kitchen. Silhouettes of people moved around him. Noises that resembled voices were directed at him. None of that mattered. 

The rag drawer was almost empty. He knew most of them had been kicked under his bed and forgotten, but he didn't realize how many. He grabbed the threadbare yellow rag in the back. It had a hole worn near the edge but she wouldn't mind. Once it was adequately rung out he went to get a glass from the cabinet. For a split second he thought about filling it with lemonade but water seemed like the best plan. As an afterthought he grabbed a container of applesauce and a spoon. 

She was still twisting when he returned to the room. The rag didn't get the immediate response that he was expecting when he pressed against her head. 

"It's okay Lisa. You're okay." He was lying. He was so sick of lying. Roy's hand landed on his shoulder. An anchor in the storm. "You need to wake up. If you really want to help us, please wake up." 

"Oop!" M'gann cringed as the word left her mouth. "Sorry. I knocked some pictures off the wall." The 4 x 6 images started floating in the air as she moved to put them back. Without thinking Kaldur grabbed the closest one to him. What had Tula deemed so important to decorate her world with. 

It was a time when things were so much better. A pile of "aqua brats" on the beach. Even Blubber was there, several feet away so he could fit in frame. In the middle of the pile was Kaldur, Garth on one knee, Tula the other. Lisa had dramatically thrown herself so that she was on all three's laps. Debbie had her arms wrapped around her sister's shoulders. Koryak was sitting off to the side, Garth's hand resting on his shoulder. There were more, La'gaan, Sheeva, Selena, Merlon, Mupo, F'ancha, Topo, Lori. 

Why didn't he have a copy of this?

Would Tula mind if he kept it?

"I 'member that." Lisa's words slurred together. Kaldur's heart leapt. 

"You're awake."

"Not much." 

"Can I get you anything?" 

She shook her head, eyes batting closed again. He reached up and adjusted the wet rag on her forehead. She smiled ever so slightly. 

For some reason he thought everything might be okay.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! Work knocked me on my ass

The local news was upsettingly incomplete. All week there was no mention of the girl who almost died trying to help her friend. There never would be. Lisa would go unappreciated and unknown by the masses. Kaldur didn't know why that bothered him as much as it did. 

He sighed and went back to his book. La'gaan had been recouping in Poseidons but insisted that Kaldur finish so they could talk about it when he got back. Turning the obnoxiously thin pages with just his thumb was a pain, but he wasn't going to take his other hand off Garth's chest. Not with him laying on Kaldur's lap, staring up at the ceiling with one eye. It was so familiar it put a pang of sadness deep in Kaldur's chest. 

Once two bodies had been three. 

"Paint my nails?" 

"What?" Kaldur frowned down at Garth. 

"I think I'd make a mess if I tried." 

He would have made a mess even if he still had depth perception. Kaldur didn't say that. 

"I don't have any nail polish." 

"Me either." 

They didn't talk anymore after that, but when the news cut off, replaced by "Wheel of Fortune", Kaldur heaved a sigh and stood up. 

Garth looked at him quizzically, or as quizzically as he could manage with half a face. The tape from the bandages popped off and he reached up to smooth it back down.

"Let me check on Lisa and then we can go to the drugstore."

"Yeah, alright." 

He tried to ignore that Garth hadn't seen Lisa since everything happened. Kaldur couldn't really blame him. Garth's own guilt was palpable and with no Roy to demand "how" from him, he'd been stewing. Kaldur considered being Garth's voice of reason, but he couldn't even be his own. So he left it to the others. 

Tula's door no longer yelled when pushed open, someone must have oiled it. Probably Joanna or Murk, any small thing they could do to help. 

Kaldur was startled to see Koryak sitting on the floor by the bed. His knees were pulled up obscuring his face. His long hair a curtain blocking his head and hunched shoulders from view. Lisa's fingers were brushing the top of his scalp. Kaldur almost asked where he'd been, why he'd disappeared all week. But who was he to ask that of anyone? 

"Hello Koryak." 

Slowly the Prince lifted his head to eye Kaldur. His face was painted in sorrow and exhaustion. "Hey." 

"Garth and I are going to get some nail polish. Would you like to join us?" 

"'Ring me sum?" Lisa's words slid together. Koryak twisted around to look at his best friend. 

"Of course." He whispered. Kaldur had planned on saying something similar but if Koryak wanted to pick out her nail polish, so be it. 

The other young man rose, placed a gentle kiss on Lisa's head, and walked past Kaldur out the door. Kaldur lingered for a moment, watching Lisa's chest rise and fall. If she hadn't just requested nail polish he would have assumed she was asleep. Or unconscious. 

"We'll be back." He promised. Earning a slow sideways thumbs up from her. 

It didn't occur to him that this was the first time since the potluck that Koryak and Garth had seen each other. As teenagers they were constantly at one another's throats, Koryak more so than Garth but both had their moments. But since he got back Kaldur couldn't recall a single argument between the two. That didn't mean they hadn't happened, but when contrasted with the old days it seemed odd. Now though they just stood wordlessly by the door waiting for him. 

Koryak's driving was a breath of fresh air after Lisa and La'gaan. He followed traffic laws. Turned at a reasonable speed. And even used his single. Kaldur didn't even have to hold onto the handle above the door with full strength. Even when Koryak spoke his eyes remained on the road. 

"Why are we doing this?" 

"I want to." Garth mumbled from the back seat. 

"Yeah. Alright." In another time Koryak would be starkly against doing anything just because Garth wanted to. 

The drugstore was obnoxiously bright. Kaldur blinked against the fluorescent glow that coated the entire store. The entire left hand wall was covered in makeup and nail polish, making it easy to find but very overwhelming. He didn't say anything when Koryak disappeared into the store. 

Garth's fingers wrapped around Kaldur's arm. He was still getting used to maneuvering with one eye. Starting on Land, where you could only move in one direction. At least that's what Garth said. Kaldur couldn't help but wonder if he just wanted to be close to Lisa, even if he wouldn't see her in person. Could he feel her?

"Um, Kaldur?" 

"Yes?" 

Garth rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I kinda forgot I was colorblind."

Kaldur blinked. "How?" 

"I'm not usually staring at a wall of "colors"!" He put air quotes around the word "colors". "And besides, other stuff has been on my mind." 

"Why did you want to paint your nails to begin with?" 

Garth picked up a green polish and squinted at it. "Tula." 

"Oh."

"She'd paint my nails when she got bored. I hated it at the time, not the end result, the just not moving part, but now…"

Kaldur nodded softly. "I understand."

Garth turned to look at him for a beat. "I know you do." 

"Hey Garth!" Koryak called, approaching the two with a basket full of snacks. "I found you something." He held up an eyepatch, an imitation of his normal smugness laying on his face. An obvious mask.

"No thanks." Garth deadpanned. 

Koryak shrugged and tossed the eyepatch into his basket, followed quickly by a matte black nail polish. 

Kaldur didn't actually know anything about nail polish. He considered texting Raquel, but she was probably busy, and he didn't know how to explain this endeavor. In the end he picked a soft blue and helped Garth decide on a purple. For Lisa, Koryak grabbed a near neon green. They must have been quite the sight, three depressed men picking out glorified paint. 

Applying the nail polish proved to be quite the adventure. But it got Lisa to choak out a laugh so maybe this absurdity was worth it, even if some did end up on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments convert into cash for nail polish


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's late but I'm working 2 jobs rn lol. So while im sry im not gonna beat myself up over it. Enjoy!!

Kaldur was sitting in a sea of stars. He continued folding the papers and letting them fall from his fingers to Tula's floor. Behind him Lisa was curled up on the bed snoring lightly. She had managed to walk around a little today but it drained her. Gone was the girl who bragged about swimming up waterfalls, but maybe not forever. The night air blew against the curtains filling the room with a soft shuffling. 

Lisa may have been dozing comfortably but Kaldur hadn't slept in several days. Aside from his body forcing sleep on him if he sat still too long that is. Which was why he continued to form stars with long since numb fingers. He refused to give in to the nightmares that danced through his mind. Even if his refusal led to incoherent conversations and running into more walls than he cared to admit. 

"Kaldur?" 

He jumped, the half formed star flying from his fingers in a sad imitation of a shooting star. "Koryak?" Hadn't the Prince already gone to bed? His baggy night pants and ruffled hair seemed to suggest that. 

"Come to the kitchen." He whispered.

Kaldur nodded, glanced over his shoulder at Lisa, and rose. Paper strips fell from his lap when he did. Koryak raised an eyebrow at him and his stars but didn't say anything. The short walk to the kitchen didn't offer any explanation from Koryak. Kaldur's own brain was too exhausted to come up with horror scenarios, so he had no idea what to expect crossing the threshold. 

Artemis' strong arms wrapping instantly, and tightly, around his neck certainly wasn't it though. Her head buried into his shoulder, leaving shallow breaths against his gills. Slowly he returned the hug. 

"You're shaking." She muttered. 

"Um." 

He _was_ shaking. A soft consistent shudder to his muscles signaling his desire to collapse to the floor and sleep until Atlantis rose again. 

"I had a nightmare." Artemis explained, still firmly attached to him. 

"Oh." 

Neither moved. In the dark of the kitchen it was easy to pretend everything was okay. That this was normal. 

"What sort of a nightmare?" He asked. She tensed under his grasp. 

"The sort where you were dead." 

"Oh." He adjusted his hold on her every so slightly. The trembling in his arms was growing and birthing soft pain. She pulled out of the hug just enough to look into his eyes. The light was still off making it hard to see her face even with it inches away.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't calm down…" Her head turned to look at the floor but he placed his hand on her cheek and turned her face back to see him. 

"No need to apologize." 

"I had Roy bring me." She said it like she was ashamed. No. She was _worried_. "He's still here." It was a whisper. 

Kaldur nodded. The last time he saw Roy they left things in a decent place. But it was still a rocky place. It felt like one bad wind could knock it all down. "Lian?" He asked. 

"With Mia." Artemis roughly wiped her tear stained face with the back of her hand.

"It's late. You two should stay." He wasn't thinking. The look on Artemis' face proved that. But it was too late to back out now. 

"If you're sure." 

He wasn't. 

"I am." He pulled Artemis back into the hug and pointedly didn't look at Koryak. Had he not been standing in the doorway his expression wouldn't have been clear, but the Prince was hovering. 

Roy was in the living room, sitting on the couch. A small panic emerged in Kaldur's chest, but nothing like what once was. Roy was scrolling through his phone with half lidded eyes. The blue glow illuminating his features. Sharp edges had become soft and round in the last year or so. Kaldur had an incredibly sleep deprived thought about gently running his fingers over the soft flesh. 

"Roy." Artemis got her brother-in-law's attention. Brother-in-law. Shit. Why did that just now click? 

Roy looked up from his phone. His hair, both on his face and scalp, was fanned out in random peaks. It was clean and fluffy looking. It was probably really soft. Kaldur physically turned away. His heart felt like it could give out if he kept staring. Koryak raised his eyebrow again. 

Kaldur looked the Prince up and down. Maybe it wasn't Roy doing this to his brain, maybe it was just the sleep deprivation. Nothing. He let out an annoyed sigh.   
"Need to talk?" Koryak whispered. Artemis and Roy were chatting about sleeping over and didn't hear him. 

"Words are for people who sleep."

Koryak gave a soft nod. "When was the last time you slept?" 

"What day is it?" 

"Shit dude." Koryak shook his head. Kaldur sorta loved the way his long hair shimmered in low hallway light. Oh hey, there it was. Without thinking he reached out and brushed some stray hair from Koryak's face. Still he couldn't stop thinking about what _Roy's_ hair would feel like. Especially the new hair on his face. A blush spread across his cheeks as he imagined what that facial hair would feel like against his hands, his own face, his lips, his…

"I should sleep." 

"Yeah." Koryak was done whispering. A frown had etched itself on his red brown skin. "Yeah you should." 

"Where are we gonna sleep?" Roy asked. His voice was weighed down with his own exhaustion. Kaldur's heart squeezed. He hated hearing Roy like that. It always meant he had over done it. Pushed himself to the limit and beyond. 

"I guess my room." Kaldur spoke earning _another_ raised eyebrow from Koryak. Well technically two because both his eyebrows reached his hairline. 

"Are you sure?" Artemis asked. Her hand had found Kaldur's wrist. What at first seemed to be a gentle gesture, was actually her fingers pressed against his artery. She was feeling for his heartbeat. He pulled her back into a hug. 

"I'm sure." He murmured into her hair. 

They ended up making a pile of blankets on his cool floor and sleeping together. Kaldur had barely laid down before sleep took him over. He had the vaguest memory of Roy chuckling and whispering something about Kaldur "really needing some sleep" and Artemis' arm wrapped around his torso. At some point in the night he remembered waking up with Roy's back to him. He quite liked waking up next to him. Sleep enveloped him before that thought could twist under the pressures of the past and anxiety. 

It was well into the afternoon when they pulled themselves up. Really he would have been content staying on the floor even longer but his bladder won out. Once he returned to the room Artemis and Roy were already folding the blankets. Well, more like arguing about folding the blankets. 

"Have you ever folded a blanket before?" Roy accused. 

"Bitch, listen here-"

"I'm going to make some coffee." Kaldur announced. He tried not to think too much about how Roy wasn't looking at him. Hadn't he gotten past the point where people wouldn't look at him? 

He froze when he heard the start of a conversation in the kitchen. He wasn't eavesdropping per se but he also wasn't in the mood for a heavy conversation. So he decided to wait it out. 

"So where did you go?" Garth asked. 

"What do you mean?" Was Koryak's simple response. 

"After...after Lisa got hurt. I would think you'd be at her side the whole time." 

"Oh."

At first Kaldur assumed that was all he was going to offer as a response. 

"Well," Koryak began again. "Shit. I was in the psych ward alright?" 

"What?" 

Kaldur's heart stuttered in his chest. 

"Erika and Dwayne said I was a "threat to myself and others". I guess the doctors agreed. Technically I got out early though because they needed the bed. Gotta love the American healthcare system."

"If you don't mind my asking..." Garth didn't sound sure, the verbal equivalent of tiptoeing on an icy lake. Kaldur was certainly unsure about what he was hearing. 

"Why'd I get committed?" 

"Yeah." 

"Flashbacks. PTSD is a bitch man. Normally I can cope but. You know. You were there. I think it was the heat. Or maybe it was seeing someone I love helpless. I'm not sure. I think I tried to stab my dad though, so that's fun." 

Whatever Garth's response was it was nonverbal. Kaldur waited until his heart felt less sluggish before rounding the corner. 

"I was starting to wonder." Koryak smiled behind a glass. No indication of the previous conversation on his face. 

"Wonder what?" Kaldur gently pushed past him to pull out the coffee pot and begin making a pot of liquid caffeine. 

"If you survived sleeping with your ex." 

"We didn't actually date." Artemis said, rounding the corner. "That was just a cover." 

"Wasn't talking about you beautiful." Koryak smirked at her. But Artemis froze. Her smile fell. And for a moment she was somewhere else, with someone else. Koryak's smirk tumbled off his face. "Sorry. I didn't mean anything by-"

"No. It's not that." She hesitated. "You just reminded me of someone. 

Gods. Kaldur almost pulled her into another hug. Wally's memory hanging over them. Before he could she changed the subject. 

"Roy's on the phone."

"Alright." 

"I'm sorry again for bringing him...I just needed a ride-"

"Do not apologize. We're doing better actually." He hoped his smile was a comforting one.

"Really?" Her eyebrow shot up in a mirror of Koryak's last night. Even Garth didn't seem sure and he was preoccupied messing with his bandages. 

"You expect me to lie?" 

"I didn't say that. So. By "doing better" you mean?"

"I'm no longer filled with rage by being in the same room as him." 

She nodded, her loose hair bobbing along with the motion. "Well that's… _good_." 

As if summoned, Roy entered the kitchen. He still wouldn't look Kaldur in the eye but at least he was looking towards him. "Afternoon." He grumbled. The others responded in kind. "Feeling better?" 

"Me or him?" Artemis asked. 

"You this time. I'll get to him." He smirked and Kaldur felt his heart leap. He still needed more sleep. 

"I…" Artemis' eyes trailed the floor before landing on Kaldur. He offered a small smile. "I'm better."

"Would you like to talk about it?" Kaldur motioned towards the backdoor. He really didn't want to, but she needed him. And dammit he was going to be there.

"Not really. But. I probably should." She started towards the door. Kaldur abandoned the process of making coffee halfway through to follow her. But Koryak had moved in to finish. Kaldur caught Garth's worried eye on the way out and shrugged. As if he ever knew what was going on anymore. 

"It was just a bad dream." Artemis started before the door was completely latched. 

"Clearly not." She crossed her arms over her chest and looked down. "Artemis, talk to me." 

"You sound like Zatanna."

"And here I thought I sounded like myself." She snickered at that which helped ease his mind some. 

"I told Chey I couldn't see her anymore. So like. I don't know if you're getting that suit." 

"Do you mind me asking, why did you begin seeing her in the first place?" 

Artemis shrugged, her nightshirt falling off one shoulder. "I'm not sure. A release I guess. And she was just... the opposite of-" She cut herself off, eyes pinched closed. "I was looking for relief in the wrong places." 

Kaldur nodded. That was something he could understand. And understand well. 

"I've missed you Kal."

"And I you." A beat passed between them. "Is that why you reacted so poorly to the nightmare of my death?"

"I don't know. I worry about you." 

"Yes. I'm aware." He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Instead he reached out for her hands. "I'm doing better." It felt like a lie, but he couldn't be sure. At the very least he was on strong ground with Garth and was able to look Roy in his eyes. 

"You know, I actually believe that." 

"You sound surprised." She gave his hand a little squeeze.

"After everything, maybe I am."

"I'm not going to leave you Artemis." 

She shook her head, hair falling in her face. "That's what he promised. And look where we are." 

"Then it's not a promise. It's a goal." 

"Clancy says it's good to have goals."

"That sounds like something a therapist would say." 

She pulled him into another hug. "Have you thought any more about seeing her?"

"A little." It was a lie, but he didn't intend to keep it one. Considering it at the very least seemed the least he could do. 

"I'm sorry about all this. I know with what happened to Lisa you've got to be stressed out-" 

He pulled her out of the hug to look at her. "You have nothing to apologize for." 

She sniffed and leaned back into the hug. "If you say so." 

"I do." 

They stood together, listening to the ocean for however long. The perfect amount of time. When she pulled out of the hug her face was dry and a small smile rested on her lips. "We should have sleepovers more often."

He laughed. "Perhaps." 

Together they returned to the kitchen. Roy had set up shop at the table, frowning at his laptop. Garth was peeking over his shoulder attempting to help. 

"I don't understand why there's so much paperwork to starting a business." The redhead muttered. 

The coffee pot had turned itself off. 

Once the archers left Kaldur went to examine the mess made in his bedroom. But everything was in place. He glanced around just to be sure, found Artemis' phone charger sticking out of the wall and was content that was the only thing not where it should be. 

"Keep it. That way it'll be there for our next sleepover." She told him over the phone, so he tossed it into his bedside drawer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are gold to creators


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a baby chapter lol

Kaldur wasn't amused with Lisa's "game". She'd set up shop in the kitchen, sitting at the table because she couldn't stand for very long, and had Koryak arrange cups throughout the space. Cups she was trying, and failing. to toss ping pong balls into. Her lack of strength caused the small plastic balls to bounce aimlessly across the room and even smacking into Kaldur and Garth. It was Garth that broke first. 

"Lisa," He reached across the table and gently clasped her hands. "I love you. And I take full responsibility for what happened, don't interrupt, but the next ping pong ball that hits me, may set off a series of events I can't hold myself responsible for." He gave an uncomfortable smile, the corners of both eyes pulling up. His right eye had taken on a permanent fog but the purple still broke through at certain lights. Deep black scars had carved themselves into his face down his cheek. 

"Dramatic. But I can respect that." She let the orange ball drop and rested her head on the table, long hair fanning out. Kaldur reached out and rubbed the back of her head. 

Garth leaned back in his chair, watching Lisa intently. He was supposed to be getting caught up on work, but when Lisa emerged from the bedroom that came to a quick end. Besides when did politics in Atlantis move quickly anyway? It was almost impossible to believe that nearly three weeks ago Kaldur almost lost them both. A knock sounded throughout the space but none of the three of them moved. Each stewing in their own angst. 

"When did I become your doorman?" Koryak asked, entering the room, tailed closely by a grinning Raquel. Lisa's head shot up, confusion written on her face. Garth frowned for a second before smothering a grin. Not at all uncomfortable reactions.

"Hey Kal," Raquel was practically vibrating. 

"Afternoon." He raised an eyebrow at his purple eyed friends. 

"Can we?" She pointed down the hall towards his room. Kaldur loved the way her smile rested on her face. 

"Of course." 

The door was barely closed before she'd wrapped him into a tight hug. She was bouncing lightly on the balls on her feet. 

"Raquel," He couldn't help but laugh. So much darkness had rested on him lately, her excitement was contagious. Even if he didn't know why she was so excited. "What's this about?" 

She pulled away, still grinning a cheshire grin. "Kaldur!" Raquel took a deep breath. "Are you ready for this?" 

"For what?" 

"To hear this?!"

He laughed again, it felt good. "More than. What is this about?" 

"I'm pregnant!" She returned to the hug, still bouncing, grinning even brighter than before if that was possible. 

It took a second for him to understand what she was telling him. Then it sunk in and he returned the hug, doing his best not to break any of her bones or to damage the future baby resting inside her. 

"That's incredible!" 

"I'm so excited!" She untangled the hug and grinned up at him. 

"I'm excited for you." He was. It was the most excited he'd been in ages. He placed a kiss on her forehead. If it was an inappropriate response she didn't seem to mind. 

"Kaldur." She glanced down but her smile didn't falter. "I know you're gonna argue with me, but," Her bright eyes met his again. "I want you to be the godfather. Not in a religious way, but the other stuff." 

The ground shifted under his feet. The excitement dried up in his chest. Him? "Why?" 

"Kal, who would do a better job?" 

Anyone. Literally anyone. He was a timebomb and bringing that into a child's life? He only involved himself with Lian when there was no other option for Roy, and never alone. 

"Besides," She continued. "I want you in my kid's life, and this guarantees it." Her excitement had also eased some. Which killed him because it was his fault. Which was proof he was the wrong choice. But. Roy had also said he wanted Kaldur to be in his kid's life. And while Roy had a long history of poor decisions, Raquel didn't. At least not of the same magnitude. And Godfather wasn't something that demanded a lot that he could fuck up. 

"I would be honored." 

Her grin was back as she pulled him back in. "Thank you." It was a soft whisper and he nodded in response. When she pulled out a familiar ache sounded in his chest. "Here." She pulled a small photo from her back pocket. 

Kaldur wasn't sure what he was looking at, but he was pretty sure it was an ultrasound. 

"That little clump of cells right there," She pointed at a mass on the image. "That's going to be a baby in a few months. My baby." 

"It's quite the clump of cells." 

She let out a laugh. Kaldur gave another kiss on Raquel's head. 

The picture made its way to his board, next to the wedding invite and under Sin's necklace. 

"Let's go celebrate." He suggested. 

"Damn right!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Any comments?


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead! October has been quite the month but I'm back and ready to finish this off. Besides as I've said in the past, it's not a young justice story without an unexpected hiatus

Why had he let Artemis talk him into this? He tugged at the collar of his button up with shaking fingers, hoping some added space between him and the fabric would let him breathe. It didn't. It wasn't too late to back out. To go back to the Lighthouse and watch stupid action movies with Lisa. 

But Artemis had raised a good point. Sometimes the only way to know if you wanted something was to try it out. And even if this bombed he'd have an answer. They both would. So before he could talk himself out of it he knocked on the apartment door. It swung open immediately, like Roy was waiting eagerly on the other side. Maybe he was? It certainly wouldn't have been out of character.

"You came!" The redhead cleared his throat and then started again. "I mean. I knew you would. But. Well. Yeah.. um. You look good." 

Kaldur tugged on the bottom of his shirt self consciously. "As do you." And he really did. Well fitting blue jeans, 100% stain and hole free, and a black polo had transformed Roy into someone who looked almost fit for an office job. Almost. 

"Thanks. Artemis made me go shopping, so I'm glad you like it." He shifted back and forth on his feet. "Should we?" Roy pointed down the hall. 

"Oh. Yes. I suppose we should." Why was this so awkward? It shouldn't be this awkward right? Maybe that was a sign that this was an absolutely horrible idea. 

On the walk to the car Roy explained that he and Artemis were currently house hunting together and this apartment was just a rest stop of sorts. And while Kaldur hadn't seen the inside of their apartment yet, it was clearly much nicer than his last place. Even the walls outside seemed cleaner somehow. The drive was when the silence slipped in and coiled around them. With it came memories. 

Not just bad memories granted, but even the good ones hurt right now. And maybe they always would. Maybe they had completely destroyed their past together. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Roy asked. 

"Remember when you jumped off a bridge to impress Donna?"

"And broke my arm? Yeah." He laughed. "Why were you thinking about that?"

"I'm not sure." 

"For the record I was chasing a supervillain."

"An aquatic supervillain. I already had a plan in play." 

"Maybe it was you I was trying to impress." Roy smirked at him, and even though it was hidden by hair now, it was just like old times. Kaldur turned to look out the window, to keep Roy from seeing the blush that was forming on his cheeks. 

"If that was your goal you failed. I was more annoyed than anything." 

"Yeah but you did give me mouth to mouth so that's a point for me." 

The heat in his cheeks got worse. He opted not to respond. The silence was better than embarrassment. 

"Hey Kal?" The teasing had drained from Roy's words. 

"Yes?" 

"If at any point you wanna bail tonight, I understand. This is… well it's a lot." 

It _was_ a lot. And if Artemis and Lisa weren't so persuasive then it probably wouldn't have happened. But it was definitely nice to have an out should he need one. "I appreciate it," He hesitated a second, letting the next words sit in his mouth while he figured out how they felt. "My friend." 

Out of the corner of his eye Kaldur saw the soft smile spread over Roy's lips.

Neither said anything after that but Roy did flip on the music to banish any lingering memories. 

The restaurant Roy made reservations at was the nicest place he'd ever taken Kaldur. Which probably wasn't saying all that much when the competition was take-out from the one Chinese place open 24 hours and Olive Garden. But the effort put forth was clear. There was even a valet to take Roy's beat up, but safe, Sedan. 

"Impressed yet?" The smug grin that Kaldur once loved played across Roy's face. And honestly? He _was_ impressed.

"We haven't even entered the establishment." 

"Then let us." He held his elbow out like he expected Kaldur to take it, or wrap his own around it. But he couldn't. Dinner was one thing. Sass was one thing. Touching was something else entirely. 

"Let us." Kaldur nodded and moved forward, leaving Roy's arm hanging. He didn't look over his shoulder to see if the other man reacted. 

There was a long list of sushi restaurants Kaldur had been to, ranging from actual restaurants in Japan, to some back corner place in a landlocked state that caused even his Atlantean stomach to revolt. But this place. It screamed "unnecessary expense". Domed red ceilings, jade looking countertops and tables with thick wooden bases, shiny black floors that had milky images of koi fish swimming underneath. Even the almost dull lighting added the feeling of wealth. 

"Impressed yet?" Roy asked again. 

"Yes. Yes, I think I am." This had to cost a small fortune but Kaldur pushed that out of his mind. He was told not to worry about the money so he wouldn't. Even if Roy had no Earthly, or otherwise, way of affording this. 

"Thanks." He was grinning again. A sheepish thing that looked unnatural on his face. 

"Why are you thanking me? You're the one who brought me here." 

His hands moved like he wanted to touch Kaldur, but instead he swung them around to sit in his back pockets. "For giving me this shot." 

Kaldur gave a small nod and walked over towards the merchandise. He didn't want to unbury old feelings. The conversation in the car was already too much. This was about testing the waters not diving back in. 

"So, they telling the truth?" 

"What?"

Roy pointed to several floating shelves filled with alcoholes. Below a golden plaque proclaimed "Real Atlantean Liquors!". 

"Somewhat. Shayeris and Thierna Na Oge would never export to the Surface. But I've seen this one," He pointed at a thick green bottle, less intricate then the fakes. "Sold in Poseidons and Tritonis. And the Hidden City has been known to gift boxes of goods, including liquors, so it's possible that one is real as well." 

"What about that one?" His finger pointed at a beautiful blue bottle, the neck of which was twisted like waves.

"If it is truly from Xebel, don't drink it." 

"Are you fucking with me?." 

"I am not." Kaldur smirked and moved on to the other merchandise, they still had a few minutes before their reservation after all. Roy stood behind him eyeing the "Xebel" liquor. The odds of it being real were slim, but the odds of it being toxic to Surface Dwellers if it was? Extremely high. 

He came to a sudden halt. Sitting on a shelf next to him was the most beautiful set of chopsticks he'd ever seen. And much like the restaurant there wasn't much contest, but he decided quickly he'd never see another set so beautiful either. They had to be pure glass, a deep foggy green twisting inside, and like the floor delicately painted koi fish swam through in 3D. Someone made those. It was a thought that hit him with full force. Hands he'd never see dyed and twisted and painted the glass. And now they rested here for anyone with money to buy. 

"They're beautiful." Roy's voice didn't show the wonder that Kaldur was feeling. 

"Yes." 

"Do you want them?" 

Kaldur glanced at the price tag and winced. He had money, but he got it from the King. And he knew where Orin's money came from. And Kaldur couldn't bring himself to spend tax money on something so frivolous. 

"It would be impractical." 

"Party for Harper?" A wide grinning woman approached, cutting off an argument before it began. 

"That would be us." 

They were led to a two top in the back corner of the restaurant. The light was even duller back here, but Kaldur could see even in the darkest parts of the ocean so he was unbothered. Roy however squinted dramatically at his menu. 

"How old would I look if I pulled out my phone's flashlight?" 

"I haven't the slightest idea." 

Roy frowned at the dining room before retrieving his phone. 

"Roy, there's no prices." Kaldur had been on the Surface long enough to know that meant it wasn't just pricey, it was _expensive_. 

"Fancy right?" 

"Can you afford this?" 

"Don't worry about the money. I told you on the phone I'd cover it, and I'm gonna." 

Kaldur gave a weak nod. His stomach had only formed small nots up till now, but suddenly the thought of eating was enough to make him sick. But it would be rude not to…

"How is Lian?" 

"A troublemaker." Any concern from looking old was gone, replaced by a fondness that warmed Kaldur's heart. 

"I wonder where that came from?" 

"Yeah. I have no idea." That smile. Gods that smile. Up until now he'd been pointedly not looking at him, but that was harder to do when he was just across the table. It would be rude to turn away so Kaldur gave a forced smile back. Hoping the mix of emotions in his chest would get the hint and figure themselves out. 

"How's Lisa?" 

"I think "troublemaker" is a fair description of her as well. Now that's she's awake at least."

"Well good. She looked pretty rough last time I saw her." 

"There was a reason for that." 

"Yeah." 

No. He was not going to let awkward silence fall over this dinner. The drive? Fine. But this dinner was about figuring out his feelings, not stewing in them. He could do that at home without Roy. "How's Artemis as a roommate?" 

"Aside from leaving text books all over the place, not horrible. And I do mean all over the place. Tripped on one in the bathroom yesterday." 

"Why was it in the bathroom?" 

"Apparently she was studying in the tub. I don't know man."

"Have you thought at all about going back to school?" 

The conversation came to a brief pause to order drinks, Roy a virgin long island iced tea (which seemed like just a tea with extra work to Kaldur), and Kaldur an "Atlantean whiskey" because he had no idea what that was supposed to be. 

"I have thought about it. But, I'm actually trying to start my own business." 

"Really?" 

And so Roy dived into an explanation of Bowhunter Security ("Always On Point!"), and how he thought it was a clever name even if his family didn't. He talked about how it would be a good safety net for Lian, and was better than an office job. About how his skills could go into making it the best security company in Star. About maybe passing it down to Lian. He was so passionate and excited that Kaldur couldn't help but stare in awe. In the past when Roy got hung up on something it was never, or almost never, good or healthy. But this? This was different. Better. 

"If you need any help, just let me know." Kaldur found himself offering, and not out of politeness, but he meant it. Roy lit up again. 

"I may just take you up on that." 

The dinner went surprisingly smoothly from that point on. Every disaster situation Kaldur had dreamed up in the week before stayed away. And they were almost comfortable with each other. But when Roy excused himself to use the bathroom the reality of the situation sank in. Kaldur was on a date. With Roy. The same Roy who hurt him. Or was he? Was Kaldur even the same Kaldur that got hurt? It felt that way. But it was a dull ache that faded into the background. And while it would be remarkably easy to drag it back into the foreground, the current moment was so much nicer. A good meal, soft conversation, and the man he once, and maybe still, loved. 

Roy returned with a sheepish apology. Something old Roy probably wouldn't have done. Yes he would have apologized but it would have been something crude like "sorry, had to piss". So Kaldur decided to pay attention to the differences, the way he used a napkin and not the sleeve of his shirt, and the similarities, how he gave up on chopsticks after five tries and just used his fingers. By the end Kaldur decided he liked this Roy. 

He insisted on walking Roy to his apartment. Something that surprised them both. And because he was already at the door he asked; 

"May I see Lian?" 

"Of course!" Roy swung the apartment door open with an unrivaled enthusiasm. "Though she's probably, hopefully, asleep." 

"She is." Artemis was sitting on the kitchen counter, chewing on a pen, surrounded by textbooks and notebooks. Roy deflated a little at the mess. "Hey Kal. Have a good night?" 

You could have heard a pin drop. 

"I think I did. Yes." 

Roy's relieved sigh was audible.

"Don't drop your shoulders yet Red. He's not sure." Artemis was grinning at them around the pen. 

"Yeah, yeah." He waved her off and led Kaldur to the bedroom door. The apartment lacked anything that resembled a hallway, instead the doors to the bedrooms and bathroom lead into the box that was the living room. 

Roy was sharing his room with Lian again. Or perhaps more accurately Lian was sharing her room with him. Her crib rested against the wall, toys erupted from under it creeping throughout the room, baby books rested in stacks next to a rocking chair drowned in stuffed animals. Roy's stuff was still packed up, except for the suitcase he must have been picking his daily outfits from.

"Sorry about the mess. We usually clean up in the morning." 

"It's quite alright." 

Kaldur couldn't help but smile at the girl. She was sound asleep. Her even breathing a comfort as her round belly rose and fell in rhythm. 

"She truly is precious." 

"Yeah." Roy was also smiling. "Hey Kal?"

"Yes." 

"Don't freak out at me, but I got you something." His voice was a whisper to keep from disturbing the infant. 

Kaldur tried to fight the frown away from his face but as Roy reached into his back pocket he couldn't keep it back. The redhead pulled out a long black box. 

"Roy."

"I know. But, you deserve nice things. Even if they're impractical." 

Tentatively he took the box. His heart caught when he saw the chopsticks. Beautiful orange and red fish swimming through murky green. "Roy…" He wanted to scold him. To demand he take them back and use the money on something reasonable. Something for Lian or for his future house. 

"They really are beautiful." Roy tested the waters. 

"Yes." 

"Do you want to go?" 

"I...yes." His eyes dropped in shame. He'd just been given such a wonderful gift and he couldn't even stick around to say thanks. 

"I'll walk you out." 

As they exchanged goodbyes in the hallway outside the apartment Kaldur realized he actually had a good time. Not just an "I think" but he truly knew. So he told Roy. 

"Good. Until next time Kal." He leaned in slowly, so slowly Kaldur could have stopped him at any point. But he stood there and let Roy's lips land on his cheek. It tickled more than expected. 

"Until next time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments! We're approaching the end!!!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be a bit of a wait after this chapter because my laptop is broken and the doc is loading so slow on my phone lol. I'm still working on it but maybe if I approve of my local library's covid protections I'll spend an afternoon writing the last two chapters and getting this done in the next week or so ^-^

It was all going to come crashing down. 

Lisa's stunt had effectively kicked everyone back into being cordial with each other. But that had to come to an end. The bridges he was rebuilding were standing on sand and eventually they'd collapse again. How could they not? 

Garth was permanently scarred, and eventually he had to realize it was Kaldur's fault.

Roy had successfully rebuilt his life and sooner or later he'd figure out Kaldur was a match waiting to burn it all down.

Artemis would come to the conclusion that Wally's death was on him. 

Lisa would blame him for not knowing about her plan, not stopping her.

Koryak too.

In the end everyone would leave him and have good reason too. 

The evening moonlight filtered in through his blinds, mocking him with its calm. His blankets weighed 100 pounds, and his pillow trapped any body heat he managed to give off and held it against his neck ang gills. Any air he was getting was hot and tight. 

Oh to be anywhere else. To be anyone else. The sound of his phone cut through the night. He let it ring, arms too heavy to move. Everything was too much. Everyone was too much. Was there anyone he hadn’t ruined? Anyone who didn’t look at him and see a traitor, a victim, a broken man, or a hero? Was there anyone who saw _him_? Moisture slipped down his face but he didn’t know if it was sweat or tears. Both maybe. 

His phone rang again, lighting up his bland ceiling and tearing at his eardrums. A sudden burst of raw irritation let him snatch up the device.

Raquel. 

He blinked at the screen. 

What if something had gone wrong with the baby?

“Hello?” He didn’t even try to mask the panic in his voice. 

“Down boy. Everything’s fine. You busy?”

“Not particularly?” Everything was fine. He could go back to not breathing for other reasons. 

“Cool, cause the bea is on a business trip and I’m craving fried pickles. Keep me company?”

“Um.”

“Please. Come on Kal don’t make me _that_ pregnant woman. The one who goes to a stake house at eleven at night by herself.” 

A smile tried to crack through his anxiety. Tried. “I'll be there soon.” 

“You’re the best!”

He really wasn’t. 

Kaldur pulled his clothes on in the dark, not caring enough about his appearance to flip it on. The rest of the Lighthouse was equally as dark. Only the light from the living room TV flashed at him. Lisa and Koryak had fallen asleep to a black and white horror movie marathon. On screen a woman opened a breakfast tray to reveal a dead bird, causing another woman to scream. He turned away. 

La’gann was asleep on the cot in the cellar. A graveyard of electronics were tossed around, probably in a way that made sense to the sleeping teenager but not to Kaldur, so he carefully stepped around them. He wished there was a way to quiet the Zeta but unfortunately it whired to life with a roar that would put a dragon to shame. 

Raquel was waiting for him on the other side. She wasn’t showing just yet but the buttons on her coat did seem to be straining just a little. 

“Ready for an adventure?”

“Not particularly.” He hoped his smile was passable. The way she looked at him indicated that it wasn’t. 

"Well to bad. We're going on an adventure. And our goal is fried pickles." She looped her arm around his and started dragging him towards a local statehouse. "You're stiff as a board Kal." 

"Aren't I usually?" 

"Touché. What's the matter?" She leaned back to look at him, all soft features and warm brown eyes. 

"I would hate to drag down your adventure." 

"Not telling me _will_ drag down our adventure." She laid her head on his arm but continued to lead the way. 

"It's absurd…" 

"Most things in our lives are." 

He pursued his lips at that. Because while true, it didn't make what was happening in his brain any less absurd. He was upset about what exactly? That things were finally going well? That he was anticipating the other shoe to come crashing down? Why couldn't he just be happy? 

"Kaldur. Just tell me." 

"It feels like...like my life...things have been going so well lately…"

"And you're worried it won't continue?" 

"I suppose. Yes that sounds about right actually." 

She nodded against his arm. "Kaldur that's _normal_." 

"That doesn't make it anymore...I don't know…"

"Kaldur look at me." He stopped walking and did as he was told. "Things don't get better overnight. You'd be a fool to think they did. And your anxiety is rooted in past events. Tomorrow may be the worst day of your life so far." He'd managed to relax some while walking but now all his tension was back. "Or, it might be the best. We don't know. We can't really know. Just try to focus on the good."

"Like you?" 

"If you consider me one of your "goods" then yes. And I'm honored." They began moving again. He was a little better now, but the anxiety still lingered. It crept through his blood, just enough to remind him it was there. To remind him of all the ways he'd failed. Failed himself and his friends.

"What if-"

"No "what if"s tonight. Just small talk and fried pickles." 

"What if I want a stake?" 

She stopped again to glare at him. Normally it'd be intimidating, but she was still clinging to his arm and was about a head shorter now. "I don't want to have to get a new best friend Kaldur. That seems like a lot of work." 

"My apologies." Even he could hear the smirk in his voice. 

"Yeah, yeah." 

They entered the restaurant then, probably a nice place in the 90s but now a little run down. All hard wood and mood lighting and the subtle smell of mold. 

"Oh my god, Kal we have to do that." She pointed at a poster by the host stand.

"Massive Steak Challenge! Can You Finish it All?! Up to Four (4) Challengers At A Time! All Proceeds go to No Kid Hungry, Win or Lose!" 

"Why would I possibly want to do that?" 

"It'll be fun! Just you and me against a big 'ol cow. Besides we get a t-shit if we win."

"That hardly seems worth it." 

"Is my love and adoration worth it?" 

"Hmmm. Maybe." 

She playfully slapped at him and this time his body didn't respond with sheer panic. He gave a tiny push in response. 

"Besides," He was smiling now. "I thought you wanted fried pickles?"

"We can have those after." 

"Awfully confident in yourself." 

"Please between an Atlantean and a pregnant woman, they don't stand a chance."

"You understand that my metabolism _has_ evened out since I was a teenager?"

"Are you gonna eat the big ass stake with me or not?" 

"I suppose I have nothing else to do."

"Oh you're so put out." 

Raquel untangled herself from him and approached the host stand. The absence of touch didn't bother him at all really. Sure he'd rather she was still hanging off his arm. But her distance didn't cause him pain. 

"You ready for this?" Gods he loved her grin. 

"I suppose." 

"That is the second "I suppose" in like five minutes." 

He was smirking again. "I suppose." 

She responded by pointing at him menacingly, but again it didn't have much effect. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and rested his cheek on her head. 

Kaldur didn't know much about cows. He'd never really considered them. But he was almost certain this steak couldn't come from a normal cow. For a split second regret flashed across Raquel's face, but then it was gone, replaced by determination. A determination that was contagious. 

"This is absurd." Kaldur said, but he already had the fork and knife ready. 

"That's the fun of it." 

It took more than an hour, and at one point they were both ready to quit. But since both were too stubborn to say so the slab of meat continued to disappear.

"Kaldur?"

"Yes?" Their voices were strained.

"I think I'm gonna become a vegan." 

"I think that's a fair reaction." 

"I also don't want any pickles right now."

"I'm not sure if I ever want to eat again." 

"Oh god do I feel that." 

When they were finally able to walk again they had a bit of pride to their step. Their victory t-shirts were tossed over their shoulders. And a picture of them hung on the "Wall of Winners", though neither really considered themselves winners. 

"You know. I was kidding, but I think I might go vegan. And what a way to go." 

"I take it this is something you've been considering." 

"Off and on." The night hair rustled their hair and clothes, causing her to snuggle closer against him. "Kal?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Promise me something?" 

His stomach dropped. "Anything." 

"Next time you feel like everything is gonna fall apart, call me?" 

"I-"

"I'm serious. You're gonna say that you don't want to worry me. Well _not_ telling me when your upset _will_ worry me. Because then I'll assume you're always upset." 

They'd reached the Zeta tube now. 

"I promise." 

"I'm holding you to that." She left a soft kiss on his cheek. 

"Please do." 

La'gaan glared at him when he Zetaed back. "Chum. Really?" 

"Apologies. Go back to sleep." 

"You aren't my parent." He murmured, but his head hit the pillow at the same time. He was out like a light. 

And with a full belly and calm mind, soon so was Kaldur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy!


	32. Chapter 32

Lisa's hand tightened around his, pulling his webbing ever so slightly. 

"We're almost there." He tried to keep his voice low and comforting. Still his own doubt tugged on the edges of his mind. 

"I think that's the problem." 

"Then let's sit." He manoeuvred her so that she could rest on the lumpy hospital bench. The sturdy walking stick she'd been using for longer treks sat across her lap making it difficult for him to sit next to her. Still he managed. 

"I don't want him to see me like this." She whispered. 

"I understand." Did he? Could he? "But you may regret not visiting." 

She tensed, the unspoken truth hung over them. Dr. Morel was getting worse much faster than he could ever get better. "Lisa. I am right here." He hoped the words could help her in a way they'd helped him. 

"Can we just sit here a minute?"

"Of course." 

A minute turned to thirty, turned to an hour, turned to an hour and a half. "Lisa, would you like to go home?"

"No." 

"What would you like?" 

"My dad."

Oh. He supposed that was the obvious answer. Nervous energy forced him to shift uncomfortably. What did he know about a dying parent? By the Trench he technically had two fathers and both were very much alive. But that didn't mean he hadn't lost people. Didn't understand that cruel consistent ache. And while Zatanna may be better suited for a task like this, she wasn't here. He was. And even if Lisa wasn't his friend, he had a duty to be there for everyone. 

He stood up, gently pushing the rubber end of her walking stick to the floor, and held out a hand. Her purple eyes, definitely less vibrant than they once were, stared for a moment, a soft shine reflecting off them. Then at last her hand, nails painted neon orange, clasped his. 

"One step at a time."

"Hypocrite." She was teasing him, but it sounded so tired. So weak. So unlike her.

"Perhaps." Completely. But it was easy to be hypocritical when trying to care for one's friends.

"What if he's disappointed in me?" She asked when they stood outside the door.

"I am not sure that is possible." 

She nodded, cheeks stained with tears. If there was one thing Kaldur knew about Lisa and Dr. Morel, it was that they adored each other. Lisa idolized the man that raised her, even if she enjoyed making his life slightly more difficult. And Dr. Morel was convinced Lisa was a gift from the universe. She was the one that poured the ocean and filled it with the creatures he loved to learn about. To break up such a pair was cruel. But so was life. 

She finally pushed the door open and wobbled in. He hesitated for a beat, not sure if he should be here for this. When she froze and looked over her shoulder, he knew he was needed. 

Dr. Morel had always been a plump jovial man. Easily excitable and fun to listen to even when he talked about things like weather and ocean patterns. Now though he was strung up to machines and wires, not unlike how Kaldur had been so many months ago. He was frail and any hair that had hung on in his thirties had finally been defeated. 

"Hey Daddy." Lisa's voice was a whisper. 

"I was beginning to think you forgot about me." His voice was so weak too. The Morel's continued to be a matching pair. Like father, like daughter. 

Kaldur shifted on his sandaled feet. He shouldn't be here for this. He was intruding on something he couldn't even begin to fully understand. 

"I could never forget about you." Her fingers brushed away phantom hairs from the Doctor's forehead. "I was just...sick...for a little bit is all."

"With what?" His paper skin folded into a frown. His eyes found her walking stick at last. "Are you alright?" 

"I'm fine. Don't you worry about it now. I'm fine."

"Lisa-"

"You can ask Kaldur." She motioned towards him. 

"Kaldur?" He twisted his head to look. Kaldur anxiously rubbed the back of his neck. He shouldn't be here. "You've grown." 

"I have." 

"Where'd you go? No one ever did tell me." 

"I was away on a mission." Gods. This conversation shouldn't be happening. This should be a moment between Lisa and her father. He _shouldn't_ be here.

"Must have been some mission to get everyone so worked up."

"Daddy."

"Sorry sweetheart." He returned his attention to Kaldur. "I don't mean to pry. My filters aren't what they once were."

"It is quite alright sir."

"I'm back to sir apparently." That was directed at Lisa who let out a small laugh.

"Apparently. You know how he is."

"I do." 

Did he? Did Kaldur even know how he was? 

"Come 'ere Kaldur." 

Absolutely not. He was more than fine staying several feet away, mostly out of the room. This wasn't his moment. He didn't have a place here.

"Of course." His feet were cement but he dragged them forward anyway. 

"Give me your hand." He did just that. "I want to thank you for being a good friend to my daughter. I don't think you give yourself enough credit." He broke down coughing and Lisa quickly retrieved a plastic cup of water. "Thanks sweety, these damn drugs dry my throat out something terrible. Where was I?"

"You were telling Kal how great he is."

"Ah, yes. Kaldur?"

"Yes?" 

"I'm not sure how many months I have left. And that should worry me. And it does. But because of you and Koryak and all the others, I know my daughter is going to be okay. I can't thank you enough for that."

"Sir-"

"Now let me finish. When I was about your age I took my first scientific voyage. I know this seems unrelated, but keep listening, I threw myself into work. Always working, always helping my crew, I never took any time for myself. At last one of the other researchers pulled me aside. He gave me this," The Doctor slipped a frayed woven bracelet off his bony wrist. "And he said to me 'Morel, everytime you see this bracelet I want you to take a moment for yourself, you'll get yourself an early grave otherwise'. And I listened to him, it took some time but I listened, and you know what happened?"

"No sir."

"I've made it to a well earned grave." He slipped the sun aged band onto Kaldur's hand. "You do the same, and take care of my girl the whole way there. Now that's an order."

Kaldur was careful to keep his expression in check. This wasn't his moment. But it was hard to reconcile this situation. The once livly man who'd go diving as deep as he could and make sure Lisa and her friends ate lunch had accepted his death. Not only that but he was passing along his bracelet, something Kaldur wasn't sure he'd ever seen the scientist without, to him. Not to his daughter, but him. This wasn't right. But Lisa was smiling like this was a fine situation and the Doctor seemed so serious…

"Thank you. I'll take good care of her." 

"I know you will." 

"If you'll excuse me sir." 

He left the room as fast as he could without running and then it was his turn to collapse onto a hospital bench.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeet me some comments *dabs*


	33. Chapter 33

Cheyenne had outdone herself. Maybe, considering Kaldur had never seen her other work this could be an abysmal display of her skills. But to him it was the best Surface suit he'd ever worn. It was tailored as close to perfect as possible. Even the collar was a comfortable distance from his gills without drawing attention to them. The soft purple wasn't too garish but it had a shine that could draw a certain amount of attention from those around him. And while the half cape served no functional purpose, it just looked nice. It fluttered softly when he twisted in the roll away mirror. 

"I did good right?" Her elbow was bent awkwardly above her head to rest on his shoulder. Her grin wasn't smug or sarcastic but proud. And she deserved to be proud. It was phenomenal work. 

"More than." He tried to keep the awe out of his voice, if working with her these last few weeks had proven anything it was how smug she really was under the surface. 

She pursued her lips at the mirror before tugging on the sleeve. "You sure the arms fit right? I can still take them out some?" 

"They fit perfectly. Koryak would say you have painter's syndrome."

"I'm just a perfectionist." She let her arm drop from his shoulder and shook it violently. "I was getting pins and needles. Why are you so damn tall?" 

"Genetics probably." 

"Is it comfortable?" 

"Being tall? Or my genetics?"

"The suit you ass." 

Years of being pestered caused a sigh to rise up in his throat but he pushed it back down. She was anxious over something she created, he wouldn't belittle that. "It's incredibly comfortable." 

"You'd tell me otherwise?" 

"You think I'd choose to be uncomfortable?" 

"To spare someone's feelings? Yeah." Her hands landed on her hips for extra effect.

Okay. Ouch. He really didn't know this girl outside of the suit. And he was sure she didn't know him. But damn if she didn't hit the nail on the head. 

"Well it's comfortable. Extremely so." He kinda didn't want to take it off, but knowing his life if he didn't a supervillian would trash it before the wedding. 

"So you gotta date?" Cheyenne tossed a pin cushion into her bag like she hadn't just asked...well _that_. Eyelashes batting expertly. 

"Really?"

"I am recently single." 

This time he did sigh. "I appreciate the… offer? But I...well...it's-"

"Complicated?" 

"Yes." Suddenly the sunrays dancing on his bedroom floor seemed interesting as Roy danced across his mind.

"I think 'complicated' describes every relationship I've ever been in." The beams must have been interesting to her as well. 

"Would you like some lunch?" He changed the subject fast enough to give himself whiplash. But he couldn't do this with a stranger. 

"Nah, I gotta go schmooze some rich asshole who may want to sell some of my designs." 

"I can introduce you to people you don't have to 'schmooze'." 

"Oh honey," She grinned at him before dragging away her full body mirror out the door. "I don't need a Masks help. And don't worry Arty didn't tell me. I'm just not stupid." 

Kaldur blinked at the suddenly empty doorway. What a strange girl. 

She was replaced by Koryak poking his head around the frame. 

"Why am I scared of her?"

"Because you've always had a good intuition." 

"You look good." He leaned against the wall, his painting resting next to his head. Kaldur tried to ignore the way Koryak's eyes wandered. He hadn't yet told him about the date with Roy. Or more importantly the vague way it had ended. 

"Thanks." 

"Does this mean you'll be at the wedding?" 

Kaldur began messing with the button on his jacket. The wedding still hung over him like a threat. But the closer it got the easier it was to imagine himself there. Not to mention Erika and Dwayne "randomly" checking in more and more lately. 

"Maybe?"

"Still aren't sure?" Koryak's voice didn't hold any judgment or frustration. 

"I don't want to draw unnecessary drama." 

The Prince chuckled, not unkindly. "Kal, if you're there or not, there's gonna be unnecessary drama. Don't build regrets for yourself dude." 

"Huh. I didn't think of it that way." 

"Well. Think about it. You already have the suit." 

"I suppose…"

"I gotta get to my session. But you really are wanted there." 

It was difficult to believe but no longer impossible. And it certainly wouldn't be the most uncomfortable thing he'd ever done. And with a glance at the, now curling, wedding invite pinned to his board he'd made up his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there. Wow. Lmk what y'all are thinking so far?


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall....I feel some sorta way. I wrote a book. Wow. Thank you all for reading to this point 💕

Exhaustion sank into his bones in an unfamiliar way. The feeling was familiar but the _why_ was almost exhilarating. Despite promises made by Lisa and Koryak the wedding reception had not gotten out of control, but it was loud and energetic and most importantly _fun_. Kaldur couldn't exactly remember the last time he'd had so much genuine wholesome fun. Nothing even exploded! He was buzzing with energy that tried to burn away his tiredness. But still his muscles ached from Debbie insisting he dance with her and his eyes still drooped from getting up at the crack of dawn to help with the preparations. 

He winced a little as he stretched his arms creating a burning in his sides. It was weirdly refreshing. 

"This party is dying!" Lisa whined, words slurring together from too much champagne. 

"Is it?" Her intoxication should annoy him, but instead he was deeply amused. "Seems rather alive to me."

"Nah dude. No one's dancin'! And, and, Erika is sleepin-"

"It has been a long day for her after all." Erika had curled up in Dwayne's lap about twenty minutes ago and promptly passed out. Flowing cream wedding dress bunched up at their feet. Her husband appeared to be right behind her. He was smiling softly at the remaining guests, eyelids hanging heavily. 

"I wanna _dance_." Despite her whine Lisa let her walking stick drop to the wooden deck and rested her head on his arm. 

"Of course my friend." Gently he plucked her up and let her arms wrap around his neck. It was so nice to carry someone because they had simply had too much fun and not because they'd been injured. Her warm even breathing sent shivers down his spine. Slowly he made his way over to Dwayne. "I think it's time to find our ride and head back to the Lighthouse."

"Of course," Dwayne smothered a yawn and nodded. "I'm so glad you came. We both are." 

"As am I." 

"My stick." Lisa murmured barely awake. 

"Koryak will get it." Kaldur gave a small nod towards Dwayne before heading off to find the Prince who'd passed out under a round folding table. Apparently the two had tried to get things out of control after all. Kaldur nudged him with his sandal covered foot. 

"Whad?" He didn't even lift his head off the floor. 

"Will you get Lisa's walking stick and meet me by the car?" 

In his best imitation of a zombie Koryak lifted his head to give off a confused glare. Kaldur gave him a moment to let his words sink in.

"Where is it?" 

Not being able to point without dropping the now sleeping girl he nodded in the direction of the abandoned aide. 

"Yeah...yeah alright...sure…" Immediately Koryak's head smacked back into the wooden planks. Kaldur winced, it sounded like it hurt. 

"Koryak?" 

"Mmmh?"

"The walking stick?"

"Yeah… I'm on it…" 

"I need you to stand up now."

"I am." 

"That's incorrect." 

"Nope." 

Kaldur shook his head, amusement pulling up the corners of his mouth. "My Prince. I need you to stand up." 

One final grunt and some pretty impressive drunken struggling and Koryak had risen from the ground. The imprint of the wooden planks dug into his brown skin. "What?" 

"I need you to go over there," Kaldur nodded again. "And get Lisa's walking stick please. Then meet me by the car." 

"Yeah okay." 

Kaldur watched him go for a beat just to make sure he stayed up right. When he was content the Prince wasn't going to fall over he set off, the burning in his arms increasing as Lisa seemingly grew heavier, he turned to continue his hunt. Given that most of the guests had gone or were resting it wasn't hard to spot who he was looking for, sound asleep in a folding chair. One strong arm hanging awkwardly behind him and the other resting on a slowly growing belly. 

"Roy?"

"Mmmn?" 

"Roy, wake up."

His eyes blinked open, obviously more sober than the woman in Kaldur's arms or the Prince wandering around looking for the walking stick. "Time to go?" 

"Almost definitely."

Roy stretched in a way similar to how Kaldur had not too long ago. His shirt fit well unfortunately and kept everything covered. Kaldur immediately regretted that thought as a warm blush crept up his cheeks. Together the three of them collected Koryak, carrying Lisa's walking stick, and made their way to the car. The fairy light lit venue shrinking into the shadows as they made their way uphill to the parking lot. 

"Want me to take her?" 

"It's alright. Besides she's asleep now." 

"If you're sure." Roy shrugged. 

"Your door is locked." Koryak observed.

"I would sure hope so." The redhead was having way too much fun tormenting the poor drunk man. 

"Open it?" 

"Nah, I don't think I will." 

"Roy. My arms are getting tired." Despite his words Kaludr couldn't bring himself to actually be irritated with his sort of boyfriend's antics. 

"Alright alright. I guess we can get in the car." 

"He guesses." Kaldur murmured under his breath. His arms really were starting to cramp up and he was pretty sure Lisa was drooling on his suit. Thankfully it didn't take much effort to untangle her from around his neck and get her into the backseat. 

"That was some party." Roy was too tired to grin but the corners of his eyes were scrunched up. 

"I wouldn't expect anything else."

"Thank you for inviting me." 

"Thank you for coming."

A heartbeat passed between them, eyes locked and sea air brushing their face from the open windows. Someone was leaning forward, or maybe they both were. There was no breathing, fear that even the slightest breeze could blow the other away. They were so close to each other, half a second from touching. 

"I'm gonna throw up." Koryak's whine shattered the moment. The breath Roy was holding released as his head dropped. 

"You better not." 

Kaldur pulled away, confident that they'd have another chance later. Still there was an uncomfortable fluttering in his stomach from the almost moment. It wasn't dread or anger, but a thrill or an anticipation. He was excited he realized. Excited to spend time with Roy. Excited for his future. 

"You okay?" Roy asked.

"More than." 

"Good." His rough hand landed on Kaldur's leg rubbing soft circles with his thumb. The rhythmic motion and rocking of the car lolled him into a thin sleep. Somewhat aware of his surroundings, but not enough to fully process them. Nightmares slid through his mind, twisting his excitement and using it against him. His heart clenched under the pressure. Jaw tight against his will. He could hear his own whimpers but had no control to stop them. The pressure on his leg moved only to be placed on his cheek. The gentle caress helped even out his breathing. Still the black tendrils of anxiety snaked through his mind. 

"Wake up handsome. I'm getting a coffee, you want one?"

"Huh? Oh. Um." He ran his own hand down his face, brushing Roy's fingers along the way making them drop. "Sure. Yeah. Coffee." 

The drive-through was surprisingly fast. In fact the cashier practically threw the paper cups at Roy.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"The coffee? It's not very good." 

"It isn't but I meant… nevermind." 

"There isn't much to talk about... It was too foggy for any details." 

Roy nodded gently. "Well...you know." 

"I know." 

"Good." 

It took another twenty minutes to get to the Lighthouse. Kaldur fought off sleep the whole rest of the way. Garth's rental car was already there when they arrived, but all the lights were off. Even Salty had already gone to bed. Lisa had insisted on putting a bowtie on him and bringing the dog along. But when Garth, La'gaan, and Debbie had decided to go home they took the tuckered out pup with them. So there was no excited energy to help Kaldur carry in Lisa or Roy drag in Koryak. Both were completely conked out. The burning in his arms finally won out. A little bit of guilt tugged at him with how ungracefully he dropped her onto the couch, but she certainly didn't seem to mind. Roy dumped Koryak next to her and immediately dropped down himself. 

"We'll put them to bed in a second." The redhead patted the seat next to him. His statement proved to be a lie. As soon as Kaldur sat down and relaxed he fell into a fitful sleep. Roy's warm body against his helped make the nightmares more bearable. Still they tormented him through the night. The last few months had added more stress to his ever growing pile and it continued to haunt him at night. 

He woke with a stiff neck and numb hand. Roy was still fast asleep, head on Kaldur's shoulder. 

"Roy?"

No response.

" _Roy_." He tried again. 

"Hm?" 

"My arm is asleep." 

"Why?" 

"You." He at last pushed the other man off him. Roy made no effort to stop his fall. He laid on the floor for a moment before pushing himself up with a stretch. 

"I smell food." Immediately he stood up to make his way to the kitchen. 

"Okay Wally." The words slipped out before Kaldur had even processed them. They both froze, the sudden tension weighing on them. 

"You know," Roy started. "I think food is probably how he'd want to be remembered." 

"...I think so too." 

"It's okay to talk about the people we lost. You know that right?" 

"On a surface level." 

"It's a start." Roy grabbed Kaldur's hand and pulled him off the couch. Lisa and Koryak both long gone. "Let's steal some breakfast." 

"Let's." 

The kitchen was overflowing with life. The table was busy and packed with plates and at least one book. Koryak was shirtless, glaring at the coffee pot as it worked. Salty was begging at Garth's feet for a slice of bacon he was fring to refill the plate from the middle of the table. Water was dripping off Debbie's ponytail, the hair growing out on the sides of her head. La'gaan's scales were shining, he must have gone swimming with her. Lisa was shoveling eggs down faster than should be possible. It was a happy active room, full of ease and casual energy. 

"Do we get some?" Roy asked. 

"I guess I can't stop you." Garth grinned over his shoulder. The playful glare Lisa shot him implied she _could_ stop them. Roy didn't seem to mind though as he loaded up his own plate from the serving bowls and platers on the table. 

"So did everyone have fun last night?" Roy jumped right into the small talk. So much like his old self, but a lot more easy and relaxed. He wasn't putting up a front, instead being genuinely comfortable with those around him. It made Kaldur's heart soar. The last of the nightmares banished until tonight. He slid into the seat next to Roy's and stole his plate, a sly grin on his face. 

"Not gonna happen." The archer reclaimed his plate. 

"I thought you loved me?" 

Something decidedly happy flashed across Roy's face. "That doesn't mean you get my breakfast." 

"So Chum," La'gaan started once Kaldur had his own food. "Where are you in 'No Good Tea Goes Unpunished'?" 

"That's not a real book." Lisa accused, Debbie nodding next to her. 

"I'm about halfway through." 

La'gaan nodded, seemingly frustrated. "Let me know when you finish because I have opinions." 

"You've had opinions on every book we've read."

"How can I not?!" 

Breakfast continued well past the normal time, full of airy conversations and laughter. Eventually though Roy had to go get Lian from daycare, leaving with a kiss on the cheek that definitely had him blushing under the beard. Koryak went back to bed muttering about whiskey. Debbie was needed back in the palace and Lisa insisted on coming along to "stretch her gills". La'gaan was needed for a mission with the Team. And so it was just Kaldur and Garth sitting at the table, nursing room temperature coffee. 

"You should get some sleep. Some real sleep." Garth was still smiling an easy smile. 

"I must admit I wouldn't mind a nap." 

"So what's stopping you?"

"I'm enjoying my company." Just like when they were kids Garth blushed at the compliment. Something stirred up in Kaldur's stomach at the memory. It was a sweet and sour feeling, but it didn't make him want to throw up breakfast. An improvement he appreciated. 

"Well enjoy it later my friend. Now is probably the only chance for a nap you're gonna get." 

"I suppose." 

Kaldur was surprised when Garth got up and followed him. At first he assumed he was going to his own room. Yet, when Kaldur stopped to open his door so did Garth. He seemed suddenly eager. All tight muscles and wide eyes, even trying to smother a grin. 

"Garth?" 

"Yes?"

"What am I going to see when I open this door?" 

"I suppose you would have to open it to find out." 

"Hmmm." Garth could be a wild card, freezing Roy's hot water tank once out of spite, so any number of things could be waiting. "Should I prepare myself?"

"You're so dramatic, just open the door." 

With one last inhale Kaldur pushed open the door. To his relief nothing jumped out at him when he pushed it open. In fact at first nothing seemed different at all. He tossed a confused look over to Garth who motioned for him to enter the room. Tentatively he took a step forward. 

His bed was made with the blankets Artemis had gifted to him. His nightstand held a swirling bottle of colors, a plastic plant who’s pot was super glued back together, and a crab shell. Nothing immediately amiss. 

And then.

There. 

In front of his shelves full of books and music sat a beautifully crafted rocking chair. Deep water stained wood, carved with delicate designs, and an overstuffed pillow resting on the seat decorated the piece of furniture. 

"Garth." It was more breath than word.

"I'm sick of sitting on your floor."

"It's beautiful." 

"Yeah. Recovered wood from an old shipwreck. One of the best craftspeople in Scotland put it together for me."

"It's wonderful." 

"I'm glad you like it." A hand landed on Kaldur's shoulder. "Let's not fuck up our friendship again. 'Kay?" 

His stomach dropped. So much to say to that. So many different responses. But all he could manage was a single word; "Agreed." 

"Get some rest Kal." He patted Kaldur's shoulder one last time and was gone before Kaldur could fully comprehend. 

Almost in a daze he pulled off the jacket Cheyenne had made him and hung it up, brushing by Lian's toys in the process. Slowly he lowered himself into the chair. Glancing around the room his heart lifted. Koryak's painting rested on the wall, under a hanging shelf that held the chopsticks. Gerald the plant had begun to sprout little bulbs. His desk had an old picture and a sea shell. Even his once empty bulletin board was now overflowing. A picture, an invite, a necklace, a personal reminder taped back together, and more. His eyes fell onto the bracelet gifted to him by Dr. Morel, still tied around his wrist. He'd made a promise to take care of himself, to do something for himself when he saw the bracelet. Reluctantly Kaldur stood back up and pulled down a business card. 

Dr. Bridget Clancy   
Specialized Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome even if u find this fic 10 years from now!

**Author's Note:**

> With the amount of work I've put into this one I'd definitely appreciate some comments lol


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